Jokes

[Bill Manspeaker]

^^ hahahahaha gold

[T Dog]

A passenger plane traveling to California is suddenly hit with a severe engine problem and plummets into the Pacific Ocean.

The impact is such that the plane is ripped apart leaving only one man alive. After hours of swimming he spies an island and drags himself up onto the sandy shores.

Though he is half drowned and aware that he is thousands of miles from home, he cannot but admire the beauty of the island he has found himself on.

Looking down the beach he sees a figure lying on the beach, another survivor from the crash. He runs over and sees that she is not breathing, so quickly he gives her the kiss of life. After several attempts she coughs into life. As she wipes the hair from her face he now can see who it is...its Kylie Minogue!

Forever grateful to him for saving her life, they strike up an immediate bond, and over the following weeks, while stranded on the island, they fall madly in love. One day Kylie is walking down the beach and notices her new found love sitting on the rocks by the beach, staring out to sea, with a look of sorrow on his face. She wanders over to him, and asks what is wrong. "Kylie," he says, "The last few weeks have been the greatest of my life. We've found this island paradise. We have all the food and water we could require, and I have you, but still I can't help feeling there's something missing."

Kylie replies: "What my darling? What is it that you need? I'll do anything".
"Well there is one thing. Would you mind putting on my shirt?"
"OK"
"And my trousers?"
"OK"

At this point he gets up and grabs some charcoal from the ground, and draws a neat moustache on her lips. "OK... Can you start to walk around the island, and I'll set off the other way and meet you half way."

"OK dear, whatever will make you happy?"

So off they set. After an hour walking he eventually sees her heading towards him along the beach, at which point he breaks into a sprint, runs up to her, grabs her by the shoulders and shouts:

"Hey mate, you won't believe who I'm shagging'!!

[Purple 77]

lol that was pretty funny, i like that one  :P

[McRooster]

I just searched in Google for 'footy jokes' and the #1 listed link was http://www.fanfooty.com.au/forum/index.php?topic=13339.0  8)

[T Dog]

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for Six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet, replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance".

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.

"For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot."

"Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people" God continued, pointing to different countries. "And over there, I call this place America.

North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, and hot and friendly. And the little spot in the middle is Central America which is a Hot spot. Can you see the balance?"

"Yes" said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then he pointed to a smallish land mass and asked, "What's that one?"

"Ah" said God. "That's New Zealand, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, rainforests, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast line. The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super- human, undefeatable, strong in character citizens who will be admired and feared by all who come across them".

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then exclaimed, "You said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the buggers I'm putting next to them"

8)

[T Dog]

My wife hates it when I put her chocolate bars in other chocolate bar wrappers.

It gets her Snickers in a Twix.  ;D

[T Dog]

Two Aussies are adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions one of them finds an old lamp. He rubs the lamp and a genie suddenly appears. This genie tells them that he only grants one wish.

Without giving much thought to the matter, the lamp finder blurts out, "Turn the entire ocean into VB!"

The genie claps his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turns into beer.

The genie disappears and only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull breaks the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.

The second Aussie turns to the first and says, "Nice going mate! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

8)

[Dudge]

A pirate was talking to a land-luver in a bar one day. The land-luver noticed like any self respecting pirate, this guy had a peg-leg, a hook in place of one of his hands. and a patch over one eye. Curiosity got the better of the land-luver. so he asked the pirate, " how did you lose you're leg?" The pirate replied " I lost me leg in a battle of the coast of Columbia". His new friend was still curious, so he asked " what about you're hand, did u lose that in the same battle?" Nah replied the pirate, " i lost that to sharks off the Bermuda Islands". Finally the land-luver asks, I notice u have a patch over you're eye, how did that happen?" The pirate say's," I was sleeping on the beach one day, and a seagull flew over and cr-pped right in my eye" The land-luver asked," how can a little seagull cr-p make u lose you're eye" The pirate snapped, " It was the day after i got me hook !! "

[T Dog]

A tortoise was left distressed after a flash of lightning struck his home and nearly killed him.

He was shell shocked.  8)

[Purple 77]

A tortoise was left distressed after a flash of lightning struck his home and nearly killed him.

He was shell shocked.  8)

::)

Excellent  ;D

[T Dog]

Two blokes were out walking home from work one afternoon. "As soon as I get home, I'm gonna rip the wife's knickers off!" said the first bloke. "What's the rush?" his mate asked. "The bloody elastic in the legs is killing me," the bloke replied.

[T Dog]

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, "The whole time."
;D

[Bill Manspeaker]

hahaha ^^

Q: What's the difference between a white baby and a black baby?

A: 30 minutes in the oven

[T Dog]

I was standing at the bar when a girl came up to me.
"Fancy buying me a drink?" She said,
"Sure," I replied. "If you let me choose."
"Okay," she grinned. "But how will you know what I want?"
"Well, it's kind of a talent," I smiled. "All I do is look a girl up and
down and I know exactly what drink suits her best."
"Okay," she giggled. "You can choose for me."
So I turned to the barman and said, "Diet coke, mate."
;D

[T Dog]

My grandfather is a wanted criminal and last week he turned himself into the police.
Talk about a master of disguise.  8)

When I was growing up I was told I would amount to nothing so i became an IT technician because I heard there was a lot of cache in it  ;D