Jokes

[T Dog]

Thanks Henry  8)

[T Dog]

WARNING TO MEN:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Police warn all clubbers, partygoers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A new date rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men.

The drug is usually found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans from taps and in large "kegs". "Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.>
Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sex with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking "beer" men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship". It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage". Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. However if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory woman administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.
;D

[My Chumps]

Hahaha, classics guys. I love anti-jokes.

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
The Holocaust.

[GoLions]

WARNING TO MEN:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Police warn all clubbers, partygoers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A new date rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men.

The drug is usually found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans from taps and in large "kegs". "Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.>
Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sex with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking "beer" men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship". It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage". Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. However if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory woman administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.
;D

I think it's reasonable enough to say that you get a cheer  ;D

[GoLions]

What's funnier than cancer?
Everything.

A bear walked into a bar. Several people got up and left as they spotted the potential danger in the situation.

Why did the catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.

An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree, watching a farmer go by. The owl turns to the squirrel and says nothing, because owls can't talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it's a bird of prey.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs water skiing? 
I dont know, but that sounds like a highly improbable circumstance.

A duck walks into a bar. The bartender says, "What'll it be?" The duck doesn't say anything because it's a duck.

[Holz]

What's funnier than cancer?
Everything.

A bear walked into a bar. Several people got up and left as they spotted the potential danger in the situation.

Why did the catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.

An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree, watching a farmer go by. The owl turns to the squirrel and says nothing, because owls can't talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it's a bird of prey.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs water skiing? 
I dont know, but that sounds like a highly improbable circumstance.

A duck walks into a bar. The bartender says, "What'll it be?" The duck doesn't say anything because it's a duck.

Not sure why but that second last one is the only joke on here that made me lol

[T Dog]

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.
Ethel noticed something funny about Mable's ear and said,
"Mable, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

Mable answered, "I have? A suppository?"
She pulled it out and stared at it.

Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing.
Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."
:o

[specky92]

What's funnier than cancer?
Everything.

A bear walked into a bar. Several people got up and left as they spotted the potential danger in the situation.

Why did the catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.

An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree, watching a farmer go by. The owl turns to the squirrel and says nothing, because owls can't talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it's a bird of prey.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs water skiing? 
I dont know, but that sounds like a highly improbable circumstance.

A duck walks into a bar. The bartender says, "What'll it be?" The duck doesn't say anything because it's a duck.

Not sure why but that second last one is the only joke on here that made me lol

2nd one and 4th one got me,   ;D

[T Dog]

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their ass.
I thought the results were pretty interesting:
85% of women think their ass is too big...
10% of women think their ass is too little...
The other 5% say that they don't care --
they love him and would have married him anyway.
;D

[T Dog]

A Bad Day

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say,..."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
>:(

[T Dog]

Hormone-ology

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The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his own hands.

This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other.

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.

Pass this onto all of your hormonal friends and those who might need a good laugh! Or men who need a warning! And remember: Money talks... but chocolate sings!
8)

[GoLions]

Hormone-ology

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his own hands.

This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other.

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.

Pass this onto all of your hormonal friends and those who might need a good laugh! Or men who need a warning! And remember: Money talks... but chocolate sings!
8)

Ahaha omfg, I love that  ;D

[T Dog]

My Two Brothers

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?"
The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.
The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.
The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.
Every week the man came in and ordered three beers.
Then one week he came in and ordered only two.
He drank them and then ordered two more.
The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."
The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine----I just quit drinking."
:o

[T Dog]

Things You Wish You Could Say At Work

Ahhh... I see the f--k-up fairy has visited us again...
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
How about never? Is never good for you?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh-t.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
No, my powers can only be used for good.
You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.
Who me? I just wander from room to room.
And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?
Do I look like a people person?
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
You!... Off my planet!
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
A PBS mind in an MTV world.
Allow me to introduce my selves.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Chaos, panic, and disorder... my work here is done.
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.  8)

[T Dog]

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn, she rolled the dice and landed on "Science & Nature".
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time, and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
;D