Jokes

[Ziplock]

lolol

[T Dog]

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle
please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying barbie told you I was speeding too.

[Purple 77]

A 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 86-year-old said: "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child." "So what do you think about that, Doc?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.
"I have an older Redneck friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said: "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied: "My point exactly."

BAHAHAHAHAH!

Think that is the second best joke I have heard on this thread!

But nothing can beat that "A frayed knot" joke....... Gold  ;D

[nas]

PATIENT: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."

DOCTOR: "I've got some cream for that."

[nas]

A guy dies and is sent to Hell.
Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in.
In the first room, people are standing in shower up to their necks.
The guy says "no, let me see the next room."
In the second room, people are standing with shower up to their noses.
Guy says no again.
Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room.
People are standing with shower up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries.
The guy says, "I pick this room."
Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee.
On the way out Satan yells, "O.K., coffee break's over. Everyone back on your heads!"

[nas]

Grazz & Dudge are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money.
They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash.
Just then Grazz turns to Dudge and hands him a bill. "Here’s that $20 I owe you."

[nas]

Grazz & Dudge are fishing.
Grazz reels in his line and sees that he's snagged an old bottle.
As he's taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. "Turn the lake into beer," Grazz says.
The genie goes "Poof!" and the lake turns into beer.
Grazz says to the Dudge, "So what do you think?"
Dudge says, "You jerk. Now we've got to piss in the boat."

[nas]

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I got somethin' I bet you never seen before." And then the bartender said, "Well I don't know, I've seen a lot of things."
So the man put a little pet carrier on the bar, opened it, and then a 12-inch tall man walked out. Then the man placed a miniature grand piano on the bar. The 12-inch man started playing it.
The bartender was amazed and asked, "Where'd you get that?!"
The man replied, "There's a genie who will grant you any one wish you have. He's just next door."
So the bartender went to the genie and the genie agreed to grant him one wish. The man wished for, "a million bucks."
The genie then nodded and 1 million ducks started falling from the sky. The bartender went back to his bar to talk to the man who owned the 12-inch man.
The bartender said, "Man, I think that genie's hard of hearing or something. I asked for a million bucks and he gave me a million ducks."
The man replied, "Well duh he's hard of hearing! Did you think I went in there and wished for a 12-inch pianist?"

[nas]

Children in the dark cause accidents, accidents in the dark cause children!

Children in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause children.

[DazBurg]

I was at the local swimming pool yesterday, and decided to have a sneaky pee down the deep end. But the flowering life guard was right on to me. The a..hole blew his whistle so flowering loud, i nearly fell in !!

LOL Gold

[nas]

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails.
A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.
The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don't know, it all happened so fast.”

[Dudge]

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails.
A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.
The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don't know, it all happened so fast.”

Like it mate, was the turtles name Grazz, he's a bit slow ;)

[Dudge]

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails.
A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.
The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don't know, it all happened so fast.”

Like it mate, was the turtles name Grazz, he's a bit slow ;)

But he can lift heavy things ;D

[CrowsFan]

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken takes out a cigarette and begins to smoke. The egg, pissed off, takes one look at the chicken, rolls over and pulls the blanket over him and says, "I guess we answered that question!"

A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks.

"I'm going down to give blood."

"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"

"About $20."

"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator.

The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.

"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"

"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.

Why was the Blonde's bellybutton bruised?

Her husband was a blonde too!

One day three old ladies were sitting on a park bench and this guy jumped out of the bushes and flashed them.

The first lady had a stroke, the second one had a stroke, but the third one's arm was too short to reach.

King Arthur was about to embark on a long crusade. Before doing so he called to Merlin to devise a cunning chastity belt for Gwenivere. The belt contained a miniture guillotine.
Upon his return, he called to his Knights of the Round Table and had them all strip from the waist down. One by one, he went to each knight and shook his head, telling all those whose members were missing to get out of his sight.
That is until he came up to Lancelot. Seeing that Lancelot was intact, he exclaimed, ''Now I knew I could count on you to be trusted. Name anything at all and it is yours.''
Lancelot replied '' UNGH!UH! UNGH!'''

A woman asks the pharmacist if he sells extra large condoms.

The pharmacist replies, "Yes, would you like to buy one?"

The woman says, "No, but do you mind if I stand here and wait to see if anyone buys one?"

One day Mom was cleaning Junior's room and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine.

This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his Father got home and showed it to him.

He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word. So she asked him, "What should we do about this?"

Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."

[Grazz]

I was at the local swimming pool yesterday, and decided to have a sneaky pee down the deep end. But the flowering life guard was right on to me. The a..hole blew his whistle so flowering loud, i nearly fell in !!

Thats not a joke he really did that. ::)