Jokes

[T Dog]

A man doing market research knocked on a door. He was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken back. He replied with candor, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob to keep the kids out."
;D

[nas]

99% of people in the UK say they haven't been affected by eating horse meat.
That's according to a gallop poll

29% of the meat content in Tesco's hamburgers turns out to be horse?!
No wonder they gave me the trots!

Are you in favour of Horsemeat in your burgers? Yay or Neigh?

I expect this only relates to those mini-burgers you have as snacks.
You know, the horse d'oeuvres.

Those Aldi horse burgers were nice, but I prefer My Lidl Pony

Shocking news. Tesco own brand value hamburgers have been found to have traces of real MEAT in them.

Turns out the horses were s*xually assaulted before being turned into burgers police say their main suspect is jimmy saddle

So a man goes to his fridge to cook his beef burgers aaaaandd there're off!!

Breaking news Tesco to launch a new line of burgers for kids called "My Little Pony"

Horseburgers....Essential to maintaining a stable diet.

Camel toes have been found in Tesco leggings'

What do you put on a burger? A fiver each way!

[T Dog]

During a ride in a taxi, the rider touched the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

Upon the touch, the taxi driver flinched, screamed, then went into a panic and almost wrecked the taxi. Finally the driver got control and pulled to side of road.

Still shaking, he turned to his rider and apologized. He said, "Sorry about that. This is my first day as a cab driver. For the past 20 years I have driven a hearse".  8)

[upthemaidens]

 I think I may have created this joke the other day (well dont think ive heard it before), it is atleast xmas cracker quality.. :P

What do you call a Horse with a flash light? .............







..... A Nightmare           

[T Dog]

As part of their ministry, the church decided to run a daily soup kitchen. Not surprisingly, the free food was very popular with the homeless people in the area. However this gift did come with a small catch - first you had to listen to a sermon.

Every day the rows of pews would be filled with derelicts, bums, and plenty of people down on their luck. One afternoon, the minister decided it was time again to lecture on the evils of alcohol. In order to get their attention, the minister began the service by putting up two glasses. One he filled with water. The other he filled with gin.

Then he pulled out a worm and dropped it in the water. The worm swam happily around in the glass of water until the minister pulled it back out. As the worm wriggled in his fingers, the minister proclaimed with certainty that the worm loved the water and that the water was safe for the worm.

Then the minister dropped the worm in the gin. Almost instantly the worm died and its ravaged body began to disappear in the toxic element.

The minister let out a satisfied cry of delight. "Do you see what evils this alcohol has done!? What does this experiment prove?"

A wino in the back of the room spoke up. "Reverend, it proves if you drink alcohol, you'll never get worms!  Can we eat now?"
8)

[T Dog]

A government social worker was visiting the Indian reservation for the first time.
Over by the store, a woman was yelling up a blue streak at an old Indian man. The man looked like he could use some help. The social worker walked over and broke up the disturbance by pulling the man aside.
"Hey, that lady sure has your number."
"She no lady. She my wife."
"You don't say. What's her name?"
"Wife name 'Three Horse'."
The social worker smiled. "Now that's a strange name. Three Horse. Yep, that sure is a strange name. How did she get a name like that?"
"Nag nag nag."
;D  ;D

[nas]

Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning:
"Windows frozen."

Husband texts back:
"Pour some lukewarm water over it."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"Computer really screwed up now."

[nas]

Paddy took two stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow

"Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century.  Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"

"Yes" says Paddy; "Sticks".

[nas]

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As thean began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.
She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the   napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered --   'THE TEETH.'

[nas]

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun!  What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know.  But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

[Spite]

Paddy took two stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow

"Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century.  Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"

"Yes" says Paddy; "Sticks".

Had me in stitches! :)

[T Dog]

We've all heard about men having guts and men having balls. In fact, they are both slang for 'courage'. But you know what? They aren't synonyms.

Do you want to know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

GUTS- is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met at the staircase by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning or are you going flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, being met at the staircase by your wife with a broom, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next."

8)

[T Dog]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello.
He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you Know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that got me so excited I had to lay you right there on the pool table with all my buddies spraying whip cream on us???"
She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, actually I'm your son's math teacher."
;D

[nas]

"A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and pair of running boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"

I LOVE THIS ONE.

She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"
FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!"

[T Dog]

One day a father gets off of work and on his way home he remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on the display window?"

The salesperson answers, " Which one? We have:

Work out Barbie for $19.95
Shopping Barbie for $19.95
Beach Barbie for $19.95
Disco Barbie for $19.95
Divorced Barbie for $265.95

The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"

The salesperson answers:

"Sir, 'Divorced Barbie' is a complete set. She comes with:

Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Dog, Ken's Children, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and... as a special feature, Ken's Best Friend."
;D