Jokes

[nrich102]

What do you call a letter from a crazy feminist?

Hate mail

[T Dog]

“I just looked up the word 'apocalypse' in the dictionary. It was quite a revelation.”

[nas]

Viagra have just released a new pill called 007..it doesn't make you James Bond, but it does make you Roger Moore

[T Dog]

One day the norse god Thor was looking down upon the earth and was watching couples making out in a park.
He decided that this looked like fun, so with a clap of thunder, Thor was walking around the park as a human man.
He came upon a young beautiful girl sitting alone and asked if he could join her.
The girl replied "For THURE" and Thor gathered that the girl had a lisp but figured as good as she looked, what the heck, so he sits down and soon they were making out like the other couples.
As her passions grew, she finally said, "wait a minute, wait a minute, lets go back to my plath!" so the left and went into her apartment and let nature take its course.
After about 18 hours of nonstop sex, she says "hold up, i gotha go pith!" and she gets up to go use the bathroom.
While she's gone Thor lies thinking to himself, "surely by now she realizes that I'm no mere mortal man, I should tell her who I am".
So when she re-enters the room, Thor is standing on the end of the bed, pounding his chest and declares "I'm THOR!" the exhausted girl looks at him and yells "You're Thor, I'm tho thore that i cant even pith!!!

[T Dog]

“I'm great friends with my fist, although he can be quite a knuckle head.”

[T Dog]

Q: Did you hear about the short sighted rabbi?
A: He got the sack.

[Bill Manspeaker]

Q: Did you hear about the short sighted rabbi?
A: He got the sack.

HA  ;D

[T Dog]

Business One-liners  8)

When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
When your opponent is down, kick him.
Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.
Where you stand depends on where you sit.
While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office automation?
Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are horses? - G. Gordon Liddy
Why worry about tomorrow? We may not make it through today.
Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything.
You're not drunk if you can lay on the floor without holding on.

[T Dog]

I dig,
you dig,
We dig,
he dig,
they dig….



It is not a a beautiful poem but it’s very deep. ::)

[T Dog]

“I really like the music by The Cars, you auto listen to it.”

[T Dog]

You might be a redneck if...

Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over t' the dark side.. .it'll be a hoot."
You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the bar-b-q grill to light.
The moonshine still you built on Endor is hidden so well even the Ewoks can't find it.
You have a stuffed womp rat anywhere in your home.
You think the symbol for the Rebel Alliance should be the Confederate flag.
More than half the droids you own don't function.
The number of blasters you own exceeds your I.Q.
You wonder why Luke and Leia gave up on getting married.
You used a carbon-freezing chamber to mount the Wampa you shot while on vacation on Hoth.
Your moonshine is made on a real moon.
You don't like wearing a Jedi robe because it prevents access to the dip stored in your back pocket.
Sandpeople back down from your mama.
You've ever used Jedi mind control to talk your way out of a speeding ticket or .05 charge .
You've ever strangled someone with the force because they laughed at your accent.

:o

[T Dog]

A wife reports:
My Husband, not happy with my mood swings so he bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big flowering red mark on his forehead.

[T Dog]

A man goes out golfing.

He is on the second hole when He notices a frog sitting next to The green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to Prove the frog wrong, puts the club Away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with Him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the man asks.
"Ribbit 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed The best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas ."
" They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I Should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.
Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across The table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me."
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.
With a kiss, the frog turns into a Gorgeous girl.
"And that is how the girl ended up in my room Elin. So help me God or my name is not Tiger Woods."

[T Dog]

 I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg.
I said, "I bet I know what your favorite Christian festival is "
He said, "You have to love Easter, baby.”

8) 

[T Dog]

A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. My husband just walked in the door."