Jokes

[Ringo]

[Ringo]

Here’s a good one that had me cracking up!

    Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings, and a man puts the phone on speaker and begins to talk as he puts on his golf shoes. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

    Man: “Hello?”

    Woman: “Honey, its me. Are you at the club?”

    Man: “Yes.”

    Woman: “I’m at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only 1200 dollars right now, down from 1900. Is it okay if I buy it?”

    Man: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”

    Woman: “Oh, thanks so very much. I also stopped by the Mercedes garage this morning and saw the new models. There was one that I really, really liked.”

    Man: “How much?”

    Woman: “80.000.”

    Man: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the optional extras.”

    Woman: “Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house that we looked at last year is back on the market. They’re asking 1,500,000.”

    Man: “Well then, go ahead and make them an offer, but no more than 1,250,000.”

    Woman: “Wow, great! I’ll see you later! I love you!”

    Man: “Love you too, bye!”

    The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in absolute astonishment.

    Then he smiles and asks, “Anyone know whose phone this is?”

[Ringo]

Sometimes it helps to be strong, and other times it helps to be witty!

    A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day while in bed with her boyfriend, she hears her husband’s car pull into the driveway.

    She yells at the boyfriend, “Quick! Grab your clothes and jump out of the window. My husband has arrived home early!”

    The boyfriend looked out the window and said, “It’s raining like hell out there!”

    She said, “If my husband finds you here, he’ll kill us both!”

    So the boyfriend grabs his clothes and jumps out of the window naked. A group of marathon runners were just passing, so he decides to run along with them, carrying his clothes on his arm.

    Curious, one of the runners asked him, “Do you always run with no clothes on?”

    Gasping for air, he answered, “Oh yes, it feels so free having the air blow over your skin.”

    Another runner then asked the nude man, “Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?”

    Now breathlessly, the nude man replied, “Oh yes. That way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!”

    The runner then asked, “Do you always wear a condom when you run?”

    The nude man replied, “Only when it’s raining!”

[Ringo]

    Louie and Rose lived in an old folks’ retirement community, he a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years.

    One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. The two were at the same table, across from one another.

    As the meal went on, Louie took a few admiring glances at Rose and finally gathered the courage to ask her: “Will you marry me?”

    After about six seconds of ‘careful consideration,’ she answered “Yes. Yes, I will.”

    The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places.

    Next morning, Louie was troubled. “Did she say ‘yes’ or did she say ‘no’?” He couldn’t remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory.

    With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called Rose. First, he explained that he didn’t remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, “When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ‘Yes’ or did you say ‘No’?”

    He was delighted to hear Rose say, “Why, I said, ‘Yes, yes I will’ and I meant it with all my heart.”

    Then she continued, “I am so glad that you called, because I couldn’t remember who had asked me.”

[Ringo]

    Two elderly gents, Dudge and Grazz, had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.

    Lately, with their declining physical fitness and somewhat slower mental capacity, their activities had been limited to playing darts a few times a week.

    One day when playing darts, Grazz looked at Dudge and said, “Now don’t get mad at me. I know we’ve been friends a long time, but I just can’t think of your name. I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please remind me what your name is.”

    Dudge glared at Grazz. For at least three minutes he just stared and glared.

    Finally he said, “How soon do you need to know?”

[Dudge]

    Two elderly gents, Dudge and Grazz, had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.

    Lately, with their declining physical fitness and somewhat slower mental capacity, their activities had been limited to playing darts a few times a week.

    One day when playing darts, Grazz looked at Dudge and said, “Now don’t get mad at me. I know we’ve been friends a long time, but I just can’t think of your name. I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please remind me what your name is.”

    Dudge glared at Grazz. For at least three minutes he just stared and glared.

    Finally he said, “How soon do you need to know?”

Haha Ringo, not quite at that stage yet,( won't be long though ) but i did call my lads new girlfriend by his ex'es name once. Not a good thing to do let me tell you

[Ringo]

    Farmer Steve decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company’s fancy lawyer interrogated Farmer Steve.

    “Didn’t you say at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine?”‘ asked the lawyer.

    Farmer Steve responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Suzie into the…”

    “I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted, “just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine?’”

    Farmer Steve said, “Well, I had just got Suzie into the trailer and I was driving down the road…”

    The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”

    By this time the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Steve’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say.”

    Farmer Steve thanked the Judge and proceeded, “Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Suzie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Suzie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ol’ Suzie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Suzie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.”

    “He said, ‘Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?”

    “Now what the hell would you say?”

[Ringo]

    A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone.

    She approached him, smiled and said, “Hello. My name is Carmen.”

    “That’s a beautiful name,” he replied. “Is it a family name?”

    “No,” she replied. “As a matter of fact, I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most â€" cars and men. Therefore, I chose ‘Carmen.'”

    “Is that so?” the man asked, highly amused.

    “It is,” she nodded, then asked, “What’s your name?”

    Without missing a beat, he answered, “B. J. Titsengolf.”

[Ringo]

    A 96 year old retired reverend is at his yearly health check-up. All tests came back looking good, and the doctor sits down to discuss the results with him.

    “Well, Eric, physiologically everything looks good. How are you doing emotionally and mentally? Are you feeling content, and how’s your faith these days?” asks the Doctor.

    The reverend responds, “God and I are on great terms. He knows that I see so poorly these days, so now whenever I go to the bathroom at night, then ‘poof’ â€" the light turns on! And when I’m done peeing, then ‘poof’ â€" the light turns off again!”

    “Fantastic! That sounds marvelous,” says the doctor.

    A couple of days later the doctor calls Eric’s wife:

    “Good day, Anna. Eric’s vitals are looking good, and he seems to be doing well. The reason for my call is his relation to God. Is it really true that whenever he goes to empty his bladder at night, then ‘poof’ â€" the bathroom light turns on? And when he’s done, then ‘poof’ â€" the light turns off again?”

    Eric’s wife sighs:

    “That old fool. He has started peeing in the fridge again…”

[Ringo]

    A ship was traveling in a dangerous part of the sea. The captain saw a pirate ship approaching their vessel.

    The captain yells to his crew, “Men, bring me my red shirt!”

    The crew brings him his red shirt, he puts it on, and leads the men in battle. They lose one man, but on the whole it was a great victory. Everyone wonders what the deal is with the red shirt, but they just shrug it off.

    A few days later, the captain sees 2 pirate ships in the distance.

    He again yells, “Men, bring me my red shirt!”

    The crew does so, and they fight off the pirates. They lose a few more men this time, but at least most of them are unharmed.

    However, this time curiosity got the best of them, and they ask the Captain why he’s asked for his red shirt during the battles. He answers, “Well crew, I know all of you look to me for support and morale. I knew there would be a good chance of me getting injured, and I didn’t want you to see me all bloody and fear that all is lost. Therefore I put on a red shirt so that my injuries will blend in with the shirt.”

    A few weeks later, the ship is traveling in another sea, and in the distance, there are suddenly 10 fearsome pirate ships.

    The captain spots them and yells, “Men, bring me my brown pants!”

[Ringo]

    A manager at a grocery store had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes, he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four women in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

    The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, “What is the fastest thing you can think of?”

    The first woman replied, “A thought! It just pops into your head. There’s no warning.”

    “That’s very good!” replied the interviewer. “And, now you, what’s the fastest thing you can think of?” he asked the second woman.

    “Hmmm, let’s see… A blink! It comes and goes and you don’t know that it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of.”

    “Excellent!” said the interviewer. “The blink of an eye, that’s a very popular cliché for speed.”

    He then turned to the third woman, who was contemplating her reply.

    “Well, out at my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there’s a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of.”

    The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found the person for the job. “True, it’s hard to beat the speed of light,” he said.

    The interviewer then turned to the fourth candidate, who was a 19 year old blonde, and posed the same question.

    She replied, “After hearing the previous three answers, it’s obvious to me that the fastest thing is diarrhea.”

    “WHAT!?” said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

    “Oh sure,” said the blonde, “you see, the other day I wasn’t feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could think, blink, or turn on the light, I had already crapped my pants.”

[Ringo]

A teacher is trying to teach good manners to her third-grade students.

She turned to her class and said, “Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?”

Michael said, “Just a minute, I have to go pee.”

The teacher responded by saying, “Well, that would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?”

Sherman said, “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.”

“That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you behave for once and show us your good manners?”

Johnny said, “I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner.”

That’s when the teacher fainted…

Give that kid an A+!

[Ringo]

    A nun in the convent walked into the bathroom where Mother Superior was taking a shower.

    “There is a blind man to see you,” the nun announced.

    “Send him to my quarters,” Mother Superior replied, thinking there was no need to hurry and get dressed if he was blind.

    The blind man walks into her room, and Mother Superior starts to tell him how much she appreciates him working at the convent for them. She goes on and on.

    Several minutes later, the man interrupts: “That’s nice and all, ma’am, but really, you can put your clothes on now. Where do you want me to put these blinds?”

[Grazz]

    Two elderly gents, Dudge and Grazz, had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.

    Lately, with their declining physical fitness and somewhat slower mental capacity, their activities had been limited to playing darts a few times a week.

    One day when playing darts, Grazz looked at Dudge and said, “Now don’t get mad at me. I know we’ve been friends a long time, but I just can’t think of your name. I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please remind me what your name is.”

    Dudge glared at Grazz. For at least three minutes he just stared and glared.

    Finally he said, “How soon do you need to know?”

Pretty much already happening except it's Dudge last few games asking me, you barbie ?
In a quiet voice I reply no i'm Graham remember.  :P

[Ringo]

    A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

    “Officer,” the man began, “I can explain.”

    “Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.”

    “But, officer, I just want to sayâ€"”

    “And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”

    A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you, the police chief’s at his daughter’s wedding… He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”

    “Don’t count on it,” answered the defeated fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”