Jokes

[elephants]

Ooops sorry lads, should've been following along :-[ :)

[T Dog]

Job Application
This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

[T Dog]

After Ele's big night last night a few jokes that Fev used on the red carpet about him

Q. What do you call ele when he is wearing pink earmuffs and a dress?
A: Anything you want, he can't hear you.

Q: Why does ele drink so much?
A: To try to forget.

[Dudge]

what do u call 2 grasshoppers trying to win d/t- s/c?













GRAZZhoppers- i made that up,- - here come the boo's lol. Don't forget Saturday mate if ur free-3:oo pm

[elephants]

After Ele's big night last night a few jokes that Fev used on the red carpet about him

Q. What do you call ele when he is wearing pink earmuffs and a dress?
A: Anything you want, he can't hear you.

Q: Why does ele drink so much?
A: To try to forget.

hahaha nice mate ;D

I'm sorry, couldn't contain myself. The m0nty medal after party started at the conlusion of round 1 for me. All my votes came in round 1 :P

[T Dog]

Some shockers to use when you need to butt in to a conversation..

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.

What happened when the cow jumped over a barbed wire fence?
Utter destruction!

What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown?
Does this taste funny to you?

[Tominator]

What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.

Wouldn't it be 25? hahhahah  ::)

[SydneyRox]

What happened when the cow jumped over a barbed wire fence?
Utter destruction!

Shouldnt it be Udder destruction?

[elephants]

Hahaha to be fair T Dog has contributed a truckload of jokes to this thread, I think we can let him off ;)

We needn't hound him. (Get it? T-DOG... Hound - Classic! :D)

[SydneyRox]

No doubt, i have been checking this page regularly now for Tdogs specials...

[T Dog]

Hahaha to be fair T Dog has contributed a truckload of jokes to this thread, I think we can let him off ;)

We needn't hound him. (Get it? T-DOG... Hound - Classic! :D)

Oh dear..as bad as some of the jokes..lol

A joke to remind you to pay your debts...

Nick the Dragon Slayer was an official in King Arthur's court. He had a long-standing obsession to caress the beautiful Queen's voluptuous
breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death. One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor.
Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to have Horatio the Physician arrange it and that he would gladly pay the 1,000 gold coins for the chance to satisfy his desires for the Queen.
The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's massive brassiere while she was
taking a bath. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for several hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer had present the antidote to curb the itch.
King Arthur quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put it into his mouth, and for the next four hours, worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer could have cared less, and knowing that Horatio the physician could never report this matter to the King, shooed him away with no payment made.
The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into King Arthur's loincloth. King Arthur quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer and for the next several hours ...

[T Dog]

A few famous names you may have heard of.....

If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.
If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.
If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.
If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.
If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, hey! it's the '90's!, he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.
If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elto John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.
If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.
If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.
If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.
If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.
How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be Boog Alou.
If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.
Nog (Quark's brother on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. If he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.
If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan Hale, she'd be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale.
If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, he'd be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.
If Javier Lopez married Keiko the whale, and Edith Piaf married Rose Tu the elephant, they would be Javier Keiko and Edith Tu.
If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.
If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.
If Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers, then went even further back in show business and married Mr. Lucky, then divorced and married Martin Short, then divorced and married football kicker Ray Guy, we could all nod understandingly when we heard, "Dolly Parton Smothers Lucky Short Guy."

[Purple 77]

I don't think this one has been said..... so many pages to look through now!

One day, a golfer and a priest were out playing golf. The golfer was to start first.

The golfer swung and missed, and shouted:
"JESUS CHRIST I MISSED!"

Enraged, the priest proclaimed:
"Do not use such language, or the lord will strike you down!"

The golfer lined up again, swung and missed, then shouted:
"JESUS CHRIST I MISSED!"

The priest in disbelief, then proclaimed:
"Do not use the name of the lord in vain or you shall be smited!"

The golfer lined up for a third time, swung and missed, and screamed:
"JESUS CHRIST I MISSED!"

Then all of a sudden, the skies grew dark and a massive lightning bolt struck the priest!

A ray of sunlight then shone on the golfer and the spasming corpse of the priest, and a big deep booming voice shouted:
"JESUS CHRIST I MISSED!"

[nas]

Wayne Swan walked into a branch of HSBC to cash a cheque. As he approached
the cashier he said "Good morning, could you please cash this cheque for
me"?

Cashier: "It would be my pleasure Sir. Could you please show me your ID?"

Swan: "Well I didn't bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any
need to. I am Wayne Swan, the Deputy Prime Minister!!!"

Cashier: "I'm sorry, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the
banks because of impostors and forgers, etc. I must insist on proof of
identity."

Swan: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you.
Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier: "I am sorry Deputy Prime Minister but these are the bank rules and
I must follow them."

Swan: "But I need this cheque cashed, its very important"

Cashier: "Perhaps there's another way: One day Adam Scott came into the
bank without ID.
To prove he was Adam Scott he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful
shot across the bank into a cup.
With that particular shot we knew him to be Adam Scott and cashed his
cheque.
Another time, Leighton Hewitt came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis
racquet and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup.
With that spectacular aim we cashed his cheque..
So sir, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the
Deputy
Prime Minister?"

Swan stood there thinking and finally says:
"Honestly, I can't think of a single thing I'm good at."

Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes, Deputy Prime Minister?"

[nas]

Where is the rake?
I was doing garden work this weekend and my wife was about to take a shower.
I realised that I couldn't find the rake. I yelled up to my wife, "Where is the rake?"
She couldn't hear me and she shouted back, "What?" I pointed to my eye, and then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion.
My wife wasn't sure and said "What?"
I repeated the gestures. "Eye - Kneed - The Rake"
My wife replied that she understands and signals back.
She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.
Well, there is no way in hell I could even come close to that one.
Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?
She replies,

"Eye - Left Tit - Behind - The Bush"--