Jokes

[T Dog]

I'm not saying I've got too much time on my hands, but yesterday afternoon I spent three hours sitting in front of my fish tank in a shark mask.

[T Dog]

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer â€" you’re assigned to hell.”
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of accommodations and starts designing and building improvements.
After a while, they have got air conditioning and flush toilets, escalators, elevators and so on .. and â€" the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan on the telephone.
“So, how’s it going down there in hell?” God says.
“Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. There’s no telling what our engineer is going to come up with next!” Satan says.
“What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake â€" he should have never gotten down there; send him back immediately!” God says.
“No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him!” Satan says.
“Send him back up here or I’ll sue!” God says.
Satan laughs uproariously and answers:
“Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”
::)

[T Dog]

Of all the famous men who ever lived, the one I would most like to have been was Socrates. Not just because he was a great thinker, because I have been known to have some reasonably profound insights myself, although mine invariably revolve around a Swedish airline stewardess and some handcuffs.

[T Dog]

What did the bra say to the cap?

"I've got these two covered, you go on ahead."

8)

[T Dog]

What would you get if you crossed a donkey with an owl?

A smart ass which knows it all.

[T Dog]

The science teacher stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?"

Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Mercedes."

The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Susie.

Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche."

The teacher smiled, and then she called on Little Johnny.

Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicone."

The teacher said, "Silicone? Why silicone, Little Johnny?"

"Because my mom has two bags of the stuff and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!"....... ;D

[T Dog]

I used to be a railways conductor, but my boss found out I wasn't trained.

[T Dog]

The bank robbers arrived just before closing and promptly ordered the few remaining depositors, the tellers, clerks, and guards to disrobe and lie face down on the floor, behind the counter.

One nervous blonde pulled off all her clothes and lay down on the floor facing upwards.

"Turn over, Cindy," whispered the girl lying beside her. "This is a stick-up,... not an office party!"

[T Dog]

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

[T Dog]

If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?” I
asked the children in my Sunday school class.

“NO!” the children all answered.

“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into heaven?”

Once more they all answered, “NO!”

“Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children and loved my wife, would that get me into heaven?” I
asked them again.

Once more they all answered, “NO!”

“Well,” I continued, thinking they were a good bit more theologically sophisticated than I had given them credit for,
“Then how can I get into heaven?”

A five-year-old boy shouted out, “YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!”

[Ringo]

One for mothers day.

When exactly is Mothers Day?

9 months after Fathers Day.  ;)

Happy Mothers day to all mothers

[BratPack]

Here's a joke for you.

The Carlton Football Club  :P

[FactHunt]

Here's a joke for you.

The Carlton Football Club  :P

That joke is not funny. Just disappointing.

[BratPack]

Here's a joke for you.

The Carlton Football Club  :P

That joke is not funny. Just disappointing.

Depends who you barrack for. Being an Essendon supporter and having had run ins with the Carlton cheer squad I think it's flowering hilarious  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

[FactHunt]

Here's a joke for you.

The Carlton Football Club  :P

That joke is not funny. Just disappointing.

Depends who you barrack for. Being an Essendon supporter and having had run ins with the Carlton cheer squad I think it's flowering hilarious  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

;D ;D
Just highlighting that they are disappointing. (I actually think it's quite funny)