Jokes

[T Dog]

Shave and a haircut, $10:
An elderly man has a haircut and tells the barber he can't have a shave because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed the little ball. The barber replied, "Oh you would just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
:o

[T Dog]

Three nuns are sitting on a park bench. Then a man comes up and exposes himself to them.
Two of them have a stroke. But the third one couldn't reach.  ::)

[T Dog]

Dear Child,

I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home.
Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though.
Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.
They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.
Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.
Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

PS...I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

::) Oh dear!!

[T Dog]

What Would You Do?

A middle-aged man returns home from a business trip a day early, concerned that his wife may be having an affair. He's riding in a taxi at about 2:00 in the morning back towards his house, when he explains his situation to the taxi driver.
It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.
He explains to the cabbie that he suspects his wife is sleeping around on him, and offers the him $50 if he would be a witness to the affair, if he could catch her in bed with him. By the time they reach his house, the cabbie agrees.
They park a few doors down and, quietly, sneak into the front door and up the stairs. Then, with a burst of speed, the husband flicks on the bedroom lights and rips the blanket off the bed and there his wife lays in bed with another man!

Out of his coat pocket, the visibly distraught husband pulls out a gun and puts it to the naked man's head. Just then, his wife yells "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited all that money!..."
•HE paid for the Mercedes I gave you.
•HE paid for our new cabin in the mountains.
•HE paid for your Sydney Swans season tickets.
•HE paid for our our lakehouse and boat.
•HE paid for your country club membership, and and HE even pays the monthly dues!'
Shaking his head, unsure of whether to pull the trigger, he looks over at the taxi driver and asks "What should I do?"

The taxi driver replies, "I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold."  8)

[pyronerd]

Saw this on another forum.. But its so funny for fellow maths nerds like me :P

Oh dear lol. I shouldn't understand this, but sadly, I do.

ROFL

[nas]

Grazz is in hospital had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament.

Grazz she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

Grazz did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them?

Grazz couldn't resist & pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.

What a nice feeling, he thought. Men restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.
The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.

"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."

Grazz, Hope you had a great B/Day & the above doesn't happen.

[nas]

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

[T Dog]

A man was mowing his front yard when his attractive, blonde, female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to her mailbox. She opened the mailbox, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house. A little later, she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and again slammed it shut. Angrily back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, the blonde came out again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
She replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!"
::)

[T Dog]

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death. Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck.

True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the séance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?" A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you." Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?" "It's great. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time, the grass is so green and the cows have such beautiful eyes." "What do you do all day?" asked Martha. "Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m." Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?" "Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha." "Well, then, where are you?" "I'm a bull in Montana." 8)

[Mr.Craig]

Care of Anthony Jeselnik -

My brother-in-law is a state trooper for the police department. He told me the only way he would let someone out of a DUI is if they gave him a blowjob. I said "Hey scumbag, you are married to my sister.....just give me the DUI".

[nas]

Extract from 50 shades of blue

He was in ecstasy and a huge smile spread across his face as his girlfriend moved slowly forwards and then backwards again.
Forwards then backwards. Back and forth. Back and forth.
In and out. In and out. Her heart was pounding faster now.
Her face was flushed and she moaned, softly at first, then progressively louder.
Finally, exhausted, she let out one almighty scream, then sighed heavily and relaxed her vice-like grip!!!

"Oh! Okay! You'd better park the bloody car yourself you SMUG barbie!"

[nas]

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs.
She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.
Her mom calmly said- "that part where hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair".
The girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister-"my monkey has grown hair".
Her sister smiled and said-"that's nothing, mine is already eating bananas".
Mom fainted...

[nas]

The Polish Divorce

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circ*mstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand.
Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland.

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?
I got proof.

What kind of proof?
She going to poison me.
She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read English pretty good, and it say:
Polish Remover.

[nas]

A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy.

All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another Australian visitor.

The barman says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada ?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What the heck is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"

"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."

The bartender grins and yells, "He's okay boys. He's one of us."

[nas]

I just got sacked from my job with the Samaritans crisis centre.

A guy called Mohammed phoned and said, "My girlfriend left me so I'm lying on the railway track at Central station waiting for the train to come".

I swear, all I said was, "Remain calm and stay on the line".