Jokes

[T Dog]

Its fathers day so....

Dad farts and says, 'speak up Mr Brown, you're through.'
Dad farts and says, 'Better out than in'
Dad farts and says, 'Phew - I'm glad I'm up-wind of that one'
Dad farts and says, 'Ooops, I think I've had a slippage'
'Pull my finger!'
When asking to pass the pepper or salt, Dad will move as though to pass it, then continue his arm in a circle, returning the aforementioned condiment to its original resting place. So the salt has gone past you.
When Dad drops a pea off of his plate 'oh dear I've pee'd on the table!'.
Me: I feel like a sandwich...Dad: Funny, you don't look like one....
When eating mushrooms Dad will always make a remark about how he'd like to eat more but he doesn't have mush room.
"Do you want some food to go with your gravy?"
After a large meal Dad says, "Well that was nice, what's for dinner?"
Me: Please may I leave the table? Dad: And where are you going to leave it?
After a meal Dad says, 'good thing we ate when we did, because I'm not a bit hungry now!'
8)

[Ringo]

Another Fathers Joke

Dad the father of four kids got a special Toy in his McDonalds meal and said I must give this toy to one of the kids.
He had to come up with a way to decide who get's the toy.
He said "I will give the toy to the one who does not argue with your mother and does everything that she asks you to."
To which one of the children said "we give up dad the toy is yours."

[nas]

Old Kev - The tale of a cunning Rooster...:

Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Fred's favourite rooster, old Kev, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Kev's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Fred's amazement, old Kev had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Fred was so proud of old Kev, he entered him in the Brisbane City Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Kev the"No Bell Piece Prize,"but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Kev was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully this coming election, the bells are not always audible

[T Dog]

 A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. He was driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, man," said his partner, "you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!"
;D

[T Dog]

Mother Teresa died and went to heaven.
God greets her at the Pearly Gates.
"Be thou hungry, Mother Teresa?" saith God.
"I could eat," Mother Teresas replies. So God opens a can of tuna and
reaches for a chunk of rye bread and they share it.
While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looks down into Hell
and sees the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants,
pastries and wines. Curious, but deeply trusting, she remains quiet.
The next day God again invites her to join him for a meal.
Again, it is tuna and rye bread. Once again, Mother Teresa can see
the denizens of Hell enjoying caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles and chocolates.
Still she says nothing. The following day, mealtime arrives and
another can of tuna is opened. She can't contain herself any longer.
Meekly, she says:
"God, I am grateful to be in heaven with you as a reward for
the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat
is tuna and a piece of rye bread and in the Other Place they eat like
emperors and kings! I just don't understand..."
God sighs. "Let's look at this realistically, Mother Theresa," He says.
"For just two people, does it pay to cook?"
:o

[T Dog]

An oldie for all you rugby fans...

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'.
He says 'That's all right, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic...Tell me about it'.
She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I was a football player!'.
8)

C'mom Nigey whats going on here?  ;D

[CrowsFan]

The Dog's Diary

  8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
  9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
  9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
  1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
  3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
  5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!
  7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
  8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


The Cat's Diary

Day 983 of My Captivity

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. barbies!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now ...

[McRooster]

Did you hear about the escalating price of Lamb in New Zealand?






It's up to about $20 per hour  ;)

[nas]

Did you hear about the escalating price of Lamb in New Zealand?






It's up to about $20 per hour  ;)

Eww

[CrowsFan]

Did you hear about the escalating price of Lamb in New Zealand?






It's up to about $20 per hour  ;)

Eww

Think you mean Ewe ;)

[nas]

Did you hear about the escalating price of Lamb in New Zealand?






It's up to about $20 per hour  ;)

Eww

Think you mean Ewe ;)

I did Friday itis

[T Dog]

Little Johnny was sitting in his Prep Grade when the teacher asked each of the students what their fathers did for a living.
Mary answered first, "My daddy is a fire fighter! He puts out fires and saves people every day!"
Next, Billy answered "My dads a cop! He has a gun and drives around in a police car with the sirens on!"
Joey who sat next to Billy answered "My dad is a doctor, and everyday he helps sick people."
These common answers all circulated around the room, but Little Johnny would not answer, so the teachers asked him "Johnny, what does your father do?"
Johnny Calmly took a deep breath and said, "My dad works at a bar and takes his clothes off for other men for money, and sometimes if the offer is good enough, he will go to a cheap hotel and sleep with the other man."
The teacher shocked by this, took Johnny aside and asked, "Is that really what your father does!?!"
Johnny replied, "No Miss. My father plays for Richmond. I was just too embarrassed to tell the truth."
;D 8)

[Andy3737]

How do you know Kurt Cobain was using anti-dandruff shampoo?


His head and shoulders were all over the wall

[T Dog]

Bad language warning
But Hitler is not happy about Richmond result.... 8)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cy_w72DuOmc

[T Dog]

I saw a sign at a petrol station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self serve'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit. Now back on FF in the Front Bar.. ::)