Jokes

[T Dog]

Objects (Are they male or female?)

Tyre - male, because it goes bald and often is overinflated.
Sponges - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
Hammer - male, because it hasen't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
Kidneys - female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
Ziplock Bags - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
Web Page - female, because it is always getting hit on.
Shoe - male, because it is usually unpolished, with it's tongue hanging out.
Remote Control - female, because it gives men pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
Swiss Army Knife - male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of it's time just opening bottles.
Copier - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up, it is an effective reproduction device when the right buttons are pushed, and because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
Hot Air Balloon - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and of course, there's the hot air part.
Hourglass - female, because over time the weight shifts to the bottom.
Subway - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
8)

[T Dog]

A Cat Heaven

One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to Heaven. There he meets the Lord himself. The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know."

The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor." The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to Heaven. Again the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer, "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?" The Lord says, "Say no more," and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.

About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him in a deep sleep on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you arrived?"

The cat stretches and yawns and replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending by are theeeeeeee best!!!"
:)

[T Dog]

Whats the difference between St Kilda and a Bra......
A bra actually has support and 2 cups
  :o

[Vinny]

Whats the difference between St Kilda and a Bra......
A bra actually has support and 2 cups
  :o

AHAHHAAHAH SO GOOOOOD

[My Chumps]

Hahaha, yep, that is gold.

[T Dog]

Cricket Explained

You have two sides one out in the field and one in .
Each man that's in the side that's in goes out and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out .

When they are all out the side that's out comes in and the side that's been in goes out and tries to get those coming in out .

Sometimes you get men still in and not out .

When both sides have been in and out including the not outs , THAT'S THE END OF THE GAME !

HOWZAT !!!!!
8)

[henry]

Cricket Explained

You have two sides one out in the field and one in .
Each man that's in the side that's in goes out and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out .

When they are all out the side that's out comes in and the side that's been in goes out and tries to get those coming in out .

Sometimes you get men still in and not out .

When both sides have been in and out including the not outs , THAT'S THE END OF THE GAME !

HOWZAT !!!!!
8)

Haha love this one, it's a good way to explain the game to a foreign visiter  :P

[T Dog]

Spelling Errors and Wrong Notes - San Francisco

A man walked into the downtown Bank of America and on the back of
a deposit slip wrote, "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag."
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, the man
began to worry that someone may have seen him write the note and
might call the police before he could reach the teller.

So, the criminal left the Bank of America and walked across to the
street to Wells Fargo. After waiting in line for several minutes there,
he handed his note to a teller. After reading it, the teller determined
that this robber was perhaps a few sandwiches short of a picnic.

She told him that because his note was written on a Bank of America
deposit slip, she could not honor his demand. He would either have to
fill out a Wells Fargo withdrawal slip or go back to the Bank of America.

Feeling defeated, the man said he understood and left. The Wells Fargo
teller promptly called the police, who arrested the man a few minutes
later--still waiting in line at the Bank of America.
;D

[T Dog]

: How many WWF wrestlers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Three. One to yank the old bulb out, throw it on the floor, try and jump onto it from a great height, and act real surprised when it rolls out of the way at the last minute, one to pretend to twist the new one in round and round so far it almost breaks, and some guy in a black and white stripey uniform whose function is never made quite clear to protest about something or other, to the complete indifference of the bulb changers.
8)

[nas]

Daffy Duck checks into a hotel. He phones the reception & asks for a condom.

The reception lady says "Shall I put that on your bill"?

Daffy Duck replies "Are you thupid, I'll thuffficate!"

[T Dog]

In a far-off eastern country, the game of cricket was the most popular sport.

Everybody played it, even the royal family. But one day, the king died and a new king took his place. The new king hated cricket and outlawed it, so all the games had to be abandoned.

It was a case of "REIGN" stopping play.  :o

[T Dog]

Milk Bath

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. So she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons so he knocked on her door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it Pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs, I can splash it in my eyes."
:o :o

[T Dog]

   Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Sydney. The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus and the blonde team rides on the top level.
      The brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs, so she decides to go up and investigate.
      When the brunette reaches the top, she finds all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road and clutching the seats in front of them. They all have white knuckles.
      The brunette asks, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"
      One of the blondes looks up and says to her, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"
8)

[T Dog]

A blonde was driving home after work, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm.
Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.
The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun.
He told her to just go home and blow into the tailpipe really hard,
and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe.
Nothing happened.
She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said,
"What are you doing?"
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her
to blow into the tailpipe in order to get the dents to pop out.

Her roommate rolled her eyes and said,
..."HELLLLOOOO!!!
You need to roll up the windows."
;D

[T Dog]

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St.Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said "I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Ah, yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust. And finally,
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous."
"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."
8)