Jokes

[T Dog]

I saw a teenage girl busking today. She had a great voice, and an even better pair of legs, emphasised by the short skirt she was wearing.
"Any requests?" She asked the watching crowd.
"Your thong," I replied with a wink.
Everyone gasped in horror, and the girl slapped me.
It's tough being an Elton John fan with a lisp.  >:(

[T Dog]

I saw a sign on the freeway last night it read: "Tiredness can kill".

I nearly showerd my self and crashed because last week I stayed up watching a EPL game  until 4 am when I was tired,.... I mean I could have died!  8)

[FisherSaints]

Did you hear about the guitarist who got in trouble by the law?

He was fingering a minor  ;D

[quinny88]

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."

[quinny88]

A bloke was standing at a bar and a beautiful woman was beside
him so he leans over and says,
"You remind me of my little toe"
She replies, "What? You Mean I'm small and cute?"
He says, "No. I’ll probably bang you on the coffee table
later when I'm drunk."

[quinny88]

A little boy walked in on his parents having sex. He sees his mum bouncing up and down on his dad, and he says "Mummy, what are you doing?" She said, "Well, daddy's too fat so I thought I'd try to flatten him out." The boy replied, "Why bother, every Tuesday the maid comes over and blows him back up again!"

[Spite]

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."

BRILLIANT!!!

[quinny88]

Haha this is my favourite one for the day..

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.
After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles -- something she obviously loved to do.
As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that?"
"Because", she' replied, "I miss mine."

[nas]

For thirty years I thought my wife had Tourettes but it turns out she really does think I'm a barbie !!

[T Dog]

I decided to open up a fireworks shop

Business is booming  ;D

[T Dog]

There was a Blonde and her husband.
One morning the husband leaves for work and the blonde gets up. She's determined to prove to her husband that blondes arn't dumb, by painting the kitchen.
When her husband gets home he says to his wife "Honey why do you have 3 coats on?"
The blonde says, "Well the directions on the paint said to use three coats for best results."
8)

[T Dog]

Kiera knightly has just turned down my offer to buy her a kebab.
Apparently, she's watching her boyish figure.  >:(

[T Dog]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4JhCxEDRVKU

Hitlers view of dream team.. ;D

[T Dog]

Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!"

"Woah, what the hell happened to him?"

"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."

"What a horrible way to die!"

"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."

"What a way to go, that's terrible!"

"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."

"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."

"Man, what a way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."

"Now that is one awful way to go!"

"No no, he survived that..."

"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"

"I shot him!"

"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"

"He was wrecking my house."
:o

[T Dog]

I came home from the pub really drunk last night.
As I staggered into the living room and sat down on the sofa my wife looked at me and said, "Can't you just go out and have a couple of drinks?"
"Of course I can," I replied, standing back up, "Just let me get my coat."  8)