Jokes

[T Dog]

An ice cream seller was today found on the floor of his van covered in chocolate and hundreds and thousands. Police said he topped himself.  8)

[T Dog]

Once upon a time a Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman were captured by the Red Indians on a prospecting trip in North America. They been tied up against their respective totem poles for a day when the Chief walked up to the Englishman, pinched the skin of his upper arm and said, "Hmmm, heap good skin, nice and thick. Will make heap good canoe. You have a last request?"

"That case of gin I had when your boys caught me. I'd like that", says the Englishman. He's provided with his gin and is taken off to a teepee for his final night. The Englishman drinks two bottles of gin.

In the morning the Indians dispatch him, skin him and make him into a canoe. The canoe lasts a couple of days when it tears on a rock. Next day the Chief walks up to the Scotsman, pinches the skin at the top of his arm and says, "Hmmm, heap, heap good skin, very, very thick. Will make heap, heap good canoe. You have a last request?

"Ah'll huv ma whisky back", says the Scotsman. He's provided with his whisky and taken off to a teepee for his final night. The Scotsman drinks three bottles of whisky. He's already dead when the Indians come to collect him the next morning. They skin him and make him into a canoe. The canoe lasts a week before it tears on a rock. Next day the Chief walks up to the Irishman, pinches the skin at the top of his arm and says, "Hmmm, heap, heap, heap, heap good skin, very, very, very, very thick. Will make heap, heap, heap, heap good canoe. You have a last request?

"I'd loike a fork.", says the Irishman.

The Chief gives him a funny look but gives him the fork. The Irishman takes the fork, stabs himself repeatedly shouting, "Yer no makin' any feckin canoe outta me!"
;D

[T Dog]

A Guide to Effective Scientific Communication
        =============================================

Phrase                         Translation
=================================================================
It has long been known         I haven't bothered to look up the reference
It is believed                                 I think
It is generally believed                 A couple of other guys think so too
It is not unreasonable to                     If you believe this, you'll believe assume  anything
Of great theoretical  importance        I find it kind of interesting
Of great practical importance                    I can get some mileage out of it
Typical results are shown                     The best results are shown
3 samples were chosen for further study                    The others didn't make sense, so we ignored them
  The 4 hour sample was not studied                 I dropped it on the floor
The 4 hour determination may  not be significant        I dropped it on the floor, but scooped most of it up
  The significance of these results is unclear                 Look at the pretty artifact
It has not been possible to provide definitive answers     The experiment was negative, but at least I can publish the data             
  Correct within an order of magnitude                 Wrong
It might be argued that                  I have such a good answer for this objection that I shall now raise it
  These investigations proved highly rewarding         My grant is going to be renewed
8)

[nas]

Who said Aussie Rules footballers aren't smart?

'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.' (Shane Wakelin).

'Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.' (Mick Malthouse - Collingwood).

'I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.' (Peter Bell - Fremantle - on his University Law studies).

'You guys line up alphabetically by height' and 'You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle.' (Barry Hall Sydney captain at training).

Brock Maclean (Melbourne) on whether he had visited the Pyramids during his visit to Egypt:
'I can't really remember the names of the clubs we went to.'

'He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.' (Kevin Sheedy on James Hird).

Jonathan Brown, on night Grand Finals vs Day Games: 'It's basically the same, just darker.'

Ron Barassi talking about Gary Cowton: 'I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, 'Barass, I don't know and I don't care.'

Barry Hall (Sydney) when asked about the upcoming season: 'I want to kick 70 or 80 goals this season, whichever comes first.'

'Luke Hodge - the 21 year old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago' (Dermott Brereton).

'Chad had done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator.' (Mark Williams).

'We actually got the winning goal three minutes from the end but then they scored.' (Ben Cousins, West Coast Eagles).

'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.' (Luke Darcy).

'That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it, which was identical.' (Dermott Brereton).

'Sure there have been injuries and deaths in football - but none of them serious.' (Adrian Anderson).

'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.' (Andrew Demetriou).

'I would not say he (Chris Judd) is the best centreman in the AFL but there are none better.' (Dermott Brereton).

'I never comment on umpires and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat.' (Terry Wallace).

Garry Lyon : 'Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?'
David Swartz: 'On what?'

'Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw.' (Dermott Brereton).

'Strangely, in slow-motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer.' (Dermott Brereton).

And my 2 favourites from the mouth of North Melbourne's Wayne Carey:
"Tell me, Wayne, did you get your nickname, The Duck, because of your gait?"
"No, it's because of the way I walk."

When Wayne Carey was telling teammates about the house he had just bought, he was particularly proud that the kitchen featured a lot of timber in the way of cupboards and benches.

Said a teammate: "Is it in Baltic pine?"
"No, in Keilor,"

[nas]

A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing
her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so
intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to
complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, 'Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?'

'I was stung by a bee', she said.

'Where?', he asked.

'Between the first and second hole', she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said, 'Then your feet were too far apart.'

[T Dog]

Famous predictions.. :o

"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously
considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently
of no value to us."
     --Western Union internal memo, 1876.

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
     --Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of
science, 1949

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
     --Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

"640K ought to be enough for anybody."
     -- Bill Gates, 1981

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked
with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is
a fad that won't last out the year."
     --The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall,
1957

"But what... is it good for?"
     --Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM,
1968, commenting on the microchip.

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
     --Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital
Equipment Corp., 1977

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value.  Who
would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
     --David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for
investment in the radio in the 1920s.

"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn
better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible."
     --A Yale University management professor in response to Fred
Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service.
(Smith went on to found  Federal Express Corp.)

"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?"
     --H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.

"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and
not Gary Cooper."
     --Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in
"Gone With The Wind."

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out."
     --Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible."
     --Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing,
even  built with some of your parts, and what do you think about
funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay
our salary, we'll come work  for you.' And they said, 'No.' So
then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't
need you. You haven't got through college yet.'"
     --Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get
Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal
computer.

"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and
reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum
against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge
ladled out daily in high schools."
     --1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's
revolutionary rocket work.

"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil?
You're crazy."
     --Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project
to drill for oil in 1859.

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."
     --Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole
Superieure de Guerre.

"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction".
      --Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872

"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
     --Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents,
1899.

[T Dog]

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?  8)

[My Chumps]

Who said Aussie Rules footballers aren't smart?

'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.' (Shane Wakelin).

'Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.' (Mick Malthouse - Collingwood).

'I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.' (Peter Bell - Fremantle - on his University Law studies).

'You guys line up alphabetically by height' and 'You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle.' (Barry Hall Sydney captain at training).

Brock Maclean (Melbourne) on whether he had visited the Pyramids during his visit to Egypt:
'I can't really remember the names of the clubs we went to.'

'He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.' (Kevin Sheedy on James Hird).

Jonathan Brown, on night Grand Finals vs Day Games: 'It's basically the same, just darker.'

Ron Barassi talking about Gary Cowton: 'I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, 'Barass, I don't know and I don't care.'

Barry Hall (Sydney) when asked about the upcoming season: 'I want to kick 70 or 80 goals this season, whichever comes first.'

'Luke Hodge - the 21 year old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago' (Dermott Brereton).

'Chad had done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator.' (Mark Williams).

'We actually got the winning goal three minutes from the end but then they scored.' (Ben Cousins, West Coast Eagles).

'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.' (Luke Darcy).

'That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it, which was identical.' (Dermott Brereton).

'Sure there have been injuries and deaths in football - but none of them serious.' (Adrian Anderson).

'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.' (Andrew Demetriou).

'I would not say he (Chris Judd) is the best centreman in the AFL but there are none better.' (Dermott Brereton).

'I never comment on umpires and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat.' (Terry Wallace).

Garry Lyon : 'Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?'
David Swartz: 'On what?'

'Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw.' (Dermott Brereton).

'Strangely, in slow-motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer.' (Dermott Brereton).

And my 2 favourites from the mouth of North Melbourne's Wayne Carey:
"Tell me, Wayne, did you get your nickname, The Duck, because of your gait?"
"No, it's because of the way I walk."

When Wayne Carey was telling teammates about the house he had just bought, he was particularly proud that the kitchen featured a lot of timber in the way of cupboards and benches.

Said a teammate: "Is it in Baltic pine?"
"No, in Keilor,"

I love how many there are from Dermott!

[T Dog]

A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots." Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?" The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket.
The bartender asks "He can drink?"
"Oh, sure. He can drink."
So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.
"That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?"
The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man.
The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing" he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"
The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor's powers!"
8)

[Nige]

That chilli story/joke at the top of the page is gold.  8)

[T Dog]

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card,.... "Rest in Peace."

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,... 'Congratulations on your new location!'"
:o

[T Dog]

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, And at the appropriate point in the process. She told him that he would now need to enter a password, something he could remember easily and will use each time he has to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password,
He made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in....
P... E... N.... I... S...
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***
8)

[T Dog]

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon he sees another sign which says:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real. Then he drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST, FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks,
"What may we do for you, my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me."
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man,
"Please knock on this door."
He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in long habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs,
"Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."
He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
GO IN PEACE
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED
BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
8)

[T Dog]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night.
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, John, what was your toast?" John Said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John," Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised myself! You know, he's only been there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come".
8) ;D

[nrich102]

I would post this joke, but the world limit doesnt let me :(, and the copy and paste problems would kill it. But you can find it here :)