Jokes

[T Dog]

Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of the truck in front of him.
Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving.
Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road.
The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box.
It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.
"I'm sorry, Sir," the first policeman told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."
Amazed, the driver demanded to know the reason.
The policeman replied . . . "Tacks evasion."

[T Dog]

Cocaine is nature's way of telling you you have too much money

:o Too Soon?

[T Dog]

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, its just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water".

[Atto]

I know of a joke:

TDog

[PowerBug]

I know of a joke:

TDog

Watch out, the next joke is gonna have you in it now! ;D

[T Dog]

I know of a joke:

TDog

Watch out, the next joke is gonna have you in it now! ;D

That is just so right PB  ;D

When the surgeon came to see Atto on the day after his operation, Atto asked him somewhat hesitantly just how long it would be before he could resume his sex life.

"Uh, I hadn't really thought about it" replied the stunned surgeon.

"You're the first one ever to ask that after a nose job...."

::)

[Atto]

I know of a joke:

TDog

Watch out, the next joke is gonna have you in it now! ;D

That is just so right PB  ;D

When the surgeon came to see Atto on the day after his operation, Atto asked him somewhat hesitantly just how long it would be before he could resume his sex life.

"Uh, I hadn't really thought about it" replied the stunned surgeon.

"You're the first one ever to ask that after a nose job...."

::)

Wow. I'm utterly lost for words. To be fair I probably deserved that too haha

[T Dog]

You know your doctor is too old when you look at the framed diploma on his wall and realize his Hippocratic oath was signed by Hippocrates!

[meow meow]

Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because I put the wrong pair of socks on this morning.

[T Dog]

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" he asked.

"Oh, Bill, you didn't," she said.

"Yes, I did," he told her.

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" she asked.

"Oh... she got fired too."

[GoLions]

Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because I put the wrong pair of socks on this morning.

Heh, nice

[T Dog]

A hillbilly woman went to the doctor and was told to go home and come back in a couple of days with a specimen.
When she got home she asks her husband, "What is a specimen?"
He replies, "Damned if I know. Go next door and ask Edith. She's a nurse."
The woman goes next door and comes back ten minutes later with her clothes torn to shreds. She is cut and bruised all over.
"What in tarnation happened?" asked her husband.
"Damn if I know," she replies. "I asked Edith what a specimen was and she told me to go piss in a bottle. So I told her to go s*** in her hat, and then all hell broke loose."

[T Dog]

A traveling salesman goes to a farm house. The farmer goes, I could put you up for one night, but youll have to stay in the barn. So he spends the night there and the next morning the farmer comes in, he goes, Were you comfortable? He goes, I had a great time; I talked to all the animals. He goes, You talked to the animals? He goes, Yeah I spoke to the chickens, they say you collect the eggs every morning exactly at five minutes after six. He goes, Thats exactly right. He says, The horse tells me his name is Otis, youve owned him for 10 years. He goes, Thats incredible. And he goes, I spoke to the cow, the cow says that her name is Elsie and you milk her every morning at exactly 8:30. And then I spoke to the sheep. And the farmer goes, Those sheep are lying.

[T Dog]

The FAA has a device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. They point this thing at the windshield of the aircraft and shoot a dead chicken at about the speed the aircraft normally flies at it. If the windshield doesn't break, it's likely to survive a real collision with a bird during flight.
The British had recently built a new locomotive that could pull a train faster than any before it. They were not sure that its windshield was strong enough so they borrowed the testing device from the FAA, reset it to approximate the maximum speed of the locomotive, loaded in the dead chicken, and fired. The bird went through the windshield, broke the engineer's chair, and made a major dent in the back wall of the engine cab.
They were quite surprised with this result, so they asked the FAA to check the test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA checked everything and suggested that they might want to repeat the test using a thawed chicken.

[T Dog]

Q: What do you call a woman that sets her bills on fire?










A: Bernadette.  8)