Jokes

[T Dog]

I would post this joke, but the world limit doesnt let me :(, and the copy and paste problems would kill it. But you can find it here :)

Oh Dear... ;D ;D

[nas]

I would post this joke, but the world limit doesnt let me :(, and the copy and paste problems would kill it. But you can find it here :)

Oh Dear... ;D ;D

Haha

[T Dog]

The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.
The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.
The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.
When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man ... "From the tip of my penis to the bottom of my testicles."
The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received. The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring.
The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop the pants. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he said. "Where are your testicles?"
The general replied, "In Vietnam."
8)

[T Dog]

Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge.
They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up the screen.
Seconds before the end, a bolt of lightning struck taking out the electricity.
Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.
He asks Satan to show what he has come up with.
Satan is visibly upset, and cries,

[CrowsFan]

Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge.
They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up the screen.
Seconds before the end, a bolt of lightning struck taking out the electricity.
Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.
He asks Satan to show what he has come up with.
Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.
Satan is astonished. He stutters, "But how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?"
God chuckles, "Jesus saves."

Thought I would add in the rest of the joke ;)

[nrich102]

So there's a guy called Joel, and he loves tractors. When Joel first learned to read, he read books about tractors, his bed was in the shape of a tractor and there were pictures of tractors on his bed sheets. Joel loves tractors, tractors are his passion. When Joel got to high school, year 8, the school had a program where you could learn to drive a tractor. Joel didn't even need to think to go and sign up for this program, he loved tractors. Joel loved this tractor program so much, that he started wagging periods in school to drive the tractors. One day, Joel found a 20 year old tractor sitting in a field, abandoned. He loved it as soon as he saw it, and adopted it as his own.

After a couple of months, Joel plowed the grass and planted some seeds and made a bit of money. There was one clear thing to do with that money -- Buy a new tractor. So he went to the tractor shop, and he saw an orange tractor. He loved the tractor, and bought it immediately. A month later, he went back to the tractor shop, and bought a new green tractor. Now Joel did something along these lines for the next few years, and became pretty good mates. Once a week, they'd go to the pub together and talk about tractors, and everything to do with tractors. But there cam a day, when the debt collectors came around to Joel, and he had to give back all his tractors, except for the 20 year old one that was worth nothing. After this happened, Joel swore a vow never to buy another tractor, he was no longer a fan of tractors.

About 6 months later, the guy who owned the tractor shop called up Joel and said, 'Hey mate, I know we haven't been seeing each other much lately, but I got these plans, and I really want to show them to you.' Joel thought he'd been pretty good lately, so went around to the shop. The manager took him up to his office and said 'I really shouldn't be showing you these blueprints, as they're secret and all, but here they are.' Joel spent many hours looking at them, when the shop owner said, 'I need to go out, but I don't really want you to be in my office here alone, yet alone with secret documents. You mind if I have a smoke?' Joel replied 'No worries, I'm an extractor-fan'

;D ;D

[T Dog]

Thought I would add in the rest of the joke  ;)

Thanks CF  :-[

[T Dog]

A cricket enthusiast died and went to hell. After a few days, the Devil came up to him and said, "What do you feel like doing today? You can have anything you like." "Well," said the cricketer, "I can think of nothing better than a game of cricket. Can we do that?" "Certainly," said the Devil, and off they went to get changed. They arrived at a beautiful pitch, and the batsman in his new gear took up a stance. Nothing happpened. "Come on then," he said to the Devil, "bowl the first ball." "Ah, that's the Hell of it," said the Devil. "We haven't got any balls."  8)

[T Dog]

Peter goes golfing every Saturday. One Saturday, he comes home tired and five hours late. His wife asks him, "What took you so long?" Peter says, "That was the worst game of golf I've ever had. We got up to the first tee, and Harry hit a hole-in-one and immediately dropped dead of a heart attack." Peter's wife says, "OMG! That's terrible!" Peter says, "I know. Then, for the rest of the game, it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry. . ."
8)

[T Dog]

Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible record of forecasting for the TV news program. He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year. That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired. He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job. One blank on the job application called for the reason for leaving his previous position. Hopkins wrote, "The climate didn't agree with me." ::)

[T Dog]

Brown and Robinson were two old men who were fierce rivals at cricket. One day, they decided to see who was the better player by having a game between them selves. Brown laboured for an hour to score twelve runs, but was bowled by the only straight ball he received. Both men were exhausted, and Robinson decided that he was too tired to bat and made for the pavilion, even though Brown had only to bowl at the empty wicket and break it to win.
As he lay slumped in the pavilion, an amused on looker strolled in and said, 'Congratulations.'
'What do you mean?' said Robinson.
'Haven't you heard?' said the spectator. 'Brown bowled thirteen wides!'
8)

[T Dog]

Two Hippies are walking down a railroad track stoned.
One Hippie says "This is a really long flowering staircase!"
The other Hippie says "I don't mind the stairs, it's this low flowering handrail thats killing me."
8)

[T Dog]

A guy walks into a bar. He's got a carrot in one ear, a stick of celery in the other ear and a hot dog up his nose. He sits down at the bar and says, "Man, I ain't feelin' so hot." The bartender says, "Well, I know what your problem is. You ain't eatin' right!"  8)

A lady crab is walking along the beach one day when she sees a man crab. He's not walking sideways like the other crab , he's walking in a straight line. Impressed with his talent, she asks him out on a date. However, when they meet the next evening for their date, he's walking sideways, like a normal crab! When she asks him why he's not walking forward any more, he says: "Oh, baby, I can't drink that much every day!"  ;D

[Ringo]

If people are offended I apologise but this is really good.

And the Lord spoke to Noah: ''In six months I am going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark.''

And in a flash of lightning He delivered the specifications for an Ark.

''Okay," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

''Six months, and it starts to rain,'' thundered the Lord. ''You would better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time.''

And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark.

''Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?'' A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah, for emphasis.

''Lord, please forgive me," begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we got 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls.

Then I started gathering up the animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood.

Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. And the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax. I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years,'' Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled.

''You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?'' Noah asked, hopefully.

''Wrong!'' thundered the Lord. ''But being Lord of the Universe has its advantages. I fully intend to smite the earth, but with something far worse than a flood. Something man invented himself.''

''What's that?'' asked Noah. There was a long pause, and then the Lord spoke:

''Government.''

[tbagrocks]

I liked this bit: First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction  :P