Jokes

[T Dog]

Last year a friend of mine upgraded from BoyFriend 1.0 to Husband 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog, leaving very little system resources available for other applications.
She is now noticing that Husband 1.0 is also spawning Child Processors which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed her that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.
Not only that, Husband 1.0 installs itself such, that it is always launched at system initialization, where it can monitor all other system activity. She's finding that some applications such as SpendingSpree 2.4, GirlsNight 3.5 and CocktailNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before).
During installation, Husband 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-ins such as MotherInLaw 5.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.
Some features she'd like to see in the upcoming Husband 2.0 include:
1. A "Yes I'll cook, clean etc." button.
2. An install shield feature that allows Husband 2.0 be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources.
I myself decided to avoid the headache associated with Husband 1.0 by sticking with BoyFriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems.
Apparently you cannot install BoyFriend 2.0 on top of BoyFriend 1.0; each program begins damaging the other. You must uninstall BoyFriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug that I should have known about. You'd think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now! To make matters worse, the uninstall program for BoyFriend 1.0 doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.
Another thing--all versions of BoyFriend 1.0 continually popup little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Husband 1.0.
Bug Warning
Husband 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Lover 1.1 before uninstalling Husband 1.0, Husband 1.0 will delete MS Clothing allowance files, before doing the uninstall himself.
More applications that won't run with Husband 1.0 include Chippendale 2.0, Netballwatching 3.5, Suremoreshoes 6.0, and Cleanup 4.3.
Applications that run very well with Husband 1.0, however, include Bummingaround 1.0, Pubnight 2.3, Golfing 2.7, Pokernight 5.3, and Wanderingeyes 4.9.


8)

[T Dog]

“Where do witches roast their chickens ?   In a coven.”
::)

[T Dog]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Chronologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Some barbie has stolen our tent."

[T Dog]

“I am really getting tired of sleeping jokes!”

[T Dog]

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead show up for the same job interview. The brunette is the first one to go in, and after filling out the forms and going through the questions, the interviewer decides to ask her last question:
"How many D's are there in "INDIANA JONES""? The brunette thinks for a second and responds "One".
The interviewer sends her back with a promise that he'll get back to her after he had interviewed the remaining candidates.
The redhead is next. The process goes about the same, and at the end: "How many D's are there in INDIANA JONES"? She immediately says "One". The interviewer says, "OK, we'll let you know".
Then the blonde comes into the room, goes through the questions, and finally gets asked: "How many D's are there in INDIANA JONES". She gets a very serious look on her face and starts counting her fingers, muttering: "2, 4, 6 ...., hmmm - wait,... 2, 4, 6 .... can I borrow your calculator please?"
After going through 15 minutes of intense calculating, she finally comes up with the answer: "Thirty two"
The interviewer is stunned and asks her: "Ok, now tell me, how the hell did you arrive at this answer?"
She starts singing "Da Da Dah Dahhh Dah Dah Da Da Dah Dahh Dah Dah ..."
(The theme song for Indiana Jones)

:o

[T Dog]

Useless Inventions

Non stick Cellotape
Solar Powered Flash Light
A black highlighter pen
Glow in the dark sunglasses
Inflatable Anchor
Smooth Sandpaper
Waterproof sponge
Waterproof Teabags
AC adapter for Solar powered calculators
Fireproof Matches
Fireproof Cigarettes
Battery powered Battery Charger
Seatbelts for Motorbikes
Hand powered Chainsaw
Inflatable Dartboard
Silent Alarm Clock
A Pedal powered wheelchair
Braille Drivers Manual
Double sided playing cards
Ejector seats for Helicopters

[nrich102]

Useless Inventions

Non stick Cellotape
Solar Powered Flash Light
A black highlighter pen
Glow in the dark sunglasses
Inflatable Anchor
Smooth Sandpaper
Waterproof sponge
Waterproof Teabags
AC adapter for Solar powered calculators
Fireproof Matches
Fireproof Cigarettes
Battery powered Battery Charger
Seatbelts for Motorbikes
Hand powered Chainsaw
Inflatable Dartboard
Silent Alarm Clock
A Pedal powered wheelchair
Braille Drivers Manual
Double sided playing cards
Ejector seats for Helicopters

Screen doors on submarines ;D

[Pkbaldy]

Glow in the dark sunglasses

These actually exist, usually worn with a swagfag hat (inside mind you... Because it's so windy and sunny inside) by pilled out clubbing knob jockeys

[T Dog]

My typing is still causing issues. I was just away on an overnight business trip and sent an text to Mrs Dawg "I wish you were here."
The message received by my wife was "I wish you were her."
Must learn to type better.  >:(

[T Dog]

What would you get if you crossed a donkey with an owl? A smart ass which knows it all.

[T Dog]

Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin. The doctor said, "Well, you need three things from a do it yourself shop. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint, and a shovel." Paddy asked, "And what do I do with these, doc?" The doctor replied, "Before the wedding night, you paint one of your testicles red and the other one blue. That night if she says, 'That’s the strangest pair of balls I ever saw,' you hit her with the shovel."

[Holz]

Useless Inventions
Ejector seats for Helicopters

highly useful,

charges blow of the top of the helicopter and the blades so that the pilot can be ejected.

[Barra13]

One of my all time favourites.

A bra, a battery and a set of jumper leads walk into a bar.
The battery and the jumper leads take a seat whilst the bra goes up to the bar.
The bra says to the barman "Afternoon pal, three pints of Stella please"
"Sorry mate" says the barman "I can't serve you".
"Why not?" the bra says.
"Coz you're off your tits and your mates look like they're going to start something".

[Barra13]

A few typical dad jokes.

Q: Whats brown and sticky?
A: A stick

Q: What's big, yellow and can't swim?
A: A bulldozer

Q: What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A: A carrot

Q: What do you call bears with no ears?
A: B

[T Dog]

The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.
She said, "What are your golf clubs doing here?"
He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it