Jokes

[T Dog]

One day in school the teacher asks little Johnny,
"If there were five birds on the tree and you shoot two birds with your gun then how many would be left?"
"None because they would all fly away.", replies little Johnny.
"That is incorrect.", says the teacher, "there would be three left, but I like the way you think."

Then little Johnny asks the teacher,
"If there were three women on the bench with an ice cream cone, one bitting on the cone, the other sucking the cone, and the last one licking her cone, which one is married?"
"The one sucking on the cone," guessed the teacher.
"That is incorrect," replies little Johnny," The one with the wedding ring on her finger is married, but I like the way you think."
;D

[T Dog]

One day a blonde was driving down the highway when she saw another blonde on the side of the road trying to row in a boat. The blonde pulled over and said "You know it's people like you that give us blondes a bad name, if I knew how to swim I'd come out there and kick your ass". 8)

[T Dog]

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

:o

[Dudge]

Theres a major fire at a large New Zealand chemical plant. The first state of the art fire engine rolls up and see that the fire is so big, they stay their distance. The owner of the plant arrives and says " i give u $50000 if u can get to the centre of the plant, all our documents and secrets are there", . A second, then third fire engine roll up. The owner says " okay , i'll give u $100000 if u get to centre of the fire and save all our secrets" Still no movement from the Firies. A fourth, fith sixth engine roll up, nothing. Then all of a sudden, a old 1960's fire engine comes roaring in, with all old maories in their seventies aboard, and go straight to the guts of the inferno, and start fighting the fire. After about 20 minutes the fire is out. the owner says " Iv"e never seen anything as brave as that, i'm going to give u $200000.Meanwhile the press are there and interview and congratulate the old fellas. They asked the old Captain of the fire engine-" what are u going to do with the money" Well he replies " the first thing we"re going to do is get the flowering brakes fixed"

[RiOtChEsS]

LOL'd hard ;D

[T Dog]

A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions).

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one." The man packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions carefully."

The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed and position the frog in place.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, the girl calls the pet store.

The man says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over." Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there."

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"
8)

[T Dog]

A horse walks into a bar, and that was the end of my career in showjumping.  ;D

[DazBurg]

A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions).

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one." The man packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions carefully."

The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed and position the frog in place.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, the girl calls the pet store.

The man says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over." Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there."

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"
8)

LOL

[T Dog]

I am starting up a new online business based on this joke... ;D ;D ;D 8)

[T Dog]

The policeman had the bar under surveillance a few minutes before closing time, so he could see who comes out drunk.
The first one out the door at 2:00 o'clock weaved down the sidewalk, then fell on the curb. Sluggishly got up, then tried his keys in five cars before finding his own car.
Once inside his car, he fumbled with his keys for 2 or 3 minutes.
Meanwhile, all the club patrons had gotten into their cars and driven away, leaving this one fellow quite alone in the parking lot.
Finally, he got his car started and began to very slowly drive away.
Immediately, the police car was behind him with lights flashing.
The policeman asked the man to take a breathalyser test, to which he readily agreed.
When the reading was 0.0%, the policeman said, "How can this be?"
To which the man replied, "Because tonight, I'm the designated decoy."
8)

[DazBurg]

The policeman had the bar under surveillance a few minutes before closing time, so he could see who comes out drunk.
The first one out the door at 2:00 o'clock weaved down the sidewalk, then fell on the curb. Sluggishly got up, then tried his keys in five cars before finding his own car.
Once inside his car, he fumbled with his keys for 2 or 3 minutes.
Meanwhile, all the club patrons had gotten into their cars and driven away, leaving this one fellow quite alone in the parking lot.
Finally, he got his car started and began to very slowly drive away.
Immediately, the police car was behind him with lights flashing.
The policeman asked the man to take a breathalyser test, to which he readily agreed.
When the reading was 0.0%, the policeman said, "How can this be?"
To which the man replied, "Because tonight, I'm the designated decoy."
8)

LOL

[T Dog]

One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor askes her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I mistakanly picked up the iron instead of the phone.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other."
"The bugger called again"
:o

[T Dog]

I was out on a date with a girl from work recently, but it didn't go well.

The farting out loud, burping and awkwardly scratching the crotch.

It really put me off her.  8)

[T Dog]

One day a blonde came home from school and came to her mother and said, "Hey, Mommy! Mommy! Today in school we learned to count. The other kids could only count to three but I can count to Ten..... 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

The mother responds, "Very good honey." The blonde asks, "Is that because I'm a blonde mommy?" And the mother responds, "Yes dear."

Next day the blonde came home and went to her mother and said, "Today in school we learned our ABCs! The other kids could only get to D but I can get to K! .... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K!"

The mother says, "Very good honey." The blonde then asked. "Is that because I'm a blonde, Mommy?" The mother responds, "Yes dear."

The third day the blonde come home from school and said to her mother, "Mommy today in school we went swimming! But I was the only one who had breasts. Is that because I'm a blonde, Mommy?"
And the mother responds, "No Honey, it's because you're twenty five."
;D ;D

[T Dog]

A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer.
The bartender tells him it will cost 10 cents.
After the guy finishes his beer he asks for a steak and another beer.The bartender tells him it will cost 50 cents.
The guy pays and asks to thank the manager.
The bartender tells him that " the boss is upstairs with my girlfriend. "
The guy asks the bartender "What's your boss doing upstairs with your girlfriend?"
The bartender repleys, "Probably the same thing I'm doing to his business"
::)