Jokes

[fidou]

Had a laugh reading all these. I've only got one that I tell now and then. Got it off Hey hey its Saturday in the Eighties with Australia's original okka Maurie Fields.

A larrikin miner who was working in the mines in the Pilbara region arrives in Sydney and walks into a plush bar in the Rocks. The barmaid  (quite a good looker) says to the larrikin "what would you like."  Larrikin replies I'll have a schooner thanks".

He's been out bush for a while and he's a bit toey so he comes straight out and asks "How about going out with me tonight for $100. No funny biz I'm just after company." She replies with "forget it pal" and goes on with her duties. A while later she thinking she's a little short this week paying the bills etc and he's a nice guy and quite good looking. She's thinking and finally goes back to the guy and says "Pick me up after work"
They go out for the night and they both have a great time as the larrikin is a great guy so she's having fun so she says to herself what the heck lets go for it. They end up sowing their wild oats and having a good time.

The following day the larrikin arrives in the bar at the same time and is straight up and says another $100. The barmaid who has had a great time with him is eager "You bet".

This goes on for three nights and the barmaid has a grin on her like a Cheshire cat with the larrikan arriving on the 4th day at the same time. She's waiting for the next "hungy". Nothing forthcoming so she asks "What up" He replies and says he's got no more money. She's a bit disappointed but likes the guy so starts talking about where his is from. He says he's been working in the mines in the Pilbura region. Excited about this she says that her brother is doing that.

HE REPLIES YEP HE GAVE ME $300 TO GIVE TO YOU.

[T Dog]

After spending all day watching soccer, Harry fell asleep in front of the TV and spent the whole night in the chair. In the morning, his wife woke him up.

"Get up dear," she said, "it's 20 to seven."

He awoke with a start and said, "In who's favor?"

[T Dog]

Statistics, damned lies and statistics....

1. Ten percent of all car thieves are left-handed
2. All polar bears are left-handed
3. If your car is stolen, there's a 10 percent chance it was taken by a Polar bear

1. 39 percent of unemployed men wear spectacles
2. 80 percent of employed men wear spectacles
3. Work stuffs up your eyesight

1. All dogs are animals
2. All cats are animals
3. Therefore, all dogs are cats

1. A total of 4000 cans are opened around the world every second
2. Ten babies are conceived around the world every second
3. Each time you open a can, you stand a 1 in 400 chance of becoming pregnant

[T Dog]

A man walks into a bar with a dog dressed in Carlton gear and says to the barkeep "Please let us watch the Carlton game here, our tv is broken and my dog is a big Blues fan."
The barman thinks about it and says "Ok, but I don't want any problems with the dog."
The man agrees and the game starts. After a long while the Blues kick a goal and the dog gets up and high-fives every person at the bar. The barman rushes over and says " That's amazing. What does the dog do when they win a game?"
The man scratched his head and said " I don't know, I've only had him for three years."

[Purple 77]

Whats the difference between Melbourne and a pyromaniac?

A pyromaniac doesn't waste 22 matches.

:(

[the flying hawk]

A man walked into the bar and the bartender sees him
whats wrong with you the bartender asks
ah i got a flippin headache
oh yeah when I have somthing like that I go home and have sex with my wife you should try it said the bartender
ok the man said
next day the man turns up with a huge grin on his face
so how did it go asks the bartender
oh great you have a big house LOL

[the flying hawk]

superman was flying around town when he saw wonderwoman naked on a rooftop
he flew down had sex with her then flew off
what the hell was that asked wonderwoman
the invisible man replies I don't know but man i have a sore arse :) :) :) :D :D :D

[T Dog]

If AFL teams were women

•Sydney would be J-Lo - Quality all over, but especially good down back.
•West Coast would be Kylie Minogue - very decent despite not having much up front.
•Fremantle would be Danii Minogue - Always trying hard to be as good as her big sister, but will never measure up. The butt of everyone's jokes.
•St Kilda would be Krystal from Big Brother - has the biggest and best assets going around, but we all know they're not the real deal.
•Brisbane would be Elle MacPherson - past her glorious best but still easy on the eye and an old favourite with most.
•Port Power would be Madonna - also past her glorious best, but refuses to accept it gracefully.
•Carlton would be Whitney Houston - has not looked after herself in recent years and has gone completely off the rails.
•Adelaide would be Delta Goodrem - tidy, attractive, professional and uncontroversial. Nice to look at, but for some reason just makes you want to yawn.
•Geelong would be Britney Spears - at times can look stunning, at others it can get ugly.
•Essendon would be Katie Holmes - has a certifiable psycho in charge of her every move. Has lost credibility in recent times
•The Kangaroos would be Paris Hilton - lays down way too easily.
•Richmond would be Annabel Chong - can cop a pounding and keep coming back for more, all in the name of self-improvement.
•Western Bulldogs would be Shakira - proof that being short is no Barrier to getting you excited. Will only get better too.
•Hawthorn would be Christina Aguilera - looks like she enjoys it rough and dirty.
•Melbourne would be Princess Di - may be a blue blood, but hasn't done anything for a while.
•Collingwood would be Amelie Mauresmo - last woman on Earth scenario: you still wouldn't

[My Chumps]

Enjoyed that T Dog!

Reminds me of an old Alex Williamson video...


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VuK6KIY2MiI

(a bit outdated, but still flowering hilarious)

[bomberboy0618]

If AFL teams were women

•Sydney would be J-Lo - Quality all over, but especially good down back.
•West Coast would be Kylie Minogue - very decent despite not having much up front.
•Fremantle would be Danii Minogue - Always trying hard to be as good as her big sister, but will never measure up. The butt of everyone's jokes.
•St Kilda would be Krystal from Big Brother - has the biggest and best assets going around, but we all know they're not the real deal.
•Brisbane would be Elle MacPherson - past her glorious best but still easy on the eye and an old favourite with most.
•Port Power would be Madonna - also past her glorious best, but refuses to accept it gracefully.
•Carlton would be Whitney Houston - has not looked after herself in recent years and has gone completely off the rails.
•Adelaide would be Delta Goodrem - tidy, attractive, professional and uncontroversial. Nice to look at, but for some reason just makes you want to yawn.
•Geelong would be Britney Spears - at times can look stunning, at others it can get ugly.
•Essendon would be Katie Holmes - has a certifiable psycho in charge of her every move. Has lost credibility in recent times
•The Kangaroos would be Paris Hilton - lays down way too easily.
•Richmond would be Annabel Chong - can cop a pounding and keep coming back for more, all in the name of self-improvement.
•Western Bulldogs would be Shakira - proof that being short is no Barrier to getting you excited. Will only get better too.
•Hawthorn would be Christina Aguilera - looks like she enjoys it rough and dirty.
•Melbourne would be Princess Di - may be a blue blood, but hasn't done anything for a while.
•Collingwood would be Amelie Mauresmo - last woman on Earth scenario: you still wouldn't

Bit outdated, if you're calling Hirdy a psycho I'll get you :P.

[T Dog]

Bit outdated, if you're calling Hirdy a psycho I'll get you :P.
[/quote]

Oh c'mon BB...look at him really closely...its not a steely glare in his eyes you see...its the inner tortured madness of a serial killer.... 8)

[nas]

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Liquid Paper.
I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

[elephants]

This is a long one: A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I got somethin' I bet you never seen before." And then the bartender said, "Well I don't know, I've seen a lot of things." So the man put a little pet carrier on the bar, opened it, and then a 12-inch tall man walked out. Then the man placed a miniature grand piano on the bar. The 12-inch man started playing it. The bartender was amazed and asked, "Where'd you get that?!" The man replied, "There's a genie who will grant you any one wish you have. He's just next door." So the bartender went to the genie and the genie agreed to grant him one wish. The man wished for, "a million bucks." The genie then nodded and 1 million ducks started falling from the sky. The bartender went back to his bar to talk to the man who owned the 12-inch man. The bartender said, "Man, I think that genie's hard of hearing or something. I asked for a million bucks and he gave me a million ducks." The man replied, "Well duh he's hard of hearing! Did you think I went in there and wished for a 12-inch pianist?"

Think about it... Think about it ;)

[BB67th]

This is a long one: A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I got somethin' I bet you never seen before." And then the bartender said, "Well I don't know, I've seen a lot of things." So the man put a little pet carrier on the bar, opened it, and then a 12-inch tall man walked out. Then the man placed a miniature grand piano on the bar. The 12-inch man started playing it. The bartender was amazed and asked, "Where'd you get that?!" The man replied, "There's a genie who will grant you any one wish you have. He's just next door." So the bartender went to the genie and the genie agreed to grant him one wish. The man wished for, "a million bucks." The genie then nodded and 1 million ducks started falling from the sky. The bartender went back to his bar to talk to the man who owned the 12-inch man. The bartender said, "Man, I think that genie's hard of hearing or something. I asked for a million bucks and he gave me a million ducks." The man replied, "Well duh he's hard of hearing! Did you think I went in there and wished for a 12-inch pianist?"

Think about it... Think about it ;)

This joke is already in this thread like one or two pages back.

[nas]

^^^ Forgiven as it WAS his birthday recently