Jokes

[T Dog]

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says,"Yeah. I was a salesman back in North Dakota." Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and See how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.
After the store was locked up the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today? The kid says, "One".
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.65".
The boss says, "$101,237.65?" What the heck did you sell?" The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"
The kid said, "No the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot - you should go fishing.'
;D ;D

[T Dog]

6 Smartass Answers

Top 6 Smartass Answers

SMARTASS ANSWER #6 It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. "What are my choices?" John asked. "Yes or no," she replied.
SMARTASS ANSWER #5 A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."
SMARTASS ANSWER #4 A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
SMARTASS ANSWER #3 The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
SMARTASS ANSWER #2 A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, " Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
SMARTASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006 A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
;D

[T Dog]

I've been the proud head of the Ladder Appreciation Society for years, but I've finally had enough.

I'm stepping down.

8)

[T Dog]

An old prospector

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.
As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, 'Hey old man, have you ever danced?'
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No, I never did dance, -- and just never wanted to.' A crowd had gathered quickly and the gunslinger grinned and said, 'Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now,' and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector in order to not get a toe blown off or his boots perforated was soon hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet and everybody was laughing fit to be tied. When the last bullet had been fired the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers back. The loud, audible double clicks carried clearly through the desert air.
The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly. The quiet was almost deafening.
The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. He found it hard to swallow.. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands.
The old man said, 'Son, did you ever kiss a mule's ass?'
The boy bully swallowed hard and said, 'No. But I've always wanted to.'

There are two lessons for us all here: 1. Don't waste ammunition. 2. Don't mess with old people

::) Fossils rule

[T Dog]

At a rent-a-boat company, the caller said into the microphone: boat 99, your hour is up, please head in.
An employee walks up to him and says: We only have 75 boats, there is no boat 99 sir.
The caller then said into the microphone: Boat 66, are you in trouble?

8)

[T Dog]

You might have to think twice about this one. ;D

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip Of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency Room doctor asked her.
'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.
'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting Off your finger?'
'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and Then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants...
I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'
'So then?' asked the doctor.
'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 To get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'
'So then?'
'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to make a Loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the Trigger.

[T Dog]

A blonde, A brunette, and a red-head all died in a car crash, and they all went to heaven at the same time.
They arrive at the gates of heaven, when God appears and tells them they must pass a laughter test, if they fail, they will be sent to hell.
The objective was to climb 100 stairs without laughing. Each stair will have it's own joke.
The Brunette goes first, and laughs at the 46th stair.
The Red-Head goes second, and laughs at the 77th stair.
The Blonde, makes all the way to the 100th step, when she suddenly bursts out with laughter.
God asks "Why are you laughing now?"
The Blonde says "I just got the first joke!".

[T Dog]

There once was a man named Nige. He was very quiet and nice and never yelled or swore.
He had a bird named Brad. Brad was very rude. He was always burping, yelling, or cursing.
One day, Nige just had enough of Brad's nonsense. So he grabbed Brad by the neck and threw him in the freezer. Nige could hear the sound of Brad kicking and screaming and cussing through the freezer door. All of a sudden, the noise stopped.
Nige thought that he hurt the bird, so he went over to his fridge and opened up his feezer. Brad hopped out onto Nigies shoulder, and looked him in the eyes.
"I am so very sorry for my terrible behavior. You are very kind to take care of me, and if you could find it in you heart to forgive me, I would appreciate it very much," Brad said.
"It's okay, Brad. I am sorry for doing that to you," said Nige.
"No harm done," Brad said.
Brad looked back at the freezer for a moment. "By the way, what did the Turkey do?" :o

[T Dog]

 I started a band called 999 Megabytes -  we haven't gotten a gig yet.  8)

[GoLions]

I started a band called 999 Megabytes -  we haven't gotten a gig yet.  8)

Aw... that's terabyte...  :P

???

1GB=1000MB
1TB=1000GB

[CrowsFan]

I started a band called 999 Megabytes -  we haven't gotten a gig yet.  8)

Aw... that's terabyte...  :P

???

1GB=1000MB
1TB=1000GB

It was a pun on the word terrible ;)

[GoLions]

I started a band called 999 Megabytes -  we haven't gotten a gig yet.  8)

Aw... that's terabyte...  :P

???

1GB=1000MB
1TB=1000GB

It was a pun on the word terrible ;)

Well, in that case it was a terrible pun! :P

[T Dog]

a good pun?

To the guy who invented Zero: Thanks for nothing! :o

[T Dog]

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said, "I know"..he said 'Holy shower! A talking pig!'"  :o

[T Dog]

An elderlyGrazz man was staggering down the street and stopped by a police officer who asked, "Just where are you going at 1:30 in the morning?"
Grazz said, "To an alcohol lecture."
The cop asked, "Where is it and who is giving it?"
Grazz said, "It's at my house, and my wife is giving it."