Jokes

[T Dog]

A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth.

The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.

The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes.

The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.

The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.

The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up...

[T Dog]

The best way to get something done is to begin procrastinate". And who would know that better than us procrastinators, right? We do everything possible in the book to delay a task and then... panic. These are the tell-tale signs of an A-level procrastinator:

1. You reassure yourself by saying that the task is easy or that you have enough time in hand
And so you end up watching your favourite TV show or movie.
2. You always try to sweet talk other people into doing your work
Money, food, whatever that can make them do your work.
3. You come up with the most believably ridiculous excuses to delay the work
4. You always prepare a list of things to be done, right down to the exact timings
And you get the satisfaction of finishing the work just by finishing the list
Its another thing that you never see or follow the list again after making it.
5. You prioritize and mark tasks according to their order of importance
Just so that you can pass some more time before you actually have to start working.
6. You blame it on the monotony of the task that its taking you so long
7. You wait until the last minute to start your work
8. You constantly think about the deadline and...
...in your head you keep wishing it was few days away.
9. Finally when the deadline is around the corner, you tell yourself to keep calm
Like thats going to help now.
10. You keep checking the time and divide your work into segments with deadlines of their own
You "believe" everything is going according to your plan.
11. You often go into a dreamland where the work in hand is done and you are being rewarded for it
12. You snap at people when they remind you that you are procrastinating
Because you know how hard you have been working. (in your mind)
13. When you finally realize you wont be able to finish the work in time, you get into denial mode
"Not my fault", "I still have ample time left" etc etc.
14. With the deadline finally approaching, you haphazardly just finish the task at hand
You mentally promise yourself never to procrastinate again.
15. Finally, you are just happy coz you put the "pro" in procrastinator

Like every master procrastinator you are cool that way!

[T Dog]

10 Fun Facts


1- You can't wash your eyes with soap.
2- You can't count your hairs.
3- You can't breathe through your nose, with your tongue out.
4- You just tried No.3.
6- When you did No.3 you realized it's possible only you look like a dog.
7- You're smiling right now because you're fooled.
8- You skipped No. 5.
9- You just checked to see if there's No. 5
10- Share this with your friends to have some fun too. :)

[nrich102]

How many dead children does it take to change a lightbulb?

Well it's not 5 cause my basements still dark :P

[T Dog]

I mowed the lawn today, and after I'd finished I sat down with a cold beer. It was a beautiful day and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

The wife walked by and asked me what I was doing? and I said. "Nothing".

The reason I said that, instead of saying 'just thinking darling' was because then she would have asked "About what?"

At that point I would have had to explain to her that men are deep thinkers, which would have led to more questions.

Then I thought about the age-old question of whether giving birth is more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Well, after another beer, and some more thinking, I think I may have come up with the answer.

Getting kicked in the nuts is much more painful than having a baby; and my reasoning is:
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child, but you will never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case. Time for another beer......

[Bill Manspeaker]

hahaha that's my mates favourite joke (a lot shorter version though)  ;D

[T Dog]

hahaha that's my mates favourite joke (a lot shorter version though)  ;D

Its all about attention span Brad... ;D

[My Chumps]

How many dead children does it take to change a lightbulb?

Well it's not 5 cause my basements still dark :P

Grim.

[T Dog]

The lineage is now revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", but now you can handle this situation. Jack is the only son of O. Schitt and Awe Schitt. O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Awe Schitt, the owner of Kneedeep N.Schitt Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins: Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Mr.Scherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loada Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspapers announced the Schitt-Happens wedding.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride Pisa Schitt.

;D Note: I am not the Dawg metioned.

[CrowsFan]

I mowed the lawn today, and after I'd finished I sat down with a cold beer. It was a beautiful day and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

The wife walked by and asked me what I was doing? and I said. "Nothing".

The reason I said that, instead of saying 'just thinking darling' was because then she would have asked "About what?"

At that point I would have had to explain to her that men are deep thinkers, which would have led to more questions.

Then I thought about the age-old question of whether giving birth is more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Well, after another beer, and some more thinking, I think I may have come up with the answer.

Getting kicked in the nuts is much more painful than having a baby; and my reasoning is:
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child, but you will never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case. Time for another beer......

Just to be annoying though...

Women actually produce a hormone that makes them forget how painful and awful child birth is, which is why they then think it would be nice to have another baby. If they didn't produce that hormone then the human race would have died out years ago!

[kilbluff1985]

#badgered

[T Dog]

As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that at my age I don't really give a rat's A*s anymore.

.. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

.. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.

.. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while

.. A tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.

And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.

Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it ?

7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.

8. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant.

9. I wish the buck really did stop here, I sure could use a few of them.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.

16. It's not hard to meet expenses . . .they're everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".

19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

20. HAVE I SENT THIS MESSAGE TO YOU BEFORE..........?

Care to join me for a night cap as I don't know if I need a nap

OR

to sleepwalk in my thoughts  :o

[T Dog]

Brad and Mike are two old retired widowers who reside close to each other and do constant welfare checks on each other.

One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Mike opens the morning paper and turns to the obituaries page. He gets the shock of his life when he sees his own obituary in the column. He realises that the query for info on him by the local newspaper several months earlier, was in preparation for this event. He correctly surmises that it is a mistaken entry from their database. It still excites and rankles him, so he calls Brad up.

"Brad, are you up yet?" asks Mike.

Brad sleepily answers, "Yeah, but I'm only now starting my coffee."

"Brad, open the newspaper to page 5."

"Why, what's in the paper?"

"Brad, get the paper and open it to page 5 now!"

"Ok, ok, I've got the paper here, so what's in page 5?"

"Brad, look at the bottom of column 4."

"Why? What's that story on?"

"Brad, read the story on the bottom of the column already!"

"Ok, ok, I'll start reading the column if you stop yelling in my ear!" The paper rustles for a few seconds, then a long silent pause ensues.

Finally, Brad comes on the line quietly and fearfully asks in a trembling voice, "So Mike, where are you calling me from right now?"

8) just goes to show Brads music choices cause issues later in life.. ;D

[T Dog]

A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes.

"How do they feel?" asks the sales man.

"Well they feel a bit tight," replies the man.

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at the man's feet.

"Try pulling the tongue out," the salesman says.

"Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth."  ;D

[T Dog]

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day ... And repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.'

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 lbs!

'That's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'

The Irishman nodded: 'I'll tell you what though, I taut I were going to drop dead on dat tird day.'

'You mean from the hunger?' asked the doctor.

'No, from the skippin!'  :o