Jokes

[T Dog]

How many mechanics does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to scratch his butt, one to order the wrong part and one to tell you it won't be here until Tuesday  8)

[PowerBug]

Don't hurt me for this please, it is a joke.

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
None, because we all know feminists can't change anything.

As I said, don't take it seriously.

[T Dog]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side. He told the jeweler he wanted a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and found a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something much more special."
The jeweler went to his special stock in the safe and brought another ring back. "This one's $40,000." The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man said, "I'll take it!"
The jeweler asked how payment would be made, and the old man said, "By cheque, but I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday to verify funds. I'll pick up the ring on Monday afternoon."
Monday morning, the jeweler called the old man saying, "There's no money in that account!"
The old man said, "I know, but let me tell you about my weekend!"
8) ;D ;D

[SydneyRox]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side. He told the jeweler he wanted a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and found a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something much more special."
The jeweler went to his special stock in the safe and brought another ring back. "This one's $40,000." The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man said, "I'll take it!"
The jeweler asked how payment would be made, and the old man said, "By cheque, but I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday to verify funds. I'll pick up the ring on Monday afternoon."
Monday morning, the jeweler called the old man saying, "There's no money in that account!"
The old man said, "I know, but let me tell you about my weekend!"
8) ;D ;D

If ever I am single again.....

8)

[T Dog]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side. He told the jeweler he wanted a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and found a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something much more special."
The jeweler went to his special stock in the safe and brought another ring back. "This one's $40,000." The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man said, "I'll take it!"
The jeweler asked how payment would be made, and the old man said, "By cheque, but I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday to verify funds. I'll pick up the ring on Monday afternoon."
Monday morning, the jeweler called the old man saying, "There's no money in that account!"
The old man said, "I know, but let me tell you about my weekend!"
8) ;D ;D

If ever I am single again.....

8)

C'mon try it out on the Darl...... :o ::) :'( :'(

[tor01doc]

Subject: Fwd: Male Cycle
Male Cycle
(1) When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.
(2) When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.
(3) In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
(4) When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
(5) When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
(6) When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.

[stew42]

For some reason, "cowboy" sounds better than "cowman"...

[SydneyRox]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side. He told the jeweler he wanted a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and found a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something much more special."
The jeweler went to his special stock in the safe and brought another ring back. "This one's $40,000." The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man said, "I'll take it!"
The jeweler asked how payment would be made, and the old man said, "By cheque, but I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday to verify funds. I'll pick up the ring on Monday afternoon."
Monday morning, the jeweler called the old man saying, "There's no money in that account!"
The old man said, "I know, but let me tell you about my weekend!"
8) ;D ;D

If ever I am single again.....

8)

C'mon try it out on the Darl...... :o ::) :'( :'(

Nah, she aint that silly and has access to the bank accounts... might find a way for the cheque not to bounce!!

[T Dog]

Analysis of why the chicken crossed the road...

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.

OPRAH WINFREY: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

[tor01doc]

"Have you ever seen twenty dollars all crumpled up?"...the woman asked her husband.

"No"...said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her
blouse...and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra...and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar note.

He took the crumpled twenty dollar note from her ...and smiled approvingly.

"Have you ever seen fifty dollars all crumpled up?"... she then asked her husband?

"No ..no, I haven't" ...he said (with an anxious tone in his voice).

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer knickers... and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar note.

He took the crumpled fifty dollar note... and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

"Now" ...she said. "Have you ever seen $50,000 all crumpled up?"

"No, never" ...he said (while obviously becoming even more aroused... and excited).

"Well, go and look in the garage!"...she said.

[T Dog]

I can hear music coming out of my printer. I think the paper

[tor01doc]

 ::)  Censored?

[T Dog]

trying again to copy and paste

I can hear music coming out of my printer. I think the papers jammin again.... ;D
lucky really as  somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said: "Parking Fine". So that was nice at least.... 8)

[timmyparso]

A vagina walks into a Bar and asks the Barman for the strongest liquor

[T Dog]

Did you hear about the two bald guys who put their heads together? They made an ass out of themselves!  8)