Jokes

[T Dog]

Three Guys In A Truck

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Three guys are riding in their truck, drinking beer, having a good ol' time. The driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car so he pulls over. The other two are real nervous, "What do we do with our beers? We're in trouble!" "No," the driver says, "just do this: pull the label off of your beer bottle and stick it to your forehead and let me do the talking." So they all pull the labels off their beer bottles and stick 'em to their foreheads. The policeman walks up and says, "You boys were swerving down the road. Have you been drinking?" The driver says, "Oh, no officer," and points to his forehead, "we're on the patch, trying to quit."
;D

[T Dog]

Fishing

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A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of lilies.

"Tch Tch!" said the passer-by to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help."

So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, "What are you doing, my friend?"

"Fishin', sir."

"Fishin', eh? Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?"

The old man stood put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of beer and a fine cigar.

His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch this morning?"

The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, "You are the sixth today, sir!"  :o

[T Dog]

 FF coaches Nigey, KB and Nails were waiting to tee off when the starter walked up to them and said, "You see that beautiful blonde practicing her putting?"

"Her? Wow, she is beautiful," they all said.

"She's a good golfer," he continued, "and would like to hook up with a group. None of the other groups will play with a wom- an. Can she play with you? She won't hold you up, I promise." They looked at each other and said, "Sure! She can join us." Just as the starter said, the woman played well and kept up. Plus, they kept noticing, she was very attractive.

When they reached the 18th hole, she said that if she sank her 18-footer, she'd break 80 for the first time. "Guys, I'm so excited about breaking 80 that I have to tell you something. I had a great time playing with you. I can tell you all really love golf. I want you to know that I'm single and want to marry a man who loves golf as much as I do. If one of you guys can read this putt correctly and I make it, I'll marry whichever of you was right!"

All three jumped at the opportunity. Nigey looked over the putt and said, "I see it breaking 10 inches left to right." Kilbluff  looked it over from all sides and said, "No, I see it breaking eight inches right to left."
Nails just looked at the woman, looked at the ball, and said, "Pick it up. It's good!"
8)

[T Dog]

A girl phoned me the other day and said .... "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

:'(

[My Chumps]

A girl phoned me the other day and said .... "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

:'(

So I wanked on her couch... :P

[its me lads]

A girl phoned me the other day and said .... "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

:'(

So I wanked on her couch... :P

HAHAHAHA  ;D  ;D

[Vinny]

Hahahaha.

[T Dog]

The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
8)

[T Dog]

Punishment For Gates

Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you.
This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy
and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood,
I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which
you'll be locked up forever.

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor
souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive
coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured
by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which
there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table.
To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation,
Bill says "I'll take this option."

"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"
"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan.
"The bottle has a hole in it!"
"What about the PC?"
"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan.
"And it's missing three keys,"
"Which three?"
"Control, Alt and Delete."
;D

[T Dog]

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.  :o

[T Dog]

Helpful tips from Martha Stewart, and the way you are most likely to do it.
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Martha's way #1:
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

My way:
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for pete's sake, you are probably laying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway. You know we don't have anything better to do.

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Martha's way #2:
Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time.

My way:
Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.

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Martha's way #3:
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

My way:
Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

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Martha's way #4:
To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling.

My way:
Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take the shells off anyway?

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Martha's way #5:
To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.

My way:
Sleep with the lemons in between the mattress and box springs.

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Martha's way #6:
To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet,simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop.

My way:
Eat at Chili's every night and avoid cooking.

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Martha's way #7:
Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.

My way:
Feed your garbage disposal and there won't be any leftovers.

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Martha's way #8:
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

My way:
Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.

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Martha's way #9:
If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up"

My way:
If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too darn bad.

My motto:
I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.

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Martha's way #10:
Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

My way:
Celery? Never heard of the stuff.

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Martha's way #11:
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

My way:
The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I just won't do it.

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Martha's way #12:
Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it.

My Way:
Brown sugar is supposed to be "soft"?

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Martha's way #13:
When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness.

My Way:
The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.

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Martha's way #14:
To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away.

My way:
Eat, cook, or use the egg anyway. If you feel bad later, you will know it wasn't fresh.

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Martha's way #15:
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

My way:
Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can't rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isn't the headache anymore, it is because you are now blind.

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Martha's way #16:
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

My way:
Who has left over wine? Never happens in this house.

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Martha's way #17:
If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

My way:
Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.

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Martha's way #18:
Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.

My way:
Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the anti-bacterial soap in the handy dispenser next to my sink.
8)

[T Dog]

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men.
Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
-- Tiger Woods

[McRooster]

What is the collective noun for a group of drug cheats?



A Hird.

[Ringo]

What is the collective noun for a group of drug cheats?



A Hird.

didn't take long  ;D ;D

[Vinny]

Hahaha nice one M !

Man, this thread is so damn good.

Well done to all, especially TDog leading the pack ;) Keep it up man.