Jokes

[nas]

Dudge woke for the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed a robber sneaking through next door's garden.

Suddenly my neighbour Grazz came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly.

Grazz then began to dig a grave with the shovel.

Astonished I got back into bed.

My wife said, "Dudgie you're shaking, what is it?'

'You'll never believe what I've just seen' I said,

Grazz next door has still got my bloody shovel'.

[T Dog]

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a golf club wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."

"I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball...stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"
;D

[nas]

There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country.

The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell sausage."

The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said "Mmmmm, I smell pancakes."

The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole but couldn't because of the two bigger moles.

The baby mole said, "The only thing I can smell is molasses."

[nas]

A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse .. The buddy says,"how will I recognize him?" "That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment"

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse. "A female horth." So he shows him a prized filly.

"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"? So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over "Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears. "Nith earzth. can I see her mouf"?

The rancher is gettin pretty pissed off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth. "Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?

Totally pissed at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arm and jams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's you-know-what, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should rephrathe that.

Can I thee her wun awound a widdle bit"?

[Grazz]

Dudge woke for the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed a robber sneaking through next door's garden.

Suddenly my neighbour Grazz came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly.

Grazz then began to dig a grave with the shovel.

Astonished I got back into bed.

My wife said, "Dudgie you're shaking, what is it?'

'You'll never believe what I've just seen' I said,

Grazz next door has still got my bloody shovel'.

Haha good onya now he'll want it back....

[T Dog]

Why should you wear 2 pairs of undies when playing golf?

In case you get a hole in one  ::)

[Ringo]

While on Golf

Why do you never play golf with an undertaker?


He is always on top at the last hole.

[T Dog]

Brother John entered the 'Monastery of Silence'. The Chief Priest said, "Brother, this is a silent monastery, you are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."
Brother John lived in the monastery for five years before the Chief Priest said to him, "Brother John, you have been here five years now, you may now speak two words."
Brother John said, "Hard Bed." 
"I'm sorry to hear that," the Chief Priest said. "We will get you a better bed." 
After another five years, the Chief Priest called Brother John. "You may say another two words, Brother John."
"Cold Food." said Brother John, and the Chief Priest assured him that the food would be better in the future.
On his 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Chief Priest again called Brother John into his office. "Two words you may say today."
"Old Blanket,” said Brother John.
"Brother John, I think it is probably best that you leave the Monastery. You just don’t fit in," said the Chief Priest. “You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

[upthemaidens]

 Spiderman :-  Just another teenager who ends up with sticky hands after being on the web..

[Grazz]

A farmer drives over to the neighbouring property and knocks on the door
a boy about 9 opens the door
"Is your Mum or Dad home?" asks the farmer
"No they went into town" replies the boy
"How about your brother Howard is he here?"
"No he went with Mum and Dad"
The farmer stood there for a few minutes looking anxious
"I know where the tools are if you want to borrow one or i can give Dad a message if you like"
"Well i really wanted to talk to your Dad about Howard getting my daughter pregnant"
The boy thought for a moment....
"Yeh you would have to talk to Dad, he charges $500 for the bull not sure what he charges for Howard"

[Grazz]

Naste accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles
He's now very worried his next crap could spell "Disaster"

[Grazz]

A hooded bank robber bursts into a bank where Dudge and Naste are doing their banking, he yells at the teller "Fill this bag up with all the money you got"
As he runs for the door with a bag full of cash the security guard pulls off his hood
Knowing the security guard got a good look at him the bank robber shoots him.
He then notices the bank manager looking at him so he shoots him as well.
He then yells to everyone in the crowded bank "who else here has seen my face"
Everyone in the bank now very scared including Dudge and Naste just stared at the ground
The robber yells again " well did anyone else see my face or not"
There were a few moments of silence where everyone was to scared to speak
Then Dudge tentatively raises his hand and says
"I'm pretty sure Naste got a good look at you"

[Dudge]

A hooded bank robber bursts into a bank where Dudge and Naste are doing their banking, he yells at the teller "Fill this bag up with all the money you got"
As he runs for the door with a bag full of cash the security guard pulls off his hood
Knowing the security guard got a good look at him the bank robber shoots him.
He then notices the bank manager looking at him so he shoots him as well.
He then yells to everyone in the crowded bank "who else here has seen my face"
Everyone in the bank now very scared including Dudge and Naste just stared at the ground
The robber yells again " well did anyone else see my face or not"
There were a few moments of silence where everyone was to scared to speak
Then Dudge tentatively raises his hand and says
"I'm pretty sure Naste got a good look at you"

Anything to save my bacon mate, sorry naste lol

[T Dog]

*My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of matches his little face lit up when he tried to walk.. Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.*   :'(

[Dudge]

A drunken man phoned the local police station to report that theives had broken into his car

"They have stolen the dashboard. the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator" he cried out

However, before the investergation could even start, the phone rang again, and the same voice was on the line

"Never mind" the drunk said with a hiccup " I got in the back seat by mistake"