Jokes

[Ringo]

A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side.

You know what?” he concluded.

“What, dear?” she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

“I think you’re bad luck.”

[Ringo]

Not for the easily offended… but it’s sure good for a laugh!

    A nun and a priest decide to take a day off, so they go golfing.

    The nun gets a hole-in-one, but the priest hits it into a sand trap. He’s so angry, he shouts, “God dammit, I missed!”

    The nun reminds him not to take the Lord’s name in vain, and the priest apologizes and tries again.

    He hits the ball into the rough, and in his anger, once again shouts “God dammit, I MISSED!”

    “Father, please, you must stop taking the Lord’s name in vain!” the nun pleads. He apologizes.

    On his third shot, he hits it into the water and yells “GOD DAMMIT, I MISSED!” and before the nun can say anything, a bolt of lightning strikes her, killing her instantly.

    Out of nowhere, a loud voice booms, “God dammit, I missed.”

[Ringo]

The old saying “cheaters never win” is as true for both sports and marriage. A suspicious wife crafts a brilliant plan to see if her husband’s fishing trip story actually holds water.

    One day, a man called his wife to let her know that his boss had asked him to come on a fishing trip in Canada with some friends. He told his wife that he thought it would be a great move for his career and that he thought he should go.

    The man’s wife agreed to let him go, so he asked her to pack his bag as they were leaving the office and heading out from there. He specifically asked his wife to pack his new blue silk pajamas.

    The wife knew something was odd about the trip and about her husband’s request, but she packed everything that he asked for and had it ready for him to come pick up before leaving on the trip.

    After being gone for a week, the husband returned home and his wife asked if he had a good time and if he caught any fish.

    “You bet we did! We caught pike and walleye â€" tons of fish!” he told his wife. “We spent all day out on the lake and had fish every night for dinner. It was fantastic.”

    The husband then mentioned that his wife forgot one little thing.

    “You forgot to pack my pajamas like I asked, though,” he said.

    “No I didn’t,” his wife replied. “I put them in your tackle box.”

Caught out Ouch!

[Ringo]

This is classic!

    A little old lady went into the headquarters of the Bank of America one day, carrying a large bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, “It’s a lot of money!”

    The receptionist objected, stating, “You can’t just walk in here and expect to see the president of the Bank of America. He’s a very busy man.”

    “But I am here to make a very large cash deposit,” added the old woman.

    The receptionist momentarily looked at the sack of money, then walked back to one of the rear offices. She came back and said, “You’re in luck this morning, he will see you,” and ushered her in to see the president of the Bank of America.

    When she walked in to a large office with a nicely tailored man behind a great oaken desk. The bank president stood up and asked, “How can I help you?”

    She replied, “I would like to open a savings account,” and placed the bag of money on his desk.

    “How much would you like to deposit?” he asked curiously.

    “$180,000, if you please,” and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.

    The President was surprised to see all this cash, so he asked her, “Ma’am, I’m surprised you’re carrying so much cash around, especially a woman at your stage in life. Where did you come by this kind of money?”

    The old lady coyly replied, “I make bets.”

    Surprised, the president then asked, “Bets? What kind of bets?”
    The old woman said, “Well, for example, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.”

    “What?!” cried the man, “you want to bet me $25,000 that my balls, my testicles, are square?” He could hardly hold back from laughing.

    “Yes, you heard me. In fact, by ten o’clock tomorrow morning, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls will be square.”

    The man smiled broadly, thinking he had a live one. “You’ve got yourself a bet!” and shook her hand.

    The little old lady then said, “Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. as a witness?”
    “Sure!” replied the confident president.

    That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

    The next morning, at precisely 10:00 a.m., the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president’s office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: “$25,000 says the president’s balls are square!”

    The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.

    “Well, Okay,” said the president, obviously embarrassed. Thinking to himself, “$25,000 is a lot of money, I guess it’s okay.” He then said, “Yes, $25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.”

    As the old woman started to feel the banker’s testicles, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.
    The president asked the old lady, “What the hell’s the matter with your lawyer?”

    The old lady replied, “Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 a.m. today, I’d have the balls of the president of the Bank of America in my hands.”

Her body may be old, but her mind is sharper than ever!

[Ringo]

    A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, “Where did you get that car?”

    He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”

    “With what money!?” demanded his parents. “We know what a Porsche costs.”

    “Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”

    The parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars!?” they asked.

    “It was the lady up the street,” said the boy. “Don’t know her name â€" they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”

    “Oh my goodness!” moaned the mother, “she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”

    So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she has sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

    “Well,” she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn’t intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.”    A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, “Where did you get that car?”

    He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”

    “With what money!?” demanded his parents. “We know what a Porsche costs.”

    “Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”

    The parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars!?” they asked.

    “It was the lady up the street,” said the boy. “Don’t know her name â€" they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”

    “Oh my goodness!” moaned the mother, “she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”

    So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she has sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

    “Well,” she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn’t intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.”    A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, “Where did you get that car?”

    He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”

    “With what money!?” demanded his parents. “We know what a Porsche costs.”

    “Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”

    The parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars!?” they asked.

    “It was the lady up the street,” said the boy. “Don’t know her name â€" they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”

    “Oh my goodness!” moaned the mother, “she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”

    So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she has sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

    “Well,” she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn’t intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.”

[PowerBug]

A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.

'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. But when silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I suppose you'd just have to write with your other hand!.

[Ringo]

    A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college.

    There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

    She said, “Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?”

    “Negative, ma’am,” the Sergeant Major said, “Just serious by nature.”

    The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action.”
    The Sergeant Major’s short reply was, “Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”

    The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.” The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

    Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?”

    The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, “1955.”

    She said, “Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! Isn’t that a little extreme?”

    The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, “You think so? It’s only 2130 now.”

Don't you love the preciseness of a RSM.

[Ringo]

Hey, makes sense when you think about it!

    Father O’Flannagan dies due to old age. Upon entering St. Peter’s gate, there is another man in front of him in the queue waiting to go into heaven. St. Peter asks the man, “What is your name what did you accomplish during your life?”

    The man responds “My name is Joe Cohen, and I was a New York city taxi driver for 14 years!”

    “Very well,” says St. Peter, “Here is your silk robe and golden scepter, now you may walk in the streets of our Lord.”

    St. Peter looks at the Father, and asks “What is your name and what did you accomplish?”

    He responds, “I’m Father O’Flannagan, and have devoted the last 62 years to the Lord.”

    “Very well,” says St. Peter, “Here is your cotton robe and wooden staff, you may enter.”

    “Wait a minute,” says O’Flannagan, “You gave the taxi driver a silk robe and golden scepter, why did I only get a cotton robe and wooden staff?”

    “Well,” St. Peter replied, “We work on a performance scale. While you preached, everyone slept, but when he drove taxis, everyone prayed!”

[Ringo]

Here’s a joke. Try not to take it too seriously. It’s just a funny little take on what if Noah was alive today and lived in the United States. It might have gone a little like this…

    And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, “In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark.” In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the ark. “Remember,” said the Lord, “you must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year.”

    Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping. “Noah!” He shouted. “Where is the Ark?”

    “Lord, please forgive me,” cried Noah. “I did my best, but there were big problems.

    First, I had to get a permit for construction, and your plans did not meet the building codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a sprinkler system and approved floatation devices. Then, my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

    Then, I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I really needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won’t let me take the 2 owls.

    The carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now, I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.

    When I started rounding up the other animals, an animal rights group sued me. They objected to me taking only two of each kind aboard. This suit is pending.

    Meanwhile, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn’t take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the Universe.

    Then, the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed flood plain. I sent them a globe.

    Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking atheists aboard.

    The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I’m building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a ‘recreational water craft’.

    And finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it’s a religious event, and, therefore unconstitutional. I really don’t think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years.”

    Noah waited. The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine, and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky.

    Noah looked up hopefully. “You mean you’re not going to destroy the earth, Lord?”

    “No,” He said sadly. “I don’t have to. The government already has.”

[Ringo]

Could not resist putting this one up even though political:

"A friend told me yesterday that President Trump has now banned the sale of all shredded cheese. Apparently it's the quickest way he can deliver on his campaign promise to make America grate again."

[Ringo]

 It’s a little blue, but it gave me a laugh!

    A woman is pregnant with triplets. One day she goes into a bank just as it’s being held up. She gets shot 3 times in the stomach, but luckily she lives.

    She goes to the doctor who tells her that her children will be all right, and that one day the bullets will simply come out.

    So 15 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says “MOM, MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!” So the mother tells her the story of what happened 15 years ago.

    The next day the second daughter comes out and says the same thing, “MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!”

    On the third day the son comes out and says “MOM, MOM!”

    She asks, “Let me guess, you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out?”

    The boy replies, “No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!”

[fanTCfool]

AFL Evolution Player Ratings

[Hawka]

AFL Evolution Player Ratings

HAHAHAHA

it looks like they did the ratings at the start of last season

[PowerBug]

AFL Evolution Player Ratings

HAHAHAHA

it looks like they did the ratings at the start of last season

Back when Clayton Oliver was a ruckman right? ;)

[Ringo]

Forgive me if you’ve heard this one before. No matter what, it’s always good for a laugh. EVERY TIME!

    "Four surgeons were sitting around on lunch break, discussing what kinds of people they like to operate on.

    The first surgeon said, “I like operating on librarians. When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order.”

    The second surgeon said, “I like operating on accountants. When you open them up everything is numbered and organized.”

    The third surgeon said, “I like operating on electricians. When you open them up everything is color-coded.”

    The fourth surgeon said, “No no, operating on politicians is clearly the best, and also really easy.”

    The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief. One of them asked why.

    The fourth surgeon replied, “Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless, and their ass and head are interchangeable.”

Couldn’t have said it better myself!