Jokes

[T Dog]

Last night I almost had a threesome, I only needed two more people!  :-\

[tor01doc]

Brett Ratten - Knock, knock.

Mick Malthouse - Who's there?

BR - Owen.

MM - Owen who?

BR - 0 and 3 - ha ha ha ha ha.

[T Dog]

I tried sniffing Coke last night, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.  :o

[T Dog]

Eddie McGuire goes to Carlton for a meeting with John Elliott. After the meeting, John says to Eddie, "Well Eddie, I don't know what you think of your players at Victoria Park, but mine are all bright and brilliant."

"How do you know?" asks Eddie.

"Oh well, it's simple", says John. "They all have to take special tests before they can play here. Just watch this." He calls SOS over and asks him, "Tell me SOS, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?"

"Ah, that's simple John", says SOS, "it's me!"

"Well done SOS", says John, and Eddie is very impressed.

Eddie returns to Collingwood and wonders about the intelligence of the his team. He calls in Nathan Buckley and asks, "Nathan, tell me, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?"

Nathan thinks and thinks and doesn't know the answer. "Can I think about it a bit more Eddie, and I'll give you the answer tomorrow?"

"Of course," says Eddie, "you've got 24 hours."

Nathan goes away, thinks as hard as he can, calls in his team-mates but no-one knows the answer. 20 hours later, Nathan is very worried - still no answer and only 4 hours to go. Eventually Nathan says "I know, I'll ring Leigh Matthews, he's clever, he'll know the answer."

He calls Leigh. "Leigh," he says, "tell me who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?"

"Very simple", says Leigh, "it's me!"

"Of course", says Nathan and rings Eddie.

"Eddie", says Nathan, "I've got the answer: it's Leigh Matthews". "No, you idiot", says Eddie, "it's Stephen Silvagni".

[tor01doc]

Brett Ratten - Knock, knock.

Mick Malthouse - Who's there?

BR - Owen.

MM - Owen who?

BR - 0 and 4 - ha ha ha ha ha.

[tor01doc]

Mick Malthouse got caught 43ks over the speed limit.
Just shows he will do anything to get 4 points

[T Dog]

A ham, an egg, and a piece of toast go into a bar, and ordered drinks.

Then the bartender says

[nrich102]

A ham, an egg, and a piece of toast go into a bar, and ordered drinks.

Then the bartender says

Interesting

By any chance is it meant to finish

"Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here."

[T Dog]

A ham, an egg, and a piece of toast go into a bar, and ordered drinks.

Then the bartender says

Interesting

By any chance is it meant to finish

"Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here."

normally I check... :-[

[T Dog]

This guy in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.
"No thank you," she said politely." "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."
"That must be rather difficult," the man replied.
"Oh, I don't mind too much," she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."
;D

[T Dog]

I spent all night banging on the kitchen table & I'm f*cking exhausted...Never again will I leave my Terry's Chocolate Orange in the fridge.

My wife caught me in bed with one of the neighbours and reacted really badly.....
Probably because we live next door to a cemetery.

Dancing on my grave? Over my dead body.

I went for a run but came back home after 2 minutes because I forgot something... I forgot that I'm fat and I can't run for more than 2 minutes.

[T Dog]

Q. What do you do for a drowning St Kilda player?
A. Nothing. You could drag him to the top, but he'll choke anyway.

Q. What's the difference between Essendon and an arsonist?
A. An arsonist wouldn't waste 22 matches.

Fremantle are bringing out a new bra! Plenty of support, soft and no CUP!!!

Did you hear that the Post Office has had to recall their latest stamps?
They had pictures of Collingwood players on them. People couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Did you hear about the politician who was found dead in a Fremantle jersey?
The police had to dress him up in women's underwear in order to save his family from the embarrassment.

Four surgeons are taking a coffee break. The first one says, "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up everything inside them is numbered."
The second surgeon says, "Nah, librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
Third surgeon says, "Try electricians. Everything inside them is colour-coded."
The fourth one says, "I prefer Carlton players. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and arses are interchangeable."

A man meets a friend and sees that his friend's car is total write-off and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood.
He asks his friend "What's happened to your car ?"
"Well," the friend responds, "I ran over Adam Mcphee".
"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood. But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"
"Well, he tried to escape through the park."

Q. If you see a Collingwood fan on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
A. It could be your bicycle.

Q. What do Collingwood fans and sperm have in common?
A. One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Q. What do you have when 100 Essendon fans are buried up to their necks in sand?
A. Not enough sand.

Q. What's the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead Fremantle fan on the road?
A. There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q. You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a Port fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What do you do?
A. Shoot the Port fan - twice.

Q. What's the difference between a female Essendon fan and a Pit bull?
A. Lipstick

Q. Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an intelligent Carlton fan, and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a $100.00 note. Who gets it?
A. The drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.

Q. What do Port Fans use for birth control?
A. Their personalities.

Q. What is the difference between a Collingwood Fan and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.

Q. What do you call 5000 dead Carlton Fans at the bottom of the ocean?
A. A good start.

A Essendon fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Essendon jumper. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St Peter in a Tigers scarf.
"Hello, mate," says St Peter, "I'm sorry, no Essendon fans in heaven."
"What?" exclaims the man, astonished.
"You heard. No Essendon fans."
"But, but, but, I've been a good man," replies the Essendon supporter.
"Oh, really?" says St Peter. "What have you done then?"
"Well," says the guy, "three weeks before I died, I gave 20 bucks to the starving children in Africa."
"Oh," says St Peter. "Anything else?"
"Well, two weeks before I died, I also gave 20 bucks to the homeless."
"Hmmm. Anything else?"
"Yeah. A week before I died, I gave 20 bucks to the Albanian orphans."
"Okay," says St Peter, "you wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor."
Ten minutes pass before St Peter returns. He looks the bloke In the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here's your sixty bucks back, now get lost."

[kilbluff1985]

5 DEADLY TERMS USED BY A WOMAN ~

1. FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when she knows she is RIGHT & YOU need to SHUT UP.

2. NOTHING: Means SOMETHING & you need to be WORRIED.

3. GO AHEAD: This is a dare, not permission , do NOT do it.

4. WHATEVER: A woman

[Nige]

Roses are red, violets are glorious. Don't try to surprise Oscar Pistorius.

[T Dog]

How Fast Can You Guess These Short Words You Probably Use Every Day?

1. F__ K
2. PU_S_
3. S_X
4. P_N_S
5. BOO_S
6. __ NDOM





Answers
1. FORK
2. PULSE
3. SIX
4. PANTS
5. BOOKS
6. RANDOM

Scoring
6 Correct: You're doing great! A young and supple mind.
5 Correct: You're still OK: everyone can miss ONE now and then.
4 Correct: You're past your prime, dad.
3 Correct: You're past your prime, grandma.
2 Correct: You really need to see your doctor.
1 Correct: You're probably already being seen by a doctor.
0 Correct: What a pervert!