Jokes

[T Dog]

It's Halloween ..be afraid be very very afraid...

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party.
The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early decided go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate sex in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."
"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.
To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad. Apparently he had the time of his life."
:o

[DazBurg]

Two cowboys are out on the range one starry night talking about their favourite sex positions.
One says, "Ever had rodeo sex?".. "Ain’t heard of that one," says the other cowboy. "What is it?"
"Well, you get the girl down on all fours, and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup her breasts, whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sister’s' and see how long you can hang on"

LOL

[T Dog]

I walked up to a girl in a bar and said, "You look like somebody who has a boring sex life. My mission tonight is to get you drunk, take you back to my house and give you the best shag ever."

She said, "My boyfriend is right behind you."

"Good, I'm glad I've got his support."  8)

[T Dog]

I walked into the boss's office and handed him a pear. He asked, "What's this for?"
"A pay rise. My wife told me to grow it first and then ask you."

(think it through..lol.. :o)

[Spite]

I walked into the boss's office and handed him a pear. He asked, "What's this for?"

"A pay rise. My wife told me to grow it first and then ask you."

think about it.... ::)

Grow a pear, love it ! (Got it instantly too! :P)

[Capper]

It's Halloween ..be afraid be very very afraid...

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party.
The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early decided go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate sex in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."
"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.
To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad. Apparently he had the time of his life."
:o

i had heard this before but forgot the punch line. wow

[T Dog]

Q .. Why do blondes like lightning?
A .. They think someone is taking their picture.

Q .. Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
A .. From eating with forks.

Q .. Why do blondes drive BMWs?
A .. Because they can spell it.

Q .. Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A .. Toes go in first.

Q .. Why don't blondes double recipes?
A .. The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.

Q .. Why don't blondes make good pharmacists?
A .. They can't get the bottle into the typewriter.

Q .. Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?
A .. They can't remember the number.

::)

[CrowsFan]

I walked into the boss's office and handed him a pear. He asked, "What's this for?"

"A pay rise. My wife told me to grow it first and then ask you."

think about it.... ::)

I walked into the boss's office and handed him a pear. He asked, "What's this for?"
"A pay rise. My wife told me to grow it first and then ask you."

(think it through..lol.. :o)

Why did you post the same joke twice?

[MajorLazer]

I walked into the boss's office and handed him a pear. He asked, "What's this for?"

"A pay rise. My wife told me to grow it first and then ask you."

think about it.... ::)

I walked into the boss's office and handed him a pear. He asked, "What's this for?"
"A pay rise. My wife told me to grow it first and then ask you."

(think it through..lol.. :o)

Why did you post the same joke twice?

Gave us more time to think it through, cos he thought he couldn't get it. ;)

[T Dog]

I walked into the boss's office and handed him a pear. He asked, "What's this for?"

"A pay rise. My wife told me to grow it first and then ask you."

think about it.... ::)

I walked into the boss's office and handed him a pear. He asked, "What's this for?"
"A pay rise. My wife told me to grow it first and then ask you."

(think it through..lol.. :o)

Why did you post the same joke twice?

Need a remedial mouse operating course..lol.. :-[

[T Dog]

Once there was a magical mirror.
When you told the thruth it gave you things, but if you lie to it, it makes you vanish forever.
One day three college girls went to the mirror.
The red head said "I think I'm the smartest one." Then she got a diploma, scholarship, and got accepted into all the colleges in the world.
The brunette then said "I think I'm the prettiest one."
Then she got a Corvette, mansion, a good looking boyfriend , and a lot of money.
Then the blonde said " I think...*poof*"
Then she suddenly dissapearred forever

8)

[T Dog]

A cucumber, an olive and a penis are talking.
The cucumber says "I hate my life, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me in salad."
The olive says "That's nothing, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me on pizza."
he penis says "You think you have it bad, when I get big fat and juicy they put me in a bag, throw me in a cave, shut the door and leave me there till I throw up"
:D

[BoredSaint]

Saw this on another forum.. But its so funny for fellow maths nerds like me :P

[T Dog]

I was out on a first date when I saw a couple of lads from my football team:
"Alright skipper?" they said, as they walked past.
"Mmmm, I love a man with power..." Purred my date, "especially the captain of a team."
"I'm not the captain" I explained, "I've just got a really gay run."
8)

[T Dog]

A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.
"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"
The fourth floor sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.
"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.
"Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.
The sixth floor sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 6,875,953,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.