Jokes

[Dudge]

There were three guys, Ringo, Grazz and naste, talking in the pub. Ringo and Grazz are talking about how much control they have over their wives, while naste sat there silent.

After a while Grazz and Ringo turn to naste and ask him  "what sort of control do you have over you're wife"

naste looks at them and says "I'll tell ya what, just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees"

Ringo and Grazz were amazed, "What happened then" they asked . To which naste replied "She said, get out from under the bed and fight like a man"

[nas]

There were three guys, Ringo, Grazz and naste, talking in the pub. Ringo and Grazz are talking about how much control they have over their wives, while naste sat there silent.

After a while Grazz and Ringo turn to naste and ask him  "what sort of control do you over you're wife"

naste looks at them and says "I'll tell ya what, just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees"

Ringo and Grazz were amazed, "What happened then" they asked . To which naste replied "She said, get out from under the bed and fight like a man"

My wife will never leave me "She wouldn't wanna see me happy"

[Dudge]

There was this guy in a bar one night, who got really drunk, i mean really reallly drunk. When the bar closed, he got up to go home

As he stumbled out the door, he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun, and punched her in the face.Well the nun was really surprised, but before she could do anything , he punched her again.

This time she fell down, and the drunk stumbled over to her and kicked her.
, then picked her up and threw her into the wall.

By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn;t move very much, so then he stumbled over to her, put his face next to hers and said "Not so tough tonight are you Batman"

[My Chumps]

Naste accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles
He's now very worried his next crap could spell "Disaster"

Brilliant!

[nas]

There was Dudge, Ringo and Grazz on death row. The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:

1. to be shot

2. to be hung

3. to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

So Dudge said, "Shoot me right in the head." (Boom, he was dead instantly).

Then Ringo said, "Just hang me." (Snap, he was dead.)

Then Grazz said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff."

They gave him the shot, and Grazz fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.

Then Grazz said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.

Finally the warden said, "What is wrong with you?"

Grazz replied "You guys are so stupid..... I'm wearing a condom!"

[Grazz]

Better to safe than sorry.  ::)

[T Dog]

Here's the guide to calorie-burning activities and the number of calories per hour they consume.
Beating around the bush. . . . . . . . .75
Jumping to conclusions . . . . . . . . 100
Climbing the walls . . . . . . . . . . 150
Swallowing your pride. . . . . . . . . .50
Passing the buck . . . . . . . . . . . .25
Throwing your weight around (depending on your weight). . . .50-300
Dragging your heels. . . . . . . . . . 100
Pushing your luck. . . . . . . . . . . 250
Making mountains out of molehills. . . 500
Hitting the nail on the head . . . . . .50
Wading through paperwork . . . . . . . 300
Bending over backwards . . . . . . . . 75
Jumping on the bandwagon . . . . . . . 200
Balancing the books. . . . . . . . . . .25
Running around in circles. . . . . . . 350
Eating crow. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 225
Tooting your own horn. . . . . . . . . .25
Climbing the ladder of success . . . . 750
Pulling out the stops. . . . . . . . . .75
Adding fuel to the fire. . . . . . . . 160
Wrapping it up at the day's end. . . . .12
: Opening a can of worms . . . . . . . . .50
Putting your foot in your mouth. . . . 300
Starting the ball rolling. . . . . . . .90
Going over the edge. . . . . . . . . . .25
Picking up the pieces after. . . . . . 350
;D

[nas]

Grazz and Dudge were both patients in a Mental Hospital.  One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Grazz suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Dudge promptly jumped in to save him.  Dudge swam to the bottom and pulled Grazz out.

When the medical director became aware of Dudge's heroic act he immediately ordered him to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered him to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Dudge the news he said, "Dudge, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses.  The bad news is, Grazz, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom.  I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Dudge replied "Grazz didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

[T Dog]

A WW II American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught a supply boat to a supply base in the south of England, then caught a train to London.

The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit down. Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her. Could I please sit in that seat?” he asked.

The lady was insulted; “You Americans are so rude,” she said, “Can’t you see my dog is sitting there”?

He walked through the train once more and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place.

“Lady, I love dogs - have a couple at home - so I would be glad to hold your dog if I can sit down.”

The lady replied, “You Americans are not only rude you are arrogant.”

He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said.  “Lady, I’ve been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time; could I please sit there and hold your dog?”

The lady replied, “You Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also obnoxious.”

With that comment, the soldier completely lost his temper. He stepped over, picked up the dog, threw it out the window, and sat down. As she watched the young man shaking with anger, the lady was speechless, but at least had the sense to shut up.

At this, an older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up. “Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady’s description of you or not. But I do know after watching you, I am starting to believe the old legend that only the stupid ones sailed to the Colonies. You Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong dog out of the window.”

8)

[Grazz]

One day nast decided to go to the zoo, while standing in front of the Gorilla's cage a gust of wind blew some dirt in naste's eyes.
As nasty rubbed his eyelid the Gorilla went nuts and pulled the bars apart and proceeded to beat nasty to a pulp.
When nast regained consciousness he went to the zookeeper and explained what had just happened to him with the Gorilla.
Nodding the zookeeper replied,"well you see sir in Gorilla language pulling down your eyelid means F You, you made him angry"
Very unhappy with the explanation nast decided some revenge was in order for the beating he had received from the irate Gorilla
The next day he brought with him to the zoo 1 sausage, 2 party hats, 2 party horns and 2 knives.
Once in the zoo naste placed the sausage in his pants and went over to the Gorilla knowing that they will imitate what humans do.
Naste threw one party hat into the cage to attract the Gorilla then put his Party hat on which the Gorilla imediately copied.
Naste gave a little chuckle to himself then threw the Party horn into the cage, He blew his and the Gorilla blew his in turn.
Naste believed he had him now and threw one of the knives into the cage, pulled out the sausage from his fly and cut it in half.
The Gorilla looked at naste and then pulled his eyelid down.

[nas]

Grazz was walking along a sidewalk in a very gentle manner, almost as if he were walking on eggs. Two doctors, also on foot, were across the street. They spotted Grazz and began to discuss his condition. "Prostrate trouble," said the first doctor.
"Oh no, not at all. That's a case of hemorrhoids if ever I saw one", said the other.
They tossed it back and forth until one of them suggested going over to talk to Grazz. "Mister, this gentleman and I are both doctors," said one, "and if you'll pardon our intrusion, I figured you have a bad prostrate problem, but my colleague thought it to be hemorrhoids. Might you state the problem so that we can solve our little dilemma?"
"Well", said Grazz, "all three of us were wrong. I thought it was gas.

[T Dog]

A man drove his secretary home after she had a little too much to drink at a party.  Although nothing happened, he decided not to mention it to his wife who was an insanely jealous and suspicious woman.

Later that night, the man and his wife were in the car when he spotted a high-heeled shoe under the passenger seat.  While his wife wasn’t looking, he picked up the shoe and tossed it out of his window. Later, as they got out of the car, his wife asked, “Honey, have you seen my other shoe?”

>:(

[T Dog]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am sooo sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Would you let me buy your dinner to make it up to you?" she says. Smitten, he says yes.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater. Then they have drinks. They talk, they laugh, they share their deepest dreams.

She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap...and stay for breakfast the next morning.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been incredible!!!!  He is drawn to praise her.  "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"Oh heavens no," she replies......... "You just happened to catch my eye." :o

[T Dog]

Crazy Mike the Biker walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once, and I need something to keep me horny...keep me potent."
The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label, "Viagra Extra Strength," and says, "Here, if you take this, you'll go NUTS for 12 hours!"
Then Crazy Mike says, "Gimme three boxes."
The next day, Crazy Mike walks into the same pharmacy, right up to the same pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's penis is black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places.
Crazy Mike says, "Gimme a tube of Dencorub."
The pharmacist replies, "Dencorub? You're not going to put Dencorub on that are you?"
Crazy Mike says, "No, it's for my arms. The girls didn't show up."
:o

[T Dog]

For the young, Red Skelton was a marvelous comic back in the 1950s. As you will see, his humor is timeless. These lines are from the good old days when humor didn't have to start with a four-letter word

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere...but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."
8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!"
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"
8)