Jokes

[T Dog]

Apparently my sister is into bestiality. Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle.

:o

[T Dog]

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results.

"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says.

"You're dying, and you don't have much time left."

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"

"Ten," the doctor says sadly.

"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"

"Nine!"

:o

[T Dog]

Have you got bills to pay? If you do, please give it back. He looks silly bald.

think about it  ;D

[T Dog]

Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up. He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it's a law of nature of the universe that buttered toast always falls butter-side-down, so he rushes round to the presbytery to fetch Father Flanagan.

He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen, but he won't say what it is, so he asks Fr. Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes. He leads Fr. Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.

"Well," says the priest, "it's pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some buttered toast on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top."

"No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!" exclaimed Murphy.

"Oh my Lord," says Father Flanagan, "dropped toast never falls with the butter side up. It's a miracle... No... Wait... It's not for me to say it's a miracle. I'll have to report this matter to the Bishop and he'll have to deal with it. He'll send some people round; to interview you, take photographs, and so on..."

A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the archdiocese but by scientists sent over from the Curia in Rome. No expense is spared. There is great excitement in the town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much need tourism revenue.

Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.

"It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy's kitchen, quite outside the natural laws of the universe. Something has definitely happened which cannot be explained by Earthly means. Yet the Holy See must be very cautious before ruling a miracle and all other explanations must be ruled out. And so, unfortunately for that very reason, in this case, it has been declared 'No Miracle' because they think that Murphy may have simply buttered the toast on the wrong side!"

[T Dog]

Did you hear about the movie “Constipation”? … It never came out…

[T Dog]

“Your honor,” a defense attorney began, “I have a series of witnesses that can testify that Mr. Johnson was nowhere near the scene of the crime when it occurred.”
The judge looked at the defense table and said, “This is the third time you’ve been in this court room this week, and I’m getting sick of hearing your lies.”
The defendant stood up with a confused expression and said, “Your honor, you must be mistaken. I’ve never been here in my life.”
Waving his finger, the judge replied, “I was referring to your lawyer.”

;D

[T Dog]

What Your Profession Says?

1. MARKETING - You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

2. SALES - Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree." You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

3. TECHNOLOGY - Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.

4. ENGINEERING - One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest "ergo dynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel syndrome."

5. ACCOUNTING - The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.

6. HUMAN RESOURCES - Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter.

7. MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT - Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in you social circle is a "Middle Manager."

8. SENIOR MANAGEMENT - (See above - Same sign, different title)

9. CUSTOMER SERVICE - Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.

10. CONSULTANT - Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your "skills" are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.

11. RECRUITER, "HEADHUNTER" - As a "person" that profits from the success of others, you are disdained by most people who actually work for a living. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market.

12. PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO - You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggest the latter.

13. GOVERNMENT WORKER - Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the invention of new Holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job...  8)

[T Dog]

Why are meteorologists always nervous? Their future is always up in the air.

[My Chumps]

Why are meteorologists always nervous? Their future is always up in the air.

Tee-rrific

[T Dog]

Casual Fridays

Week 1 - Memo No. 1

Effective this week, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day. Employees are free to dress in the casual attire of their choice.

Week 3 - Memo No. 2

Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.

Week 6 - Memo No. 3

Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.

Week 8 - Memo No. 4

A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. A fashion show will follow. Attendance is mandatory.

Week 9 - Memo No. 5

As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper casual-day dress.

Week 14 - Memo No. 6

The Casual Day Task Force has now completed a 30-page manual entitled "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards." A copy has been distributed to every employee. Please review the chapter "You Are What You Wear" and consult the "home casual" versus "business casual" checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.

Week 18 - Memo No. 7

Our Employee Assistant Plan (EAP) has now been expanded to provide support for psychological counseling for employees who may be having difficulty adjusting to Casual Day.

Week 20 - Memo No. 8

Due to budget cuts in the HR Department we are no longer able to effectively support or manage Casual Day. Casual Day will be discontinued, effective immediately.

8)

[Ringo]

Luv it Tdog so close to the bone these days.

[T Dog]

I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried it for a spell.

[T Dog]

There was once a man named Odd. People made fun of him because of his name so he decided to keep his gravestone blank when he died.
Now when people pass by the burial site, they point and say, "That's odd."

[T Dog]

I just got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool. The lifeguard yelled at me so loud, I nearly fell in.  :o

[upthemaidens]

  Australian Computer Terminology.  Getting ready for Broadband in the bush !!


LOGON : Adding wood to make the barbie hotter

LOG OFF : Not adding any more wood to the barbie.

MONITOR : Keeping an eye on the barbie.

DOWNLOAD : Getting the firewood off the ute.

HARD DRIVE : Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.

KEYBOARD : Where you hang the ute keys.

WINDOWS : What you shut when the weather's cold.

SCREEN : What you shut in the mozzie season.

BYTE : What mozzies do.

MEGABYTE : What Townsville mozzies do.

CHIP : A pub snack.

MICROCHIP : What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.

MODEM : What you did to the lawns.

LAPTOP : Where the cat sleeps.

SOFTWARE : Plastic knives and forks you get at Red Rooster.

HARDWARE : Stainless steel knives and forks - from K-Mart.

MOUSE : The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.

MAINFRAME : What holds the shed up.

WEB : What spiders make.

WEBSITE : Usually in the shed or under the verandah.

SEARCH ENGINE : What you do when the ute won't go.

CURSOR : What you say when the ute won't go.

YAHOO : What you say when the ute does go.

UPGRADE : A steep hill.

SERVER : The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.

MAIL SERVER : The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.

USER : The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.

NETWORK : What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.

INTERNET : Where you want the fish to go.

NETSCAPE : What the fish do when they discover a hole in the net.

ONLINE : Where you hang the washing.

OFFLINE : Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough.