Jokes

[nas]

Teacher asks the kids in class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Billy: "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best dog ever, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris , a jet to travel through Europe , an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson.  "

And you, Nancy?"

"I wanna be Little Billy's dog!"

[nas]

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy.
Before the procedure a very attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off.

When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table. The man obeys. The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and climbs on top and has her way with him.

Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about. The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and the cord is easier for the surgeon to locate and sever, thereby making the surgery safer, more efficient and quicker.

The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room.  While they are going down the hall the patient looks through a window to the right and sees six men in a room masturbating.

Curious, the man asks, "What are they doing in there"?  The nurse responds,
"They're preparing for vasectomies too, but you have MediBank, and they have MediCare."

[nas]

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.

Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a Nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it.

The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo. He's really worried but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his Grandmother, It says:
"Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle... It makes your nose look too short."

Love,
Grandma

[nas]

A man went to have a tooth pulled, and the dentist said, "I will need to give you an anaesthetic."

The man said, "No, I don't need anything. Just pull the tooth."
The dentist said, "You won't be able to withstand the pain!"
The man said, "I have been through excruciating pain twice in my life. Just pull the tooth."

The dentist pulled the tooth, and the man didn't even flinch. The dentist said, "If pain experience left you with that pain tolerance, I would liketo know about it."

The man said, "I went on a hunting trip with three other men, and we stayed in a cabin. We hunted Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, and when Thursday came, all were tired but me...so I went out by myself. When I got about four miles from the cabin, on snow-covered ground, I realized I had to 'do my business.' Knowing I couldn't make it back to the cabin, I decided to go right there. I tucked behind a tree and dropped my pants and squatted down to go. I didn't see the trap under the snow cover, and when I squatted, my balls dropped in the trap and tripped it, and it slammed shut on them."

The dentist said, "Wow! If that was the first time, when was the second experience?"
"When I ran out of chain on the trap."

[nas]

I got thrown out of the local pharmacy this morning, all I said to the girl behind the counter was
" Do you take it up the ar*e or swallow?" she went friggin mental and threw me out, now how am I going to find out how to use those suppositories????

[nas]

One night a nurse was making her rounds in a nursing home. While walking down the hall, she came across an open door. She looked in and saw old Drudge sitting up in bed pretending to drive.

She then asked, 'Drudge, what are you doing?' He replied, 'I'm driving to Sydney.'
The nurse smiled at him and carried on making her rounds.

The next night as she walked past Dudge's room she saw the same thing.

Again she asked, 'Dudge, what are you doing?' He replied, 'I'm driving to Sydney, it's a two day trip you know!'

The nurse smiled at him and carried on making her rounds .

Five minutes later she came across another open door and looked in.

She saw Grazz pretending to dance with someone. She then asked, 'Grazz, what are you doing?'

Grazz replied, 'I'm dancing with Dudge's wife, he's gone to Sydney for a couple of days"

[Dudge]

One night a nurse was making her rounds in a nursing home. While walking down the hall, she came across an open door. She looked in and saw old Drudge sitting up in bed pretending to drive.

She then asked, 'Drudge, what are you doing?' He replied, 'I'm driving to Sydney.'
The nurse smiled at him and carried on making her rounds.

The next night as she walked past Dudge's room she saw the same thing.

Again she asked, 'Dudge, what are you doing?' He replied, 'I'm driving to Sydney, it's a two day trip you know!'

The nurse smiled at him and carried on making her rounds .

Five minutes later she came across another open door and looked in.

She saw Grazz pretending to dance with someone. She then asked, 'Grazz, what are you doing?'

Grazz replied, 'I'm dancing with Dudge's wife, he's gone to Sydney for a couple of days"

I thought there was something iffy going on at Grazz'z birthday bbq yesterday,i overheard them saying something along the lines of me going on a trip :o

[T Dog]

At a recent COMDEX, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated that:

"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got1,000 miles to the gallon."

General Motors has issued a press release stating:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you
would just accept this, restart and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car XP" or "Car 2000". But then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive, but would only work on 5% of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning light would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the justice dept.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn to
drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You would press the "start " button to shut off the engine.
;D

[Dudge]

At a recent COMDEX, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated that:

"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got1,000 miles to the gallon."

General Motors has issued a press release stating:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you
would just accept this, restart and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car XP" or "Car 2000". But then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive, but would only work on 5% of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning light would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the justice dept.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn to
drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You would press the "start " button to shut off the engine.
;D

At 52, just bought my missus  a ford ( BA 2004, fiirst Ford we've ever owned , or had ) - yeah but pretty much nailed it T Dog :D. Nah but really - love  the (dark side) Ford at the minute

[T Dog]

Nice Dudge but remember..."Once you accept it, the dark side is with you forever." ―Freedon Nadd to Exar Kun â€" ...The dark side was an aspect of the Force, a metaphysical power that bound the galaxy together. The first known users of the dark side were the ancient Rakatans, a species of alien that conquered a large portion of the galaxy around 30,000 BBY. These aliens were able to harness the dark side to create engineering feats unheard of in their time, such as the hyperdrive and the Star Forge. However, the Rakatan Infinite Empire eventually collapsed when the Rakatans lost their connection to the Force.

I have always thought that... ;D

[Dudge]

Nice Dudge but remember..."Once you accept it, the dark side is with you forever." ―Freedon Nadd to Exar Kun â€" ...The dark side was an aspect of the Force, a metaphysical power that bound the galaxy together. The first known users of the dark side were the ancient Rakatans, a species of alien that conquered a large portion of the galaxy around 30,000 BBY. These aliens were able to harness the dark side to create engineering feats unheard of in their time, such as the hyperdrive and the Star Forge. However, the Rakatan Infinite Empire eventually collapsed when the Rakatans lost their connection to the Force.

I have always thought that... ;D

Mate, read the 1st bit, nearly had me ringing help line, but the last 5 words  have my missus saying " it's alright  Dave, we'll get through this, lol

[T Dog]

Chin up Dudge...it could be worse..
Darth Sidious, Darth Vader and Jerec, infamous practitioners of the dark side
"Evil began in a time before recorded history, when magicians made themselves into kings…and gods…using the powers of the dark side of the Force. The weak-minded have ever been ready to obey one who wields great power. Those who learned the powers of the dark side were quick to exploit this weaknessâ€"to make war. Again and again the dark side has surged forth, like a storm…devouring whole worlds and entire star systems. Those who mastered dark power became dark power. They unleashed destruction, for no other reason than for selfish gain. They despoiled nations…destroyed whole civilizations. Some of them, I am ashamed to say, were Jedi." ―Ood Bnar

and they drove Fords of course..lol... ::)

[T Dog]

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blond for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my Car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
;D

[T Dog]

One day, a French spy received a coded message from an American spy claiming it came directly from President Obama.
It read: S370HSSV-0773H.

The spy was stumped, so he sent it to his boss at the agency.
His boss was stumped too, so he sent it to the Russians for decoding.
The Russians couldn't solve it either, so they asked the Germans.
The Germans, having received this same message during WWII from the Americans, suggested turning it upside down.
;D

[T Dog]

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
8)