Jokes

[T Dog]

I came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders.
It seems so easy,so I thought I'd pass it on. The article suggested doing it three days a week.
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface,where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5kg. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can.
Try to reach a full minute, then relax. Each day,you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-kg. potato sacks.
Then 15-kg. potato sacks, and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 20-kg. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each sack.

;D

[T Dog]

A priest was sent to a very small church in the backwoods of Alaska. After a couple of years the Bishop decided to pay the priest a visit to see how he was doing. The priest said that it was a really lonely job and that he didn't think that he could have made it without his Rosary and two martinis each day. With that the priest said to the Bishop, "Would you like to have a martini with me?" The Bishop said, "Yes, that would be nice." The priest turned around and hollered toward the kitchen, "Rosary, would you fix us two martinis please?"

what?  :o

[T Dog]

“The museum curator was brilliant at judging sculptures and paintings. He displayed art official intelligence.”

[T Dog]

"Hmmm," St. Peter reflected. "Well, how about Mercury?"
"No way!" God muttered. "It's way too hot for me there!"
"I've got it," St. Peter said, his face lighting up. "How about going down to Earth for your vacation?"
Chuckling, God remarked, "Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went there, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they're STILL talking about it!"

8)

[T Dog]

They always say that Albert Einstein was a genius. Then how come when anyone ever calls you that, its an insult?
e.g You don't know where you parked the car? Good job, Einstein.
I don't think we are honoring that man properly by using his name in vain in car parks.

[T Dog]

Back in the colonial days a man wanted to grow hair on his chest to impress his new girlfriend.
So he went up to George Washington and asked "Hey George how do I get hair on my chest to impress my woman while we make love?"
George Washington said "man, I don't know, you are talking to the wrong man, why don't you talk to one of the other great fathers of this country like John Adams"
So he went to John Adams, and asked, "Hey John how do I get hair on my chest to impress my girlfriend while we make love?
John Adams said "my son you are talking to the wrong person, you need to talk to Abe Lincoln"
So he went to Abe Lincoln. he said "Sir, how do I get hair on my chest to impress my girlfriend while we make love???"
Abe said "that is easy, every night before you make love, go down there and rub your chest all over it, this will help fertilize it!" so with the advice from Abe he did.
About 3 months later, while walking down the street, he saw Abe, he hollered at him and ripped his shirt open exposing a chest full of hair, and said "it works, it works!!!!"
Abe reached up and stroked his beard twice and said, "I KNOW, I KNOW!!!!!!!!!!"

8) 

[T Dog]

There was a blonde driving in the country side when she went around the corner and saw an ocean of wheat fields.
Then she saw a blonde in a row boat frantically paddling.
The blonde driver yelled out, "Hey! It's blondes like you that give blondes like me a bad name and if I knew how to swim, I'd swim out there and kick your ass!"

[T Dog]

1· I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
2· There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
3· Life is sexually transmitted.
4· Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
5· The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
6· Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
7· Have you noticed since everyone has a mobilephone which takes photos these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
8· Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
9· All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
10· In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it Normal .
11· How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
12· Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever Comes out'?
13· If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
14· Why does your Gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
15· If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
16· If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
17· Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
18· Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
19· Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
20· Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?

;D
8) No 15 worries me slightly though

[PowerBug]

What actually is the answer to 19?

[T Dog]

What actually is the answer to 19?

Answer: Most glue doesn't stick to the inside of the bottle because it needs air in order to set. If you leave the cap off of the bottle or as the bottle gets closer to empty so that more air is inside the bottle, the glue will get stickier.
Some types of glue require a chemical other than those found in air. These types of glue won't stick to the bottle even if you leave the cap off.
In some cases, there is a solvent in the glue that helps keep the molecules in the glue from cross-linking (getting sticky). The glue doesn't solidify in the bottle or stick to it because of the solvent. The solvent evaporates in a half-empty bottle of glue, but this is limited by the space in the bottle.
If you've ever left the cap off of a bottle of glue, you know it's capable of sticking just fine once the composition has had a chance to set up! This also occurs when a bottle of glue is close to empty.

:o

[T Dog]

“What do you call a tissue that is sleeping? A napkin.”

[T Dog]

I was walking down the street and saw a sign in a store window that said "Help Wanted," so I ran in the store and yelled out, "What's wrong?!"  The cops wasted their time attending   ::)

[T Dog]

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.
Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"

[T Dog]

A guy was meeting a friend in a bar, and as he walked in he noticed two pretty girls looking at him. He heard one girl say to the other "Nine."
Feeling pleased with himself, he swaggered over to his buddy at the bar and told him that the girl in the corner had just rated him a nine out of ten.
"Sorry to spoil your evening," said his friend, "but when I walked in they were speaking German."

[T Dog]

An old man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a cue ball.
"I got to ask, sir," says the bartender. "What happened?"
The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII.
A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes.
For my first wish, I asked to return to the States.
My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need.
Finally, my third wish was to have sex with the mermaid."
"That doesn't sound too bad," says the bartender. "Then what happened?"

"Well," sighs the man, "mermaids can't have sex, so I asked her if I could just have a little head... ."

:o