Jokes

[T Dog]

One day a lady went into a fishing shop to buy her husband a fishing pole for his birthday.

She picked up a really nice looking pole and asked the salesman how much it was. The sales man says, "I am blind but if you give me the pole I can tell how much it is by the weight."

So the lady gives him the pole and he says, "That pole is worth $45." She was amazed at how cheap that was.

So then she picked up another really nice pole, hands it to the man and he says, "This pole is worth $55." she decided that was also really cheap.

And then she picks the nicest looking pole in the place and handed it to the man and he says, "This pole is our best and it is $70." she told him that she would take it.

As she was getting the fishing pole all rung up, she had to fart really really badly. She decided since the man was blind that it really wouldn't matter if she farted in front of him so she just let it loose.

All of a sudden the man says, "It all comes up to $80."

Confused the lady says to him, "But you said the fishing pole was only $70."

He said, "It is. Its $70 for the fishing pole and $10 for the duck call."
8)

[T Dog]

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative, he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services, he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services, he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing, even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer, he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration, he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing, although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist, all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist, all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector, all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
;D

[T Dog]

A Blonde is having a great day.
She is walking towords the elivator and notices it's leaving.
She starts to run, but a man holds it for here and she makes it.
When she's inside she starts thinking 'I'm in a really good mood, Ill share it with that man' Then says "T-G-I-F!"
The man looks at her and says "S-H-I-T"
The blonde is startled then says "T-G-I-F" again.
The man, again, says "S-H-I-T"
The blonde says "No, T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness Its Friday!"
The man replys "No, S-H-I-T, Sorry Honey Its Thursday."
:o ;D

[T Dog]

- "Oh come on Moneypenny, come to bed with me..."?
"No James!" She sighs, "I know you special forces types. You'll be in and out before I know anything about it..."
:-\

[T Dog]

One day there were four nuns in line for confessional.
The first nun said, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."
He asked how.
She said "I saw a man's private part." He told her to wash her eyes with holy water.
The second nun comes in and says, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."
He asked how.
"I touched a man's private parts." He told her to wash her hands in holy water.
Then he heard the third and fourth nun fighting. He asked why they were fighting.
The fourth nun said, "I'm not going to wash my mouth in the holy water if she is going to sit in it."
8)

[T Dog]

I saw some gorgeous identical twins standing at the bar last night.
I staggered over and said, "Do you ladies fancy coming back to my place for a threesome?"
"You're drunk aren't you?" they asked.
"No," I slurred, "What makes you think that?"
They said, "I'm standing here on my own."
>:(

[T Dog]

"You haven't listened to a word I've said, have you?"

That just always seems like a strange way for my wife to start a conversation with me. :o

[Bill Manspeaker]

hahaha good form T Dog

[Capper]

Absolutely fantastic TDOG

[T Dog]

hahaha good form T Dog

Absolutely fantastic TDOG

Thanks guys.. ;D

An old couple were out on thier 60th wedding anniversary and they decided to go to the place where they had first met.
After they had eaten the husband goes to his wife "Hey you remember that fence out back don't you?" His wife goes "Why, yes Harold thats where we first made love" Harold then goes "Well, how about we go relive the old time, eh?".
His wife agrees, and a young man nearby follows them out, intrested to see what this is gonna be like.
The old couple get to the fence, get naked and then start rocking and bucking like thier 16 years old! The young guy watches until they finally collapse off the fence and asks them in amazement "How the hell did some old-timers like you get that much stamina?!". The old man, who is still kinda dazed says "Well lets put it this way kid, 60 years ago, the damn fence wasn't electrified!"
8)

[T Dog]

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.
Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.
After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.
The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".
"I am actually 47."
Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."
:-[

[MajorLazer]

Bloody hell T Dog. Just keep coming up with rippers.

Please keep em coming, loving them. :)

[T Dog]

Bloody hell T Dog. Just keep coming up with rippers.

Please keep em coming, loving them. :)

Thanks ML  8)

Some Chinese Proverbs ...

Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
;D

[T Dog]

I received a letter from my electricity company this morning explaining the reasons why they're putting my bill up.

They failed to mention, "To make even more profit".  >:(

[Spite]

Bloody hell T Dog. Just keep coming up with rippers.

Please keep em coming, loving them. :)

Yeah +1

Although I don't reply to them, I have read everyone of your jokes and actually look forward to hearing them lol

I read this thread every single day, it really makes me feel better if I have had a crappy day :P (and makes me feel better on a good day too!)

Thank again T Dog.