Jokes

[T Dog]

I just wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it's more of a wrap.  ;D

[T Dog]

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. "What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked. "That is the talking clock," the man replied. "How's it work?"

"Watch," the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "Knock it off, you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning!"
8)

[T Dog]

Once there was a family of skunks who lived in a hollow tree. There were two baby skunks. Their names were In and Out.

Now whenever In went out, Out came in, and whenever Out went out, In came in. If In happened to be in and wanted to go out, he would not go out until Out came in. And if Out happened to be in, and wanted to go out, he would not go out until In came in.

One day a big storm blew up, and the mother and father skunks were worried about their children. So they quickly looked around to see whether In was in and Out was out or if Out was in and In was out. Out happened to be in right then. The mother skunk said to Out, "Out, go out and bring In in, please. I'm worried about him."

Out said, "Sure thing, Mama." So Out went out, and for the very first time Out and In were out at the same time. Just a minute or two later Out came back in, and In came in behind him. For the first time in a long time In and Out were in at the same time.

The mother skunk was amazed. "Out, how did you find your brother so quickly?" she asked.

"Oh, Mama, it was easy," Out said. "In stinked!"

;D

If you need a hint, that's instinct.

[henry]

Once there was a family of skunks who lived in a hollow tree. There were two baby skunks. Their names were In and Out.

Now whenever In went out, Out came in, and whenever Out went out, In came in. If In happened to be in and wanted to go out, he would not go out until Out came in. And if Out happened to be in, and wanted to go out, he would not go out until In came in.

One day a big storm blew up, and the mother and father skunks were worried about their children. So they quickly looked around to see whether In was in and Out was out or if Out was in and In was out. Out happened to be in right then. The mother skunk said to Out, "Out, go out and bring In in, please. I'm worried about him."

Out said, "Sure thing, Mama." So Out went out, and for the very first time Out and In were out at the same time. Just a minute or two later Out came back in, and In came in behind him. For the first time in a long time In and Out were in at the same time.

The mother skunk was amazed. "Out, how did you find your brother so quickly?" she asked.

"Oh, Mama, it was easy," Out said. "In stinked!"

;D

If you need a hint, that's instinct.

I won't lie I did need the hint lol. Not bad.

[T Dog]

A drunk staggers into a diner and orders a couple of eggs.
The waiter, suspecting that they've run out, goes back to question the chef.
"Hey, Gus, do we have any more eggs?"
Gus replies, "I ran out of fresh eggs, I only have two rotten eggs left."
The waiter says, "Give him the rotten eggs. He's so bombed he won't know the difference."
Gus scrambles up the rotten eggs and heaps on hash browns, sausage and toast.
The drunk is so hungry he wolfs down the breakfast without comment.
He goes to pay the cashier and asks, "Where'd you get those eggs?"
She replies, "We have our own chicken farm."
The drunk asks, "Do you have a rooster?
"No," she says.
The drunk replies, "Well, you'd better get one, because some skunk is screwing your chickens."

[T Dog]

A guy is walking down the street and he sees his friend with a black eye. He asks him what happened.

His friends says, "Well I was in church and..."

The man interrupts "Church! How do you get hurt in church?"

The friend continues, "Well I was sitting behind this woman Angelina, and after a while what with all the standing, sitting and kneeling, I noticed she had developed a wegie. Now me being a nice guy, I pulled it out for her. She turned around "WHACK" "

The man says "I cant believe you did that", and continues walking.

A week later he sees his friend again and he has another black eye. He asks him what happened this time and his friend responds, "Well I was in church again..."

The man interrupts "CHURCH AGAIN? How do you keep getting hurt in church?!"

The friend explains, "Well, I was sitting behind Angelina again and..."

"Don't tell me you did it again"

"I did not, after all of the standing, sitting, and kneeling, I noticed the wegie again..."

"If you pulled it out again..."

"I did not pull it out. This time he husband was with her an he pulled it out for her. Now, I know she doesn't like that, so I pushed it back in."  ::)

[T Dog]

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and
informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son
is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can,
with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad
takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him. Dad
orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons
looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the
boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooop! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy.
The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant
"Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
Swoooop! Two arms pops out.
The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink
again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores
the whole affair.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches
down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.
Swoooop! Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully
thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left....
then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where
a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.

The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he
was still a head."
8)

[T Dog]

The Vain Person:
One who loves the smell of his own farts.

The Amiable Person:
One who loves the smell of other people's farts.

The Proud Person:
One who thinks his farts are exceptionable fine.

The Shy Person:
One who releases silent farts then blushes.

The Imprudent Person:
One who boldly farts out loud, and then laughs.

The Unfortunate Person:
One who tries hard to fart, but showers instead.

The Scientific Person:
One who farts frequently, but is truly concerned for the environment.

The Nervous Person:
One who stops in the middle of a fart.

The Honest Person:
One who admitted he farted, but offers a good medical reason.

The Dishonest Person:
One who farts but blames the dog.

The Foolish Person:
One who suppresses a fart for hours and hours.

The Thrifty Person:
One who always has several farts in reserve.

The Anti-Social Person:
One who excuses himself and farts in complete privacy.

The Strategic Person:
One who conceals his farts with loud coughing.

The Sadistic Person:
One who farts in bed and then fluffs the covers over his bedmate.

The Intelligent Person:
One who can determine from the smell of his neighbour's fart, precisely the latest food items consumed  :-[

[T Dog]

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde are in a breast stroke race. The starter's gun goes off and the three girls dive into the pool. The brunette and the redhead shoot across the pool and get out. 20 minutes later the blonde reaches the end and gets out. The judge says, "The gold medal goes to the brunette, the silver medal goes to the redhead, and the bronze goes to the blonde." The blonde says, "I don't want to be a sore loser, but I think the other girls were using their arms." 8)

[Ringo]

Not really a joke a true story and hilarious:

You need to listen to the audio.

http://blogs.abc.net.au/queensland/2010/04/harry-cant-stand-it.html

Was brought up after the story from Sir Jack Brabman's State funeral yesterday. @ magnets to ease the Prostrate cancer so use your imagination.

[GoLions]

Like any other morning, John was riding the bus to work.
Today, however, there was a woman sitting on the seat across from him.
This wouldn't be odd, but this woman was acting a bit strange.
Every thirty seconds or so, she sneezed, and then she shivered and let out a little moaning sound.
John, thinking that the woman might be sick, asked if she was alright.
"I'm sorry if the noises I were making were bothering you," she said. "I have a condition that makes me orgasm whenever I sneeze."
"No, it wasn't bothering me, I was just worried that you weren't alright," John said. "Do you take anything to help with your condition?"
"Yes, actually," she said. "Pepper."

[Nige]

The Vain Person:
One who loves the smell of his own farts.

The Amiable Person:
One who loves the smell of other people's farts.

The Proud Person:
One who thinks his farts are exceptionable fine.

The Shy Person:
One who releases silent farts then blushes.

The Imprudent Person:
One who boldly farts out loud, and then laughs.

The Unfortunate Person:
One who tries hard to fart, but showers instead.

The Scientific Person:
One who farts frequently, but is truly concerned for the environment.

The Nervous Person:
One who stops in the middle of a fart.

The Honest Person:
One who admitted he farted, but offers a good medical reason.

The Dishonest Person:
One who farts but blames the dog.

The Foolish Person:
One who suppresses a fart for hours and hours.

The Thrifty Person:
One who always has several farts in reserve.

The Anti-Social Person:
One who excuses himself and farts in complete privacy.

The Strategic Person:
One who conceals his farts with loud coughing.

The Sadistic Person:
One who farts in bed and then fluffs the covers over his bedmate.

The Intelligent Person:
One who can determine from the smell of his neighbour's fart, precisely the latest food items consumed  :-[

All of the above are we T Dog?  :P

[T Dog]

Yep...put me down as a...Proud, Imprudent, Dishonest, Thrifty type farter.. :o

[Big Mac]

Like any other morning, John was riding the bus to work.
Today, however, there was a woman sitting on the seat across from him.
This wouldn't be odd, but this woman was acting a bit strange.
Every thirty seconds or so, she sneezed, and then she shivered and let out a little moaning sound.
John, thinking that the woman might be sick, asked if she was alright.
"I'm sorry if the noises I were making were bothering you," she said. "I have a condition that makes me orgasm whenever I sneeze."
"No, it wasn't bothering me, I was just worried that you weren't alright," John said. "Do you take anything to help with your condition?"
"Yes, actually," she said. "Pepper."

Found myself chuckling at this one  :P

[T Dog]

1. A little brown paper bag goes to the doctor and says,