Jokes

[T Dog]

Kate was standing in the kitchen cooking dinner.
Her husband Paul was in the living room drinking a beer and watching the game.
"Honey, you need to come in here and fix the fridge. The door is broke and if you don't fix it the food will go bad." Kate said.
Paul yells back, "Who do I look like the GE man, I Don't think so."
A little while later Kate says, "Honey, you need to fix the hall light, it's out."
"Who do I look like an electrician, I don't think so, " Paul says.
A few minutes later Kate says, "Honey, you need to fix the porch step before someone gets hurt on it."
Paul quickly replies, "Who do I look like a carpenter, I don't think so."
Frustrated, he gets up and leaves.
He decides to go to a bar down the road.
After the game was over, he began to feel slightly guilty for the way he treated his wife so he went on home.
He comes up the porch and realizes that the step is fixed.
He walked into the house and noticed that the hall light was fixed.
He walked into the kitchen to get a cold beer and noticed that the fridge was fixed.
Paul sees his wife and says, "Babe, how did you fix all this."
She looked at him and said, "Well after you left I began to cry on the porch.
A fine young man walked past and noticed I was crying and he asked me what he could do to help.
He fixed everything.
I asked him what I could do for payment.
He said I could either bake him a cake or sleep with him."
Paul says, "Well, what kind of cake did you bake him?"
Kate looks at him and replies, "Who do I look like Betty Crocker, I don't think so!"
8)

[T Dog]

Mickey Mouse goes to the judge after speaking to him before about getting a divorce with Minney. The judge says "I'm sorry Mickey but I couldn't find grounds for divorce for being insane." Mickey looks stunned and says "I didn't say she was insane I said she was flowering Goofy " :o

[T Dog]

Two men were sitting at the top floor of the Empire State Building.

One man says to the other.. "You know, if you jump out the window here, the force of the wind will blow you back in through the window on the 90th floor.."

The other man says "bugger off, you're jokin aren't u?"

The 1st man says "No, here.. I'll prove it" so he stands on the window ledge and jumps out.. and comes back in thru the 90th floor window..

The 2nd man says.. "That was just a one off" So he does it again.. and comes thru on the 90th floor.. runs back up and says "See, im telling the truth"

The 2nd man says "Wow, im gonna do it then" he stands on the window ledge, jumps out and falls to his death.

The barman says to the first man.. "You know, you're a bugger when you're drunk superman"
8)

[T Dog]

My wife looked surprised when I brought home a brand new 50 inch plasma TV.
"We don't need a new telly" she said.
"I know" I replied "but it was on sale at Harvey Normans because the volume control doesn't work. I couldn't turn it down."  ::)

[Nails]

Here's a good one:

Dodo Internet.

[T Dog]

I sent a text to my wife last night, "Hi babe I'm at the pub with some lads, please try and wash all my dirty clothes and make sure you prepare my favourite dish before I return."
I sent another text, "Babe I forgot to tell you that I got an increase in my salary at the end of the month I'm getting you a new car"
She text back,"Omg really?"
I replied, "No I just wanted to make sure you got my first message."  :o

[DazBurg]

I sent a text to my wife last night, "Hi babe I'm at the pub with some lads, please try and wash all my dirty clothes and make sure you prepare my favourite dish before I return."
I sent another text, "Babe I forgot to tell you that I got an increase in my salary at the end of the month I'm getting you a new car"
She text back,"Omg really?"
I replied, "No I just wanted to make sure you got my first message."  :o

LOL love it

[T Dog]

What's the difference between murder and attempted murder?

Competence.  ;D

[T Dog]

A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start swearing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say hell and you say ass."
"OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?
"I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"
8)

[T Dog]

There are three moms. .

A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde.

They were all talking one day and the brunette says "Oh my gosh y'all I went through my daughter's purse the other day to get some gum, and I found an ounce of weed. I cannot believe she smokes weed"

They comfort her, and the redhead says "Yeah, well I found a fake I. D. In my daughter's purse. I cannot believe she has one". So they all comfort her.

Then the blonde says "That's nothing. I found a condom in my daughter's purse. I just cannot believe she has a penis"
::) ::) ::)

[T Dog]

I am an optimist. When I see the glass is half empty I think hey look, more room for vodka.

8)

[monstrum]

My wife looked surprised when I brought home a brand new 50 inch plasma TV.
"We don't need a new telly" she said.
"I know" I replied "but it was on sale at Harvey Normans because the volume control doesn't work. I couldn't turn it down."  ::)

U ever get that embarrassing feeling when u dont get the joke u feel like a real nob!

Then u realize u got it the whole time, its just not funny!!  :-[

[T Dog]

A blonde and a brunett where on ther way to heaven and the brunette asked the blonde "how did you die" ?
The blonde said "I had a heart attack, how about you"
And the brunette says "I froze to death, what caused your heart attack"
The blonde said "It started when I came home from work and I saw a womans car in the drive way"
"I rushed in to the house and asked my husband where are you hiding her"
"He said hiding who, but I started looking around the house, I was so angry I dropped to the floor."
Finally the brunette says "Damn!! If you had just looked in the freezer we'd both have lived.
:-\

[T Dog]

There was three guys getting on a plane, the first one had a sandwich, the second one had a bag of peanuts and the third one had a bomb.

While they were up in the air the pilot said that the plane was too heavy and if it didn't get any weight off of it it was going to crash.

So the first guy drops his sandwich off, but still wasn't enough, so he jumped off and lived, when he got down he saw this little girl crying and crying and he asked what was the matter and she said that a sandwich hit her on the head, so he said he was sorry.

Meanwhile up in the plane it was still too heavy so the second guy dropped his bag of peanuts off, but it still wasn't enough so he jumped off and lived, when he got down there he saw this little girl crying and crying, so he asked what was the matter and she said that a bag of peanuts hit her on the head, so he said he was sorry.

Meanwhile up in the plane it was still too heavy so the third guy dropped his bomb off but it still was too heavy so he jumped off and lived when he got down there he saw this little boy laughing and laughing and he asked the little boy what was so funny and he said I farted and a building blew up!!
;D

[T Dog]

My poor old Grandma died of a massive heart attack when she was watching the TV last Saturday evening. No-one knows what caused it and she was always really healthy, so it came as terrible shock to all the family.

Still, it wasn't a bad weekend for everyone. The Paramedic who tried to revive her was in the papers earlier. Lucky bugger won  1st division in tattslotto the same night.  :o