Jokes

[T Dog]

A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy.”

“Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.”

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bullshower might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

[T Dog]

I used to be a fisherman, but I got caught playing hooky.

Then I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

I tried working at Starbucks, but I got tired of the daily grind.

Then I got arrested at the chewing gum factory for unlicensed ex-spearmints.

::)

[T Dog]

An American tourist in London was desperate to take a leak. After a long search he couldn't find any public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went down one of the side streets to take care of business. Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up.

"Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked.

"I'm sorry," the American replied, "but I really gotta take a leak."

"You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me."

The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the policeman, "whiz away."

The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started pissing on the flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning toward the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this British courtesy?"

"No," replied the policeman. "It's the French Embassy."

[T Dog]

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor   8)

[T Dog]

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks, "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls, "And get me another whisky you dog". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach, "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick your ass".

Next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly you're a lippy barbie!"

[T Dog]

Mrs Dog rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”

[Ringo]

Mrs Dog rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”

and that is why the doctor now uses a walking stick.  ;D ;D

[T Dog]

It was mealtime on a small airline and the flight attendant asked me if I would like dinner.

"What are my choices?" I asked.

"Yes or No," she replied.

>:(

[T Dog]

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window. "Good lord!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"

Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.

The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seatsand began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member attatched the package to their backs.

"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?"

The pilot said they were.

The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"

"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."

[T Dog]

Why do people who throw away feather pillows get depressed?

Their down is in the dumps.  :(

[T Dog]

Its a long story   8)

One day an extremely well-dressed and successful lawyer was driving to a meeting when he found that the front left tire on his Porsche was flat.

"What am I going to do?" he thought. But then he saw a gas station up ahead. It was a rundown shack with a grizzled man in overalls sitting on a porch with pools of oil, but at least it was a gas station; in the window was a large sign saying 'help wanted'. The executive drove up and got out of the car and explained the situation.

"Why sure!" said the mechanic "I'm lookin' for a boy to work for me and help me out, so we're kinda short-handed".

He looked over the dapper, dignified and impeccably dressed lawyer’s very expensive navy blue pinstriped business suit, his imported silk tie and gleaming cuff links and white shirt, his polished black shoes, his hundred dollar haircut and his $1500 briefcase.

'My name is Bud! You must be one of them lawyer!" said the mechanic. "I can tell by your classy kicks!"

"My WHAT?" snapped the exec.

"Your KICKS! Your SHOES! Mighty classy, sir! But they look like they’re a little too tight! That’s what’s makin’ you so bad tempered!" grinned the mechanic.

"Yes. Well, the FIRST thing people notice are your shoes!" said the lawyer in a condescending tone, as he straightened his tie and checked the shine on his shoes. "And they are NOT too tight! I’m NOT bad-tempered! I am just in a hurry â€" something you wouldn’t understand. My name is Mr. James Porter. I am making an important court appearance today! My whole career depends on it. Now please get to work! What are you doing?!"

Bud was pulling out a huge pail of water. "You get a free car wash today, Jimmy! I sure wish I had a boy to work for me - I gotta do this all myself! Do YOU know somebody to work her for me? I’ve been lookin’ fer a long time! Whoever gets the job lives right here in his own shack!"

"Of course not. Do I LOOK like someone who would know a GREASE MONKEY? And my name is MISTER PORTER. Not Jimmy! And I don't have time for a car wash!" cried Mr. Porter.

"Of course, Mister Porter. I should have KNOWN! A big hotshot lawyer like you wouldn’t know any grease monkeys! Now, don't worry! You upper class folks are always worryin'!" And at that moment, Bud's foot hit the pail of water, and it toppled over, completely soaking Mr. Porter's expensively shod feet.

"NOW LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE!!" yelled Mr. Porter. "My feet are DRENCHED through! SOAKED! Do you know how much these shoes cost! Someone like YOU doesn't have to worry about this!"

"Oh, sir! Please accept my apology, SIR! All over your fancy high class kicks! Well, it's a fine day, just take off yer shoes and socks and let 'em dry! They look they're too tight, anyway! That's why you're so bad tempered. Tight shoes will do it every time. Nobody is gonna see ya, sir!"

"Take off my shoes and socks! They're NOT too tight! They were handmade for me. I suppose I have no choice! I'm just glad that my colleagues can't see this!" said Mr. Porter, as he sat on the porch and slowly, grudgingly slid his feet out of his highly polished black Ferragamo shoes and then peeled off his silk business socks. Bud picked up the shoes and whistled with admiration.

"Mighty fancy!" he said, with a grin. "EYETALIAN! FERRY-GAMO! Too bad they're so tight! And them socks sure are fancy, too! Real classy! No harm done! Ya know, you look like you belong here now that yer barefoot!"

"Put my shoes down immediately! How dare you put your filthy hands on them! I will NEVER look like I BELONG here! I feel ridiculous..." said Mr. Porter coldly.

Mr. Porter carefully arranged his suit and tie as if to make up for the indignity of going barefoot.

"Lemme show ya somethin', Mister Porter" said Bud, who got into the car and drove it forward and ran over Mr. Porter's briefcase, ruining it.

"MY BRIEFCASE!" yelled the lawyer.

"Sorry, sir! But I have to tell ya something!" said Bud, who was bending over the engine.

"I didn't ask you to look at the engine" shouted Mr. Porter. "You destroyed my briefcase!! All my papers..."

"But you got a problem!" said Bud. "Look! Get closer!"

Mr. Porter leaned over the engine. "I don't see anything?"

"Closer!" said Bud.

"I still don't?" and Mr. Porter began to lift his head, and felt himself stuck.

"My tie!" he yelled. "My necktie and my suspenders! They're caught in the engine!"

"Look what ya done, sir! I'll get ya free!"

"I DIDN'T DO THIS!" yelled Mr. Porter, but he couldn't move at all. His tie and his suspenders had gotten tied up in the engine. Somehow.

"Now just hold still!? said Bud, and in a moment, Mr. Porter was free, and his tie and suspenders were in Bud's hands.

"ARE YOU INSANE?!" yelled Mr. Porter. "You took those off me. Why?! Give me those."

"Mr. Porter" said Bud, ignoring the comment. "I'm gonna need yer help in getting that tire out of the back, and then you gotta help me get the new one - it's underneath an old engine. I can't lift 'em, ya see. I got lumbago. It's too bad I ain't got a boy to work for me!"

"What?!" said Mr. Porter. "You expect ME to do it? Look at this suit! This is a two thousand dollar suit! It was tailored for me. I can't get it dirty, and this is a silk tie! And a hundred dollar shirt! I'm a LAWYER! An attorney! I don't do menial work."

"I'm sorry, sir," said Bud. "There's no other way! I know! Why don't ya take off yer nice suit and that shirt and the cufflinks? Ya better take off yer fancy wristwatch too! Ya don’t want to get ‘em dirty, do you? I got a fine pair of OVERALLS for ya!"

"This is an outrage!" cried Mr. Porter. "I will NOT take off my business suit! I have my dignity and my pride!"

"Then you'll have yer dignity and yer pride but you won't get a new tire" said Bud.

Mr. Porter stomped and fumed but finally gave in and angrily stripped off his pinstriped business suit, his cufflinks and his starched white shirt and placed them on a wooden table. He even took off his Rolex. Then he put on the greasy overalls and pulled the tire out of the trunk.

But just then his bare feet hit a patch of oil, and he staggered backwards and fell; the filthy tire fell on top of him. He felt his head hit something soft. Bud ran over and said: "Mr. Porter, it's a good thing your head hit the tar! It broke yer fall!"


The lawyer pushed the tire off, and felt the grease, gravel and tar all over his t-shirt and his face. He lifted what had been a manicured hand to his head and felt a mass of something gooey.

"My hair!" Mr. Porter yelled, as he stood.

"I gotta cut that tar out, sir! It ain't gonna come out any other way!" and he pulled out some scissors and with a few quick snips, the executive's thick head of hair was replaced by a patchy crewcut.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?" yelled Mr. Porter. "MY HAIR!"

"Here, this will calm ya down, Jimmy boy!" Bud shoved a bottle of whiskey into Mr. Porter's hand and poured some of it on his shirt.

"NO!" yelled the lawyer. "LOOK AT ME, YOU MORON! AND CALL ME MISTER PORTER!!"

"Leave me alone! Help, police!" screamed Bud. He grabbed Mr. Porter's cell phone and called the police and then called the newspaper.

“What are you DOING?” shouted the lawyer.

In a moment the police were there.

Bud whimpered: "This man is drunk! Just smell him, officer! And tried to beat me up! and rob the till! He even tried to KILL me!"

"I DID NOT!" shouted Mr. Porter.

"Assault, robbery, disorderly conduct, resisting arrest, drunkenness, attempted murder...you're coming with me!"

And the policeman dragged the struggling Mr. Porter, barefoot in overalls off to jail.

The next day the judge prepared to sentence Mr. Porter to twenty years behind bars while they all looked at the newspaper with the headline: Drunk Lawyer Holds Up Garage! Thief Jailed for Assault, Attempted Murder and Robbery. Then they saw the same story on the internet. It was everywhere! James had been fired from his job and his own law firm refused to see him. His former friends were shocked at his behavior. His family was furious.

But Bud said; "Your honor, don't put this man behind bars! He ATTACKED me, but, I'll allow him to make it up to me - I got an idea!”

"What do you mean?" yelled Mr. Porter. "I....I am a LAWYER! I am INNOCENT! What do you mean an idea?!""

A month later, a customer drove up to Bud's and Bud called his new assistant to wait on him. A man in overalls and work boots and a crew cut came out, covered with grime, and started to work on the car.

"JIMMY BOY! Don't forget the oil! You ex-cons are always slow!" yelled Bud.

"YES, SIR!" said Jimmy-boy Porter.

A “help wanted” sign lay in the garbage.

In the window was an Italian pinstriped business suit, a silk tie, a white shirt, a pair of braces and a pair of cuff links with the initials JP with a "for sale" sign.

"Don't forget what I told ya!" snapped Bud. "Did you polish 'em up?"

"Yes, but, please..." said Jimmy-boy.

"You don't need 'em anymore! I'm your boss...NOW MOVE IT! Remember how much I got when I sold your wristwatch?" yelled Bud.

“You sold it for only $50!” cried Jimmy-boy. “And you kept the money!”

“Of course I did! And I got a good deal when I made you sell your fancy sports car!” snapped Bud.

“My Porsche! You made me sell it for only a thousand dollars for scrap!” yelled Jimmy-boy.

"Well, it wasn’t your car anymore, was it? I got you a job and a shack to live in! You’d be coolin’ yer heels in jail if it wasn’t for me!” said Bud.

“But I’m innocent! You KNOW that!” said Jimmy boy.

“Now don’t go on like that! Or you’ll be back behind bars! And it’s only right for me to keep the car and the watch and all those fine clothes you were wearin’! And remember â€" you ain’t some high and mighty lawyer anymore! You gotta talk like ME! And call me SIR!" shouted Bud.

"Yes, sir..." Jimmy-boy sighed and went up to the customer.

"Sir, my name is Mister James Por...I mean Jimmy boy. We got a special today - with an oil change, you can buy these real cheap."

He held up a pair of very expensive polished gentleman's business shoes.

"These are for sale. One pair of Ferragamo shoes - once worn by a former lawyer who - who doesn't need ‘em anymore â€" he used to be a lawyer…now he’s a ….grease monkey…best offer, silk socks included."

Bud said: "Go on!"

Jimmy boy sighed and said: "After all, the first thing people notice are your shoes. Real classy kicks..."

[T Dog]

Two brooms are getting married.
Before the ceremony, the bride broom says to the groom broom, "I think I'm going to have a whisk."
The groom broom says, "How can that be? We haven't even swept together!"


Ted and Julie go to bed with each other for the first time.
Julie: "I should warn you, Ted: I've got acute angina."
Ted: "Your breasts aren't bad either."

[T Dog]

The 75-year-old groom, with the young wife, caused a lot of attention as he checked into the resort hotel.

The following morning, the old boy came strutting into the dining room, lookin' great with a big smile on his face. He proceeded to order an enormous breakfast.

He laughed and joked and was in obvious good spirits, whereas his young wife, who came into the room a half hour later, looked worn out. She ordered coffee in a voice so weak the waiter had to ask her to repeat the order.

The old man finished his breakfast, excused himself and left for their room. This gave the waitress a chance to ask the bride, "Honey, I can't figure it out. The old geezer, your husband, looks like a million and you look like two cents. What's wrong?"

"That guy double-crossed me," the bride said. "He told me he'd saved up for fifty years! And all the time I thought he was talking about money!"

[T Dog]

One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.

"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.

"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"

"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60."

"That's still too expensive," the man says.

"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to $20."

"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."

"Well," says the dentist, scratching his head, "if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $10."

"Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"

[T Dog]

A Jamaican man bought a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, announcing that his wife had just given birth to "a typical Jamaican baby boy weighing 20 pounds."

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "Wow!" were heard. A woman fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returned to the bar. The bartender said, "Say, you're the father of the Jamaican baby who weighed 20 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answered, "Fifteen pounds."

The bartender was puzzled. "Why? What happened? He weighed 20 pounds at birth?"

The Jamaican father took a slow sip from his Red Stripe beer, wiped his lips on his shirtsleeve, leaned into the bartender and said, "Had him circumcised."
::)