Jokes

[T Dog]

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, ..Do you want to have Sex?
No.., she answered.
I then said, ...Is that your final answer?.
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, ..Yes...
So I said, ..Then I'd like to phone a friend.
And that's when the fight started. :-X

[Daniel123]

Two men walk into a bar

**ding** ding****

[T Dog]

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, ..The weather out there is terrible....My loving wife of five years replied, ..And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?.. And that's how the fight started.  >:(

[T Dog]

This morning on the freeway I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand new Volkswagen Golf doing 100 km per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily, but she gave me such a fright I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the meat pie out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, my mobile phone slid out from between my shoulder and my ear, and fell into the coffee between my legs, which splashed and burned Big Tom and the Twins, ruined the phone, soaked my trousers and disconnected an important call.

Bloody women drivers!

[Capper]

A man was walking through a rather seedy section of town, when a bum walked up to him and asked the man for two dollars.
The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"
The bum replied, "No."
Then the man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"
The bum said, "No."
Then the man asked the bum, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

[nas]

In Australia, the curbside garbage carts are called "wheelie bins."
A garbage collector is driving along a Sydney street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his rubbish truck.
He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out. In the spirit of kindness and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck, goes to the front door and knocks.
There's no answer. Being a conscientious bloke, he knocks againmuch harder. Eventually, a Japanese man comes to the door.
"Harro!" says the Japanese man.
"G'day mate, where's ya' bin?" asks the collector.
"I bin on toilet," explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.
Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.
"No mate, where's ya' dust bin?"
"I dust been to toilet, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man, still perplexed.
"Listen," says the garbage collector. "You're misunderstanding me. I mean, where's ya' wheelie bin?'"
"OK, OK. " replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin, and whispers in the collector's ear.
"I wheelie bin having s*x wiffa wife's sista!!!"

[CrowsFan]

In Australia, the curbside garbage carts are called "wheelie bins."
A garbage collector is driving along a Sydney street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his rubbish truck.
He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out. In the spirit of kindness and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck, goes to the front door and knocks.
There's no answer. Being a conscientious bloke, he knocks again

Hilarious! :P

[nas]

In Australia, the curbside garbage carts are called "wheelie bins."
A garbage collector is driving along a Sydney street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his rubbish truck.
He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out. In the spirit of kindness and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck, goes to the front door and knocks.
There's no answer. Being a conscientious bloke, he knocks again

Hilarious! :P

At work & stupid copy n paste problems. Fixed now

[T Dog]

An Irishman, by the name of O'Malley proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweler. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.

The young lass, on learning it wasn't real, returned to her future husband. She protested vehemently about his cheapness.

'It was in honor of St. Patrick's Day,' he smiled.

'I gave you a sham rock.'

[T Dog]

Sarah was reading a newspaper while her husband was engrossed in a magazine.  Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said.  "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to Etihad stadium." "Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine. Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?" "Absolutely not," he said. "How sweet," Sarah said.  "Tell me why not." "Season's more than half over", he said. ::)

[T Dog]

A blonde decides she wants to go ice fishing. So she goes to the library and reads and researches ice fishing. Then she goes to the sporting goods store and buys everything she needs.
So she finally thinks she is ready to get started, so she goes out to the ice and starts drilling a hole.
Suddenly she hears a voice from up above. It says: "There are no fish under the ice." So she decides to go farther down on the ice. She starts drilling and she hears the voice again; "There are no fish under the ice" So she packs up her things and moves down the ice again. She starts drilling and she hears the voice again. "There are no fish under the ice."
"Is that you Lord?" she says
"No" says the voice, "I'm the manager of the ice hockey rink."

[GoLions]

At a dinner party last year, I was asked the most ridiculous question by the host:
"If you knew a woman who was pregnant, and she had eight kids already, three of whom were deaf, two of whom were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?"
"The poor woman must be worn out caring for her existing children," I replied, "so I would have to say yes."
"Congratulations," said the host, with a self-satisfied grin, "you've just killed Beethoven."
"I've got one for you," I retorted, resisting the almost overwhelming urge to punch his face in; "Imagine you're still single and there are three girls walking down the street. One is blonde, one is brunette and the other is a redhead. Would you like to have sex with them?"
"Well," replied the host, "my wife is a brunette, so I would have to say I'd want to have sex with the brunette girl."
"Those girls are six years old," I replied. "Congratulations, you're a child rapist."
For some reason, I was never invited back.

[T Dog]

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, ..Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!.. And that's how the fight started.

[T Dog]

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as
Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
Why the early bird gets the worm;
Life isn't always fair;
And maybe it was my fault.



Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death,
by his parents, Truth and Trust,
by his wife, Discretion,
by his daughter, Responsibility,
and by his son, Reason.


He is survived by his 5 stepbrothers;
I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim
Pay me for Doing Nothing



Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

[Ringo]

How true Tdog - Let us all stand up to revive common sense,