Jokes

[nas]

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony

On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around .

A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'

The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'

She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts....

Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him,
'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.

'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.

'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the
smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.

The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500.00 membership fee.'

'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.'

The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 35 times a day

[nas]

Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."

The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.

"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, ‘Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning -- intercourse or golf course --'
She said, “Don’t forget your sweater.”

[nas]

Three little ducks go into a bar..........

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey

"Oh.. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two..

"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all da myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.

"My name is Puddles."

[nas]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.

"$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

[nas]

Here's a one-question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend the rest of your day.
There is a mute (can't talk) who wants to buy a toothbrush.n By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper, and the purchase is done.

Now, if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?

He opens his mouth and says. 'I would like to buy a pair of Sunglasses.'

[Ziplock]

I have a feeling myself or zip may have mentioned it at some point. I know I tell people that in person :P

it is a goldy :P

[T Dog]

I got in touch with my inner self today. That's the last time I buy "No Name" brand value toilet roll.  :'(

[T Dog]

Three Aussie guys were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Kevin.
Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Kevin says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.
Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Kev?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me,"
Bruce replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"
"Well not exactly," Kevin said. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'.
She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'
And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are'."  8)

[Bill Manspeaker]

lmao ^^

[My Chumps]

Brilliant T Dog  ;D

[T Dog]

There are only 2 things preventing me from being an evil genius:

1) I'm a nice person.
2) I'm a bit thick.  :-[

[Ringo]

Definition of Politics: Fleas with Agendas.

[T Dog]

3 mates die in a car crash, they go to heaven.

At an orientation they are asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning about your death, what would you like to hear them say about you? "

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say......LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!"   8)

[T Dog]

My ex-girlfriend walked past me today and didn't even notice I was there.

I must be getting better at this stalking business.  8)

[Dudge]

3 mates die in a car crash, they go to heaven.

At an orientation they are asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning about your death, what would you like to hear them say about you? "

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say......LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!"   8)

Like it mate, me and the Missus had a good laugh :)