AXV: Taiwan Dolphins

[Memphistopheles]

[Memphistopheles]

Club information

Coaching staff

        Head Coach: Memphistopheles

        Assistant Coach: jhello234

Stadium

        Kerr-ching National Stadium - Capacity 120,000,000
       

Rivals

        Kathmandu Eskimos - KoopKicka
        http://www.fanfooty.com.au/forum/index.php/topic,66207.0.html

Sponsorships

        Mattel
        Acer
        Bank of Taiwan
        Made in Taiwan

Trophy Cabinet

        Oriental Medal - 2013: Gary Ablett Jnr



         Great Khali Award - 2013: Gary Ablett Jnr

[Memphistopheles]

Taiwan Dolphins Playing Group

Captain: Josh Caddy
Vice Captain: Stephen Coniglio
Leadership Group: Matt Kreuzer, Nick Vlastuin

Defenders
Travis Varcoe (FWD), Nick Vlastuin (MID), Zac Williams, Brayden Maynard, Tom Cutler, Jake Kolodjashniji, Zac Tuohy, Nathan Wright, Jackson Nelson, Jonathan Marsh, Dillon Viojo-Rainbow

Midfielders
Josh Caddy, Stephen Coniglio, Cam Guthrie, Jordan Murdoch, Brad Hill, Nick Graham, Will Langford, Sam Colquhoun, Connor Blakely, Jake Barrett, Brad McKenzie, Nick O'Kearney

Rucks
Matt Kreuzer, Andrew Phillips, Daniel Gorringe, Tom Derickx, Cameron Wood, Reilly O'Brien.

Forwards
Jamie Cripps, Tory Dickson, Isaac Heeney, Jayden Laverde, Jack Steele (M), Dean Towers, Tom Boyd, Ben Griffiths, Mitch Honeychurch, Dean Kent, Peter Wright, Josh Schache, Tom Lamb, Jayden Foster, Mason Wood, Damien Cavka

Starting Lineup

Defence: Travis Varcoe, Nick Vlastuin, Zac Williams, Tom Cutler

Midfield: Josh Caddy, Stephen Coniglio, Cam Guthrie, Brad Hill

Ruck: Matt Kreuzer

Forwards: Jamie Cripps, Tory Dickson, Isaac Heeney, Jayden Laverde

Utilities: Nick Graham, Brayden Maynard

Emergencies: Jake Kolodjashniji (D), Will Langford (M), Andrew Phillips (R), Jack Steele (F)

[Memphistopheles]

Team Jumpers

[Memphistopheles]

2014 Fixtures

        Round 1:     Dolphins - away
     Round 2:     Dongs - away
      Round 3:     Vipers - home
  Round 4:     Ales - away
                          Round 5:     Eskimos - bitter rivalry round
     Round 6:     Tigers - home
    Round 7:     Bears - home
     Round 8:     Lambs - away
    Round 9:     Vipers- home
      Round 10:   Llamas - home
  Round 11:   Ales - home
      Round 12:   Strikers - home
      Round 13:   Folders - home
             Round 14:   Headhunters - away
         Round 15:   Elephants - away
       Round 16:  Gazelles - away
      Round 17:   Llamas - away
    Round 18:   Crabs - home
      Round 19:   Lambs - home

[Memphistopheles]

Joke of the Week

The legacy of the Taiwan Dolphins previous owner tor01doc will live on in this thread. Here I have curated all his jokes which will be added to weekly as the Taiwanese team is a jolly lot.



Q: What is the difference between George Michael and a microwave?
A: A microwave stops when you open the door.



At work the other day a guy is post op wearing an oxygen mask and he asks the pretty young student nurse a question, "Are my testicles black?" She blushes and avoids the issue.
He persists so she pulls down the sheet, and ever so gently cradles his scrotum, lifts it up and then a bit to the left and a bit to the right, and says "No they aren't bruised."
He pulls off his mask and says "Come closer" and whispers in her ear "I said are my test results back?"



These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many many years. First guy asks the second guy: 
"How have things been going?"

The second guy speaking very slowly tells the first guy, "I  w..a..s   a..l..m..o..s..t   m..a..r..r..i..e..d."

The first guy says in amazement, "Hey; you don't stutter any more."

The answer comes, " Y..e..s,   I   w..e..n..t   t..o   a d..o..c..t..o..r    a..n..d    h..e    t..o..l..d    m..e t..h..a..t    i..f    I   s..p..e..a..k    s..l..o..w..l..y  I  w..i..l..l    n..o..t    s..t..u..t..t..e..r."

The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about how he was almost married.

"W..e..l..l,    m..y    f..i..a..n..c..e..e    a..n..d   I   w..e..r..e    s..i..t..t..i..n..g    o..n   h..e..r p..o..r..c..h   a..n..d    t..h..e   d..o..g    w..a..s s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g    h..i..s    b..a..c..k    a..n..d   I   t..o..l..d    h..e..r    t..h..a..t    w..h..e..n    w..e a..r..e    m..a..r..r..i..e..d,    s..h..e    c..o  u  l  d  d..o     t..h..a..t    f..o..r    m..e     a..n..d    s..h..e  t..h..r..e..w    t..h..e    r..i..n..g   i..n    m..y   f..a..c..e.."

"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first friend.

" W..e..l..l,    I    s..p..e..a..k    s..o    s..l..o..w..l..y, t..h..a..t    b..y    t..h..e    t..i..m..e     s..h..e  l..o..o..k..e..d    a..t    t..h..e   d..o..g,    h..e  w..a..s     l..i..c..k..i..n..g    h..i..s    b..a..l..l..s"



It got crowded in heaven, so it was decided only to accept people whoever had a really bad day on the day they had died. On the first morning when the policy was employed, St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said the first man in line, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early from work one day to catch her in the act. I searched all over the apartment and couldn't find him anywhere.

"So finally I went out on the balcony (we lived on the 25th floor) and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. So I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands.

"He fell, of course, but he landed in some bushes and lived. So I went inside got the refrigerator, and pushed it out over the balcony and it crushed him.

"The strain of the act, though, gave me a heart attack, so I died."

Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day and that it wasa crime of passion, so he let the man enter heaven.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died.

"Well, sir, it was awful. I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment, when I slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment beneath me but then some maniac came out and started pounding my fingers!

"I fell, of course,but I landed in some bushes and lived! But then the guy came out and dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckles a bit, lets him into heaven and decides that he could really start to enjoy this job.
"Tell me about the day you died," he said to the third man.
"Okay, picture this.
"I'm naked, hiding in a refrigerator ..."



A mother is concerned that her 16 year old daughter is having sex!
 
She goes to the doctor and asks what to do. The doctor says that teenagers are headstrong and know everything so you can't stop them.The doctor tells the mum to talk to her daughter and prescribes the pill and in the meantime condoms etc.

Poor old mum sits her daughter down and talks about safe sex, pregnancy, condoms and the pill 

The daughter very kindly hugs her mum and says don't worry about all that mum, it's fine.

I'm dating Susan!



An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.'

The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.'



He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forwards then backwards, forwards, then backwards again...back and forth...back and forth....in and out....in and out.

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder. Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted, 'OK  OK! I can't park the f**king car! You do it, you smug barbie!'



First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is  that you must not be disgusted by anything involving the human body.

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. Go ahead and do the same thing, he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns  sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them, and told them, The second most important quality is observation.

I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention.



Three virgin sisters were all getting married within a short time period. Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started and made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions of marital sex.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but: ?Nescafe?. Puzzled at first, Mum went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop". Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from the Maldives a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Rothmans". Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes to read from the pack: "Extra Long. King Size". She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl departed for her honeymoon in New Zealand ... Mum waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. A month passed; still nothing.. A card finally arrived from Auckland on which was written with shaky hand, "Air New Zealand".

Mum took out her latest travel magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for Air NZ.
"Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways."

MUM FAINTED !!!!!



I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking at the bar.
 
Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked,
"Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland ?"

One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"
 
So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry.  Are you three whales from Scotland ?"
 
And that's the last thing I remember.



A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you??
The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right??
The guy then responded with a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy whispered in her ear: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".



A woman was in a coma.

She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever they touched her there.

They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little 'oral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma'

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.

The husband said,'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.!'



Surely Oscar Pistorius can't be the first bloke to wake up legless on Valentine's Day after shooting a load into his girlfriend's face whilst imagining she was someone else?




So Usain Bolt rocks up to a golf course in southern US of A looking for a round.

The pro says, 'Sorry. Coloured folk aren't allowed to play here. There's a public course 10 minutes down the road where you will be allowed to play.'

Usain starts ranting, 'Do you know who you're taking to? I am Usain Bolt.'

So the guy says, 'All right then Mr Smarty Fastpants. It's 3 minutes down the road. Now flower off.'

[Toga]

Nice looking thread Memph! Congratulations again on the job. :)

[Memphistopheles]

Nice looking thread Memph! Congratulations again on the job. :)

Thanks mate.

Almost finished putting the thread together.

Going to get up Fixtures and the last reserved post will be a list of all tor01doc's jokes but that might have to wait until another day.

[Colliwobblers]

great work mate looks amazing - where do you get the player pictures from? all the same size? or do you use photoshop to adjust them all and put them together like that.?

[Memphistopheles]

great work mate looks amazing - where do you get the player pictures from? all the same size? or do you use photoshop to adjust them all and put them together like that.?

Thanks mate.

Got the pics from the afl clubs websites. Under player profiles. Seems there is generally a standardised size for player profile to go online (I suspect the same company did all the AFL clubs websites).

Even though in some they are cut out if you right click on the player you just get him and not his stats too.

Most of them are the same size but the ones that weren't (Lower, Enright and Brennan) I resized to make them similar.

[Colliwobblers]

the scrolling kits is just showing off  :P

[tbagrocks]

the scrolling kits is just showing off  :P

Normally i'd agree, but whatever takes AXV to the next level over our rivals (as if we haven't already) is fine by me, but yeah a bit over the top :P

[Memphistopheles]

the scrolling kits is just showing off  :P

Normally i'd agree, but whatever takes AXV to the next level over our rivals (as if we haven't already) is fine by me, but yeah a bit over the top :P

Just thought it takes up too much room to post three pictures one after the other. Scrolling option is handy.

I will admit I didn't know how to do this but when I saw Ric's post in the Crocs thread I just went to quote it, looked at the code and copied it.

[Colliwobblers]

i wasn't saying it is too much just envious, nice work, I need to bother making multiple kits to worry about scrolling mine :)

[Jroo]

the scrolling kits is just showing off  :P

Normally i'd agree, but whatever takes AXV to the next level over our rivals (as if we haven't already) is fine by me, but yeah a bit over the top :P

I like it, I reckon it looks great!
Awesome work Memph, your thread looks good!