Jokes

[Ringo]

Gold Tdog Luv Military precision and time

[T Dog]

If you need Facebook to remind you it's your partners birthday, I hope you own a comfortable couch.  :-\

[T Dog]

A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newsreader says,
"Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."
The blonde starts crying and says to her husband while sobbing
"That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!"
Confused the husband replies "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved."
After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says,
"... So how many is a Brazilian?"
8)

[T Dog]

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop. "I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act." "Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it." The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.

A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now! 8)

[nrich102]

Couldn't stop laughing after I heard this one.

Windows Phone

[Fantasygun]

A blond, a brunette, and a redhead were trying out for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different planets. First, they called the brunette in and asked her a question. "If you could go to any planet, what planet would you want to go to and why?" After pondering the question she answered, "I would like to go to Mars because it seems so interesting with all the recent news about possible extra terrestrial life on the planet." They said "well okay, thank you." And told her that they would get back to her. Next, the redhead entered the room and the NASA people asked her the same question. In reply, "I would like to go to Saturn to see all of its rings." Again, "thank you" and they would get back to her. Finally, the blond entered the room and they asked her the same question they asked the brunette and the redhead. She thought for a while and replied, "I would like to go to the sun." The people from NASA replied, "why, don't you know that if you went to the sun you would burn to death?" The blond smirked and put her hands on her hips. "Are you guys dumb? I'd go at night!"

Classic!

[T Dog]

 Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
:o

[Nige]

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
:o

Now I want bagels.  :(

[timmyparso]

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
:o

Now I want bagels.  :(

Don't forget to take the feathers out

[Nige]

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
:o

Now I want bagels.  :(

Don't forget to take the feathers out

Nah, I prefer not to.

[timmyparso]

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
:o

Now I want bagels.  :(

Don't forget to take the feathers out

Nah, I prefer not to.

the feathers make good toothpicks

[T Dog]

I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the yesterday and asked the teller to check my balance she leaned over and pushed me.   >:(

[Ringo]

I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the yesterday and asked the teller to check my balance she leaned over and pushed me.   >:(

Agree Tdog banks are pushing you more and more to use the telephone or PC in the bank to check your balance.  Customer service in banks when out years ago when they started to try and sell you all the other products whether you needed them or not,  I know as I worked for a major bak for 23 years and this was one of the reasons i left.

[T Dog]

Q: Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?
A: The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!

[T Dog]

You Know You're Addicted To The Internet When...

1. You kiss your girlfriend's home page.
2. Your bookmark takes 15 mins to scroll from top to bottom.
3. Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
4. You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.
5. You refuse to go to a vacations spot w/no electricity and no phone lines.
6. You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cell modem and a laptop.
7. You spend half of the plane trip w/your laptop on your lap... and your child in the overhead compartment.
8. All your daydreaming is preoccupied w/getting a faster connection to the net.
9. And even your night dreams are in HTML.
10. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com.
11. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
12. Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.
13. You step out of your room and realise that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.
14. You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.
15. Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
16. All of your friends have an @ in their names.
17. When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
18. Your dog has its own home page.
19. You've already visited all the links at Yahoo and you're halfway through Lycos.
20. You can't call your mother... she doesn't have a modem.
21. You realise there is not a sound in the house and you have no idea where your children are.
22. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
23. You refer to your age as 3.x. Name: Joe cool Age: version 3.1.
24. You have commandeered your teenager's phone line for the net and even his friends know not to call on his line anymore.
25. Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
26. Even though you died last week, you've managed to retain OPS on your favorite IRC channel. 27. You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
28. You don't know the sex of 3 of your closest friends because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
29. Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.
30. You miss more than 5 meals a week downloading the latest games from Apogee.
31. You start looking for hot HTML addresses in public rest rooms.
32. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
33. You tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html.
34. You actually just now tried that 123.elm.street address
. 35. You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job.
36. Your friends no longer send you email - they just log on to your IRC channel
37. You buy a captain Kirk chair w/a built-in keyboard and mouse.
38. Your wife makes a new rule: "the computer cannot come to bed."
39. You are so familiar w/the WWW that you find the search engines useless.
40. You get a tattoo that says "this body best viewed w/ Netscape 3.2 or higher."
41. You never have to deal w/busy signals when calling your ISP... because you never log off.
42. You ask the plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer w/a toilet.
43. You forget what year it is.
44. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
45. You ask your doctor to implant a gig in your brain.
46. You leave the modem speaker on after connecting because you think it sounds like the ocean wind... the perfect soundtrack     for "surfing the net."
47. You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200hrs per month "unlimited."
48. You turn on your computer and turn off your wife.
49. Your wife says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the   2 of you can chat.
50. As your car crashes through the guard-rail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.
8)