Jokes

[nas]

A young blonde girl goes to the doctor for a physical.  The doctor puts his stethoscope up to the girl's chest and says, "Big breaths." The girl replies, "Yeth and I'm not even thixteen."
                   *******************

A guy walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his crotch.

The bartender says, "Hey, mate - did you know you've got a steering wheel sticking out of your crotch?"

The guy says, "Yeah ... it's driving me nuts."

[nas]

Three guys - a South Aussie, a Queenslander and a Victorian - are out walking along the beach together one day.  They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.  "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total", says the genie.

The Queenslander says, "I am a fisherman, my dad's a fisherman, his dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too.  I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity."  With a blink of the genie's eye, 'FOOM' the oceans were teaming with fish.

The Victorian was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Victoria, so that we can run our own State how we feel, and no hippie southerner can tell us what to do.  I want it so nothing and no-one will get in for all eternity."  Again, with a blink of the genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Victoria .

The South Aussie asks, "I'm very curious.  Please tell me more about this wall".  The genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out."

The South Aussie says, "Fill it up with water."

[nas]

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.  He figures he'll have a little fun.

Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mate.  Mind if I speak to him?"

New Zealander: "Dogs don't talk, you stupid Aussie."

Ventriloquist: "Hey dog - how's it garn, old mate?"

Dog: "Doin' allright."

New Zealander: <extreme look of shock>

Ventriloquist: "Is this Kiwi your owner?" <pointing at New Zealander>

Dog:"Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good.  He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

New Zealander: <look of disbelief>

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

New Zealander: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse:"Cool."

New Zealander: <extreme look of shock>

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" <pointing at New Zealander>

Horse:"Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How's he treat you?"

Horse:"Pretty good, thanks for asking.  He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

New Zealander: <total look of amazement>

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

New Zealander: "The sheep's a liar."

[nas]

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I want you to give me 12-year scotch, and don't try to fool me because I can tell the difference."

The bartender is skeptical and decides to try to trick the man with 5-year scotch.  The man takes a sip, scowls and says, "Bartender, this crap is 5-year scotch.  I told you I wanted 12-year scotch."

The bartender tries once more with 8-year scotch.  The man takes a sip, grimaces and says, "Bartender, I don't want 8-year scotch like this filth.  Give me 12-year scotch!"

Impressed, the bartender gets the 12-year scotch, the man takes a sip and sighs, "Ah, now that's the real thing."

A disgusting, grimy, stinking drunk has been watching all this with great interest.  He staggers unsteadily over and sets a glass down in front of the man and says, "Hey, I sink thash really fah-wout what you c'n do.  Try thish one "

The man takes a sip, and immediately spits out the liquid and cries, "Yechhh!  This stuff tastes like urine!"

The drunk's eyes light up: "Yeah!  So, now, how old am I?"

[T Dog]

A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening. She's not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents.
He has a bad case of gas and really needs to releive some pressure.
Luckly, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. He decides that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it.
He farts, and the woman yells, "Spot, get down from there."
The guy thinks, "Great, they think the dog did it." He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down.
This goes on for a couple more farts. Finally the woman yells, "Dammit Spot, get down before he poops on you." 8)

[T Dog]

Some Saturday Shockers...groaners for all the family:

You hear bout the race between the Lettuce, the Tomato and the Faucet?
The Lettuce was Ahead.
The Tomato couldn’t Ketchup.
And the Faucet just kept right on running…

what is underneath a roosters wing?
Answer: A Cockpit

How do you make a tissue dance?
you put a little boogie in it!!

why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
cause if they had 4 they would be a chicken sedan

What do you call one cow spying on another cow?
-A steak out.

There were two muffins in an oven and one muffin turned to the other and said, “MAN! IT”S HOT IN HERE” and the other muffin said, “AHHH!  A TALKING MUFFIN!”

If you are an American in the kitchen, what nationality are you in the bathroom?
European

What do you call Lassie with a rose in her mouth?
A cauliflower.

What happens when you drop a duck egg?
It quacks

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
- “Here come the elephants over the hill.”
What did Tarzan say when he say the elephants coming over the hill with sunglasses on?
- nothing, he didn’t recognize them.

Why did the pig go into the kitchen?
it felt like bakin’

What do you call a sleep walking nun?
A Roman Catholic

::) ::)

[T Dog]

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "PIG!!!"
The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "dog!!!"
They each continue on their way, and ..... as the man rounds the next
corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road ..... and dies immediately.
If only men would listen.
:o

[T Dog]

There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues: "Hello?" "Honey, It's me. Are you at the club?" "Yes." "Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat... It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?" "What's the price?" "Only $1,500.00" "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..." "Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2011 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..." "What price did he quote you?" "Only $100,000..." "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." "Great! Before we hang up, something else..." "What?" "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..." "How much are they asking?" "Only $450,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..." "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?" "OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!" "Bye... I do too..." The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
8)

[T Dog]

Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car.

The only thing he said was, "F.F."

His wife turned to him and answered, "E.F."

Out on the highway, he said, "F.F."

She responded simply, "E.F."

He repeated, "F.F."

She again replied, "E.F."

"Mom! Dad!" their son yelled. "What's going on?"

Bad Bernie answered, "Your mother wants to eat first!"

8)

[T Dog]

The Smart Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway.
But, as time went by, the traffic built-up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.
So one day Farmer John called the sheriffs office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I dont care," said Farmer John. "Just do something about these crazy drivers!"
So the next day, he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said,

SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING.

Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "Youve got to do something about these drivers. The school crossing sign seems to make them go even faster."
So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign that said,

SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.

But that speed them up even more! So Farmer John kept calling, and the sheriff kept changing the signs.
Finally, Farmer John said to the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"
The sheriff was ready to let Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling every day.
He said, "Sure thing, put up your own sign."
And after that, the sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.
Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call.
"Hows the problem with those drivers? Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. Ive got to go. Im very busy." He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself "Id better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..."
So the sheriff drove out to Farmer Johns house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:

  NUDIST COLONY ***
Go slow and watch out for the chicks!
8)

[T Dog]

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
:o

[nas]

Su Wong marries Lee Wong.
The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings out a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.
'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents
'Well, Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the Baby?'

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, So I think we will name him....

Are you ready for this?

Sum Ting Wong

[T Dog]

Su Wong marries Lee Wong.
The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings out a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.
'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents
'Well, Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the Baby?'

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, So I think we will name him....

Are you ready for this?

Sum Ting Wong

I will be using this one Naste...gold..lol.. ;D

[tor01doc]

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor.

The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body.

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. Go ahead and do the same thing, he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns  sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them, and told them, The second most important quality is observation.

I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.

Now learn to pay attention.



PS Have been tempted, but never tried it!

[henry]

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor.

The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body.

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. Go ahead and do the same thing, he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns  sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them, and told them, The second most important quality is observation.

I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.

Now learn to pay attention.



PS Have been tempted, but never tried it!

Haha have heard this one before, stands up to a second telling though  :)