Jokes

[T Dog]

Everyone believed my story about taking cocaine with a prostitute in my kitchen.
They fell for it, sink, line and hooker.  ;D

[nas]

Grazz called Karen and said, "Sorry I haven't replied to your messages, I've been out drinking with the Dudge. I'll be home in about 20 minutes, is my chicken casserole still warm?"

"Still warm??" Karen screamed, "I sent you those texts last Tuesday!"

[T Dog]

Cmon give these tongue twisters a go..you know you want to..

I slit the sheet - the sheet I slit - and on the slitted sheet I sit.

I'm not a pheasant plucker,
I'm a pheasant pluckers son.
And I'm only plucking pleasants
'till the pheasant plucker comes.

Silly Simon's sitting in a shoe shine shop.
Where he sits he shines, and where he shines he sits.

Try to keep repeating the phrase "Red lorry, yellow lorry"
::)

[DazBurg]

I came home from the pub really drunk last night.
As I staggered into the living room and sat down on the sofa my wife looked at me and said, "Can't you just go out and have a couple of drinks?"
"Of course I can," I replied, standing back up, "Just let me get my coat."  8)

LOL
Love It

[Dudge]

Cmon give these tongue twisters a go..you know you want to..

I slit the sheet - the sheet I slit - and on the slitted sheet I sit.

I'm not a pheasant plucker,
I'm a pheasant pluckers son.
And I'm only plucking pleasants
'till the pheasant plucker comes.

Silly Simon's sitting in a shoe shine shop.
Where he sits he shines, and where he shines he sits.

Try to keep repeating the phrase "Red lorry, yellow lorry"
::)

T-dog the one i grew up with was

red leather, yellow leather

[T Dog]

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "Why, that's the talking clock" the man replied. "How does it work?" "Watch", the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "For f#$% sake, you White Goodman, it's 2am in the *&^%ing morning!!"  8)

[nas]

Dudge is doing a crossword. And says to Grazz, I'm stuck on 2 down. Flightless Bird from Iceland. (6,7)
Grazz thinks about it and replies ya thick twat that's easy, "Frozen Chicken".

[nas]

One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out.

When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.

The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."

So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.

Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.

The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"

The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."

[nas]

Two women where walking home home after a girls night out and they feel the need to pee, so passing a graveyard, they decide to go to answer the call of nature.

Of course they have no loo roll so the first one uses her knickers and then throws them away while the other woman spots a ribbon on a wreath and pulls it off and uses that.

Next day, their husbands are talking and one says to the other, you know we need to watch our wives when they go out for their nights out, my wife came home last night without her knickers. "You think that's bad" said the other husband, mine had a card stuck to her bum that said "from all the guys at the fire station - we'll miss you"

[nas]

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."

Mary answers, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"

The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.

"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"

[nas]

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

[nas]

An elderly couple were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, so they decided to return to the little town where they first met.
They sat in a small coffee shop in the town and were telling the waitress about their love for each other and how they met at this same spot.
Sitting next to them was the local cop and he smiled as the old couple spoke.
After the waitress left the table, the old man said to his wife, 'Remember the first time we made love, it was up in that field across the road, when I put you against the fence. Why don't we do it again for old times sake?'
The wife giggled like crazy and said, 'Sure, why not.' So off they went out the door and across to the field.
The cop smiled to himself, thinking how romantic this was and decided he better keep an eye on the couple so they didn't run into any harm.
The old couple walked to the field and as they approached the fence they began to undress.
The old man picked up his wife when they were naked and leaned her against the fence.
The cop was watching from the bushes and was surprised at what he saw.
With the vitality of youth, the wife bounced up and down excitedly, while the husband thrashed around like a wild man, then they both fell to the ground in exhaustion.
Eventually, they stood up,shook themselves, and got dressed.
As they walked back towards the road, the cop stepped from his hiding spot and said, 'That is the most wonderful love making I have ever seen. You must have been a wild couple when you were young.' '
Not really,' said the old man, 'when we were young, that fence wasn't electric.'

[Grazz]

Grazz called Karen and said, "Sorry I haven't replied to your messages, I've been out drinking with the Dudge. I'll be home in about 20 minutes, is my chicken casserole still warm?"

"Still warm??" Karen screamed, "I sent you those texts last Tuesday!"

Do you know Kaz, im getting worried now, Dudge are you talking in your sleep again. :P

[Dudge]

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

lol, i can picture it :)

[T Dog]

Out of Mind â€" Back in 5 minutes.

Paranoia is the delusion that your enemies are organized.

Paranoids are people too; they have their own problems. It’s easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you’d be paranoid too.
:o