NEED SOME GOOD SHORT JOKES! (NOT DIRTY)

[EZA100]

so tommorow i have to stand in front of 150+ people with my friend and tell jokes and nearly all the ones i find on the internet and the ones i have are long dirty jokes :/ so any ideas?

[13Brummy]

Don't you get short with me pal

Is the only one that springs to mind

[T Dog]

Compliments of Steve Wright for you EZA

I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add
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I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.


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A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture.  You don't have to go to her office.  You'll just be walking down the street and . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . oohh, that's much better.


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I have a hobby.  I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world.  Maybe you've seen some of it.


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Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.


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My school colors were clear.


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I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake up letter


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My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "No."  She said, "Okay, forget it."


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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, "The whole time."


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My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides.


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Hermits have no peer pressure.


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I was hitchhiking the other day, and a hearse stopped. I said, "No thanks - I'm not going that far."


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You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.


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I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lived next door complained


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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?


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I'm a peripheral visionary


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I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game *he* was watching was better.


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I make my own water - two glasses of H, one glass of O


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For a while I didn't have a car... I had a helicopter... no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running... (Slow glance upward.)

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories .
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There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot


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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?


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I just got skylights put in my place.  The people who live above me are furious


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Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers . . .


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I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday".


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Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect


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I got stopped by a cop the other day. He said, "Why'd you run that stop sign?"  I said, "Because I don't believe everything I read."


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Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.


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It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature


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I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.


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Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out


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He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now."


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What a nice night for an evening


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I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.


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Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?


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When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.


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I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.


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I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again

[Ziplock]

http://www.fanfooty.com.au/forum/index.php/topic,22246.435.html

29 pages, most of it tdog :P

some of them aren't dirty and are shortish :P

[T Dog]

http://www.fanfooty.com.au/forum/index.php/topic,22246.435.html

29 pages, most of it tdog :P

some of them aren't dirty and are shortish :P

Some arn't dirty???...i have moderated out all the dirty ones....censorship rules...lol    :-X

[T Dog]

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died
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Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table.  They couldn't help me


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When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.


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When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child . . . eventually


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I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again


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I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving


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I wrote a song, but I can't read music.  Every time I hear a new song on the radio, I think "Hey, maybe I wrote that.


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I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly) . . . and says, "Here, you can go."


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I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said, "I don't understand it.  It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today."  I said " Oops .. . .


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My neighbour has a circular driveway.  He can't get out


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Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.


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Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?


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I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."


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The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and asked, "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year."

[EZA100]

any ones where they have to guess what the answer is?

[T Dog]

Never steal.
The government hates competition


Some people are like Slinky’s. Pretty much useless but make you smile when you push them down the stairs

You cry, I cry, ….you laugh, I laugh…you jump off a cliff i laugh even harder!!

Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?

Everybody wishes they could go to heaven but no one wants to die.

Smile….It confuses peple..!!

Don’t knock on death’s door. Hit the doorbell and run. He hates that.

I dream of a better tomorrow…
where chickens can cross roads and not have their motives questioned
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, “You’re next.”
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

never argue with an idiot they’ll drag you down to their level and beat you through experience


1f u c4n r34d 7h15, u r34lly n33d 2 g37 l41d

[kilbluff1985]

    Guess Why do most married men die earlier than their wives?
    Answer: Because they want to.



    Guess Why do parents give children a middle name?
    Answer: So the child knows when it is in seriously in trouble



    Question: Guess what device will find furniture in a poorly lit room every time?
    Answer: Your shinbone



    Question: Guess what is the definition of the early evening news?
    Answer: It starts with the words “Good evening” then spends the next half an hour telling you why it isn’t one.


    Question: Why was 6 afraid of 7
    Answer: Because 7 8 9!



    Question: Why do thieves shower before they commit crime?
    Answer: Because they like a clean getaway.



    Question: What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back?
    Answer: A stick.



    Question: Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
    Answer: He wanted cold hard cash!



    Question: Guess what type of bow can never be tied?
    Answer: A Rainbow.



    Question: Why is it unpleasant to eat a meal next to a group of basketball players?
    Answer: They dribble far too much.



    Question: Where can you obtain virgin wool?
    Answer: Really ugly sheep.



    Question: Guess what is the best definition of a mixed emotion?
    Answer: Watching the mother-in-law reverse off a cliff driving your brand new car.

[T Dog]

Q. What did the police officer say to the midget complaining that someone picked his pocket?
A. I can’t believe someone would stoop so low.

So this Chinese fellow walks into a bar with a huge colorful parrot on his shoulder. “Wow”, says the bartender, “where did you get that from?” “From China”, answered the parrot, “they’ve got tons of them there!”

A cop is doing standard patrol when he notices a car swerving all over the road. He quickly turns on his siren and pulls the guy over. “Alright,” says the cop, when the man gets out of the car. “Walk in a straight line.” “I’d be happy to,” says the drunk “just stop moving the stupid line.”

Q. What do you call a cow with no legs?
A. Ground beef.

[Ringo]

Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

Can it be a mistake that "desserts" gives "stressed" spelled backwards?

Crime doesn't pay. . .does that mean that my job is a crime?

If breaks are meant to be slow... then why do they call it "breakfast"?

How can the cemetry raise it's burial costs and blame it on the price of living?

Why do they leave out the letter b on "Garage Sale" signs?

Where do they get the seeds to plant seedless watermelons?

How could I have been doing 70 miles an hour when I've only been driving for 10 minutes?

If love is blind, is lingerie considered Braille?

If mummies are from egypt,then from where are daddies from?

[CrowsFan]

any ones where they have to guess what the answer is?

Why did the Mexican push his wife down the stairs?

Tequila!


What type of bees make milk?

Boo-bees!

[T Dog]

What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.



Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what i just said.
When did you first notice this problem?
What problem?


What is defference between man and Superman?
Man wears underwear under the trouser and superman wears it over the trouser.

How do you know if your a red neck?
You go to the family reunon to find a date!

Yo mamma so stupid, she tried to commit suicide by jumping out her basement window.

Yo mamma so fat, every time she turns around its her b-day!!!

Sam: Would you punish me for some thing i didn't do?
Teacher: no, of course not.
Sam: good, because i didn't do my homework.

What is green and smells?
Hulk's fart.


Why did the elephant bring toilet paper to a party?
Becase he was a party pooper.


You so short you have to look up to look down.

She was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her for a new world.
She lay on the beach and people ran around saying, "FREE WILLY."

Yo mamma so ugly when she was born, your mother said, "What a treasure!" and your father said, "Yea lets go bury it".

Yo mamma so ugly, she got arrested for mooning when she looked out a window.

How do you make a blonde's eyes sparkle?
Shine a torch into her ear...


How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.


Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.


What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.


Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
Take your foot off his head.


Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
No? Good!


What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shower?
The bucket.


What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.


How many Conservative economists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
None. The invisible hand does it.


How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. If the light bulb really needed changing, market forces would have already caused it to happen.


Have you ever noticed... anybody going slower than you is an idiot. And anyone going faster is a maniac.


You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.

I think men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They have experience pain and bought jewelry.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain.


I have a great diet. You are allowed to eat anything you want. But you must eat it with naked fat peple.

I went into MacDonalds yesterday and said "I'd like some fries".
The girl at the counter said "Would you like some fries with that".

Why don't oysters give to charity?
Because they're shellfish.


What can you do in radiation-contaminated rivers?
Nuclear fission.


Why did the jazz musician like the wooden board?
Because it had a nice groove in it!


How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There is tobacco spit stains on BOTH sides of his pickup truck

[Justin Bieber]

Get Into it T Dog lol

[Bill Manspeaker]

T Dog is the master of jokes