Jokes

[T Dog]

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.

The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."

The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?"

"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole."

[T Dog]

What's Irish and sits in the sun?

Paddy O'Furniture.

[T Dog]

esus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge.

They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up the screen.

Seconds before the end, a bolt of lightning struck taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with.

Satan is visibly upset, and cries, “I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out.”

“Very well, then,” says God, “let us see if Jesus fared any better.”

Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.

Satan is astonished. He stutters, “But how?! I lost everything, yet
Jesus’ program is intact! How did he do it?!”

God chuckles, “Jesus saves.”

[T Dog]

Reading while sunbathing makes you, well, red.

[T Dog]

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information for block number 3 of the accident reporting form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust the following detail will be sufficient.

I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80 foot tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now un-needed tools and material down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and material into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow decent of the 300 pounds of tools. You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form, that I weigh only 155 pounds.

Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed approximately 20 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower.

In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools, in pain, unable to stand and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me... I again lost my presence of mind. I let go of the rope.
::)

[T Dog]

What do you call a rabbit with fleas?

Bugs Bunny.

8)

[T Dog]

What do you call a skeleton in a mini skirt and sports bra?


Dead sexy.  :o

[T Dog]

I had a photographic memory but it never developed.

[T Dog]

Woman: "Is there a problem officer?"
Officer: "Ma'am you were speeding."

Woman: "Oh, I see."
Officer: "Can I see your license please?"

Woman: "I'd give it to you, but I don't have one."
Officer: "Don't have one?"

Woman: "Lost it 4 times for drinking."
Officer: "I see, can I have your vehicle registration papers please?"

Woman: "I can't do that."
Officer: "why not?"

Woman: "I Stole this car and hacked up the owner."
Officer: "You what?"

Woman: "His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see."

The officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away from his car,and calls for back-up. within 5 minutes five police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

Senior Officer: "Ma'am could you step out of your vehicle please!"
woman: "Is there a problem officer?"

Senior Officer: "one of my men told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: "Murdered the owner!"

Senior Officer: "yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please.

The woman opens the trunk revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Senior Officer: "Is this your car ma'am"?
Woman: "Yes, here are my registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Senior Officer: "One of my men claims that you do not have a driver's license.

The woman digs into her bookbag and draws out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer looks quite puzzled as he glances at the license.

Senior Officer: "I'm sorry ma'am. One of my men claims that you didn't have a license, stole this car and murdered the owner."

Woman: "Betcha the lyin' barbie told you I was speeding too!"

[Bill Manspeaker]

oh that's brilliant. hahaha. so crazy it might work

[T Dog]

oh that's brilliant. hahaha. so crazy it might work

Give it a go Big Billy...let us know if it works   ;D

[T Dog]

 What's the difference between a proctologist and a bartender?

The proctologist only handles one a**hole at a time.

[T Dog]

What do you call a fat psychic?

A four chin teller.

[T Dog]

Mrs. Dog was bursting with pride.

"Did you hear about my husband T ?" she asked her hairdresser.

"No. What's with your T Dog?"

"He's going to a psychiatrist. Twice each week he's going to a psychiatrist."

"Is that good?"

"Of course, it's good. Two Hundred dollars an hour he pays, Two Hundred dollars! And all he talks about is me."

8)

[T Dog]

What type of music appeals to most cheeses??

R n Brie!

8)