Jokes

[nas]

Grazz & Karen buy a new Subaru & to celebrate they go for a long drive to a National Park. But on returning from a swimming hole they cannot find their vehicle.
After much frantic searching they eventually meet a Park Ranger (Dudge) & explain their predicament.
Dudge assures them their vehicle is parked nearby.
When Grazz & Karen begin apologising, Dudge says there is no need.

Wait for it!!!


"You would be amazed how many people come out here & then can't see their Forester for the trees.

[Dudge]

Ringo and naste were sitting in the doctors waiting room. Naste looks at Ringo and says " what are u here for ". Ringo replies "i got a red ring around my pecker ". Ringo says to naste " what are u here for " , naste says, " Iv'e got a green ring around my pecker ". The doctor calls Ringo into his office and examined him. As Ringo was walking out, he looks at naste and says " u got nothing to worry about ". The doctor calls naste into his office and examines him. The doctor turns to naste and says "ur pecker is gunna fall off and ur going to die ""WHAT" said naste,  "u just told Riingo there was nothing to worry about, and ya telling me i'm gunna die ffs " "The doctor looks at naste and says " well theres a big difference between lipstick and gangrene"

[Dudge]

They finally released the ingredients in Viagra ! 3% vitamin E, 2% Aspirin, 2% Ibuphrofen, 1 %Vitamin, 5% spray starch and 87% Fix a Flat

[My Chumps]

Ahahaha, classic jokes CF  :P

Last one is a corker  8)

[CrowsFan]

Haha thanks MC :)

[T Dog]

Lance Armstrong has flown into New York to deny doping claims.

It would have been more convincing if he'd used a plane 8)

[T Dog]

The 20 Year Old Headache

There was a man who had had a headache for twenty years and was at the point where he wanted to end his own life, but he decided to go to a specialist first.
No doctor could solve his problem, until finally one of them said "You have a very rare problem, your testicles are pressed up against your spine causing your headache. The only way to remedy it is to remove your testicles."
The man hesitantly agrees and gets them removed.
On his way home he walks past a taylor shop with a sign saying "ALL SUITS HALF PRICE"
Being in need of a new suit he walks in where a man greets him and says "Hello Sir I see you want a suit, I would say that you are a 34 sleeve and a 24 pant."
"Wow! How did you know that?" said the man.
"Why Sir I've been in this business for 40 years. Would you like shoes to go with that?"
"Sure" says the man. "Okay I'd say that you're a size 10 wide."
"Ok, now you're freaking me out...Thats a great talent" says the man.
"Thanks" replied the shopkeeper, "Now how about some undergarments?"
"Ok see if you can guess my size", said the man.
"Easy 36" said the shopkeeper.
"Nope 34" replied the man.

To which the shopkeeper exclaimed "Impossible a size 34 would skwish your testicles against your spine and you'de get a headache".
;D ;D ;D

[T Dog]

Two women where walking home home after a girls night out and they feel the need to pee, so passing a graveyard, they decide to go to answer the call of nature.

Of course they have no loo roll so the first one uses her knickers and then throws them away while the other woman spots a ribbon on a wreath and pulls it off and uses that.

Next day, their husbands are talking and one says to the other, you know we need to watch our wives when they go out for their nights out, my wife came home last night without her knickers. "You think that's bad" said the other husband, mine had a card stuck to her bum that said "from all the guys at the fire station - we'll miss you"
:-\

[Bill Manspeaker]

lmao gold ^^

[Dudge]

Q.   What did the blind man say when he walked past the fish markets?

A.   Good morning ladies

[T Dog]

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets the word that he is to return home. He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest.

He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy... activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them. The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, "My bike."
8)

[T Dog]

Pythagoras walks into a bar muttering, 'If a right-angled triangle has a short side, X, a long side, Y, and hypotenuse, Z, then the square of Z must be equal to the sum of the square of X and the square of, erm... uh...'

The barman says, 'Y, the long face?'

8)

[DazBurg]

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets the word that he is to return home. He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest.

He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy... activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them. The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, "My bike."
8)

LOL Gold

[T Dog]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children...
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mother, Ann, "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turns to the third mother, Joyce, "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on Dick, we're leaving"  :o

[Capper]

A man was walking through a rather seedy section of town, when a bum walked up to him and asked the man for two dollars.
The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"
The bum replied, "No."
Then the man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"
The bum said, "No."
Then the man asked the bum, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"