Jokes

[nas]

Not a joke but a bit of trivia

Lincoln/Kennedy:

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners.
Both successors were named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are comprised of fifteen letters.
Lincoln was shot at the theatre named 'Kennedy.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called 'Lincoln.'
Booth ran from the theatre and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theatre.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

And here's the kicker...

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.

[T Dog]

Get ready for xmas cracker type jokes... 8)

Why did Santa's helper see the doctor?

Because he had a low "elf" esteem!

What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar?

He got 25 days!

What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?

A Holly Davidson!

What do you call Santa's little helpers?

Subordinate clauses!

What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?

A Christmas Quacker!

What is the best Christmas present in the world?

A broken drum, you just can't beat it!

How did Scrooge win the football game?

The ghost of Christmas passed!

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?

Santa Jaws

What says Oh Oh Oh?

Santa walking backwards!

Who is Santa's favorite singer?

Elf-is Presley!

What do Santa's little helpers learn at school?

The elf-abet!

What did Santa say to the smoker?
Please don't smoke, it's bad for my elf!

What do you get if Santa goes down the chimney when a fire is lit?
Krisp Kringle!

What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?

Horn-aments!

Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing?

They always drop their needles!

Did Rudolph go to school?
No. He was Elf-taught!

Why did the turkey join the band?

Because it had the drumsticks!

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite!

What do snowmen wear on their heads?

Ice caps!

How do snowmen get around?

They ride an icicle!

What song do you sing at a snowman's birthday party?

Freeze a jolly good fellow!

How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?

One that's deep pan, crisp and even!

Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy!

What do you call a cat in the desert?

Sandy Claws!

What does Santa do with fat elves?

He sends them to an Elf Farm!

What did Adam say to his wife on the day before Christmas?

It's Christmas, Eve!

;D

[PowerBug]

Funny exam answers:

Q. In what battle did Napoleon die?
A. His last one

Q. Where was the declaration of independence signed?
A. On the bottom of the page

Q. River Ravi, flows in which state?
A. Liquid state

Q. What is the main reasons for divorce?
A. Marriage.

Q. What can you never eat for Breakfast?
A. Lunch and Dinner

Q. What looks like half an apple?
A. The other half.

Q. If you threw a red stone into the Blue sea, what will it become?
A. A wet stone

Q. How can a man go 8 days without sleeping?
A. Easy, sleep at night.

Q. If you had 3 apples and 4 oranges in one hand, and 4 apples and 3 oranges in the other hand, what have you got?
A. Very large hands.

Q. If it took 8 men 10 hours to build a brick wall, how long will it take 4men to build it?
A. No time, the wall is already built.

Q. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
A. Anyway you want, because a concrete floor is very hard to crack. :)

[T Dog]

What nationality is Santa Claus?

North Polish.

8)

[T Dog]

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?

Claustrophobic.
:o

[T Dog]

The 3 stages of man:

He believes in Santa Claus.
He doesn't believe in Santa Claus.
He is Santa Claus.

;D

[Ringo]

Another Christmas joke

A tabby cat was singing at Christmas "All I want for Christmas is 2 Little Kittens"

Not far behind a Tom "Here comes Santa Claus"

[timmyparso]

I openned my Christmas cracker joke and all it said was "The Adelaide Crows"

[Bill Manspeaker]

The 3 stages of man:

He believes in Santa Claus.
He doesn't believe in Santa Claus.
He is Santa Claus.

;D

hahaha so true ;D 8)

[T Dog]

Why did Santa spell Christmas N-O-E?

Because the angel had said,"No L!"

8)

[kilbluff1985]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. 'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The Irishman replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Season Begins ...

[Terminator]

The biggest joke today, was the team bowled out at the MCG, for 179 :P

[T Dog]

If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?

Missletoe!

8)

[T Dog]

NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO KEEP IF YOU'RE A NERD

I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er... I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!

I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is much more practical.

When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"

I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.

I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses.

I will stop sending e-mail to my roommate.

I will not buy magazines with AOL disks bound in just to get another 1.44MB disk.

I resolve to work with neglected children... my own.

I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm I answer e-mail.

When I subscribe to a newsgroup or mailing list, I will read all the mail I get from it.

I will stop using, "So, what's your URL?" as a pickup line.

No more downloads from alt.binaries.*

I resolve to back up my new 400 GB hard drive daily... well, once a week... monthly, perhaps...

I will spend less than five hour a day on the Internet.

I will limit my top ten lists to ten items.

I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.

;D

[nas]

A woman goes to the hospital. "What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor.
"Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Innisfail, in my vagina."
The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said, "Those aren't postage stamps my dear, they're the sticker's off the bananas."