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Started by benjy251090, September 27, 2010, 12:55:53 AM

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T Dog

#1140
May 30, 2013, 08:37:00 AM
News Flash - - -
"Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive. No further testing is planned." 8)

T Dog

#1141
May 31, 2013, 10:28:07 AM
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
      The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it."
      A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
      "And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."  :o

nas

#1142
May 31, 2013, 08:26:36 PM
Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat.
The first kid says, "My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bed."
The second kid replies, "Yeah? Well, that's nothing.
My dad is so scared that when my mom has to work the night shift, he sleeps with the woman next door."

T Dog

#1143
June 01, 2013, 08:52:15 PM
Rodney  Dangerfield qotes...

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met!
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
A girl phoned me the other day and said .... "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
I drink too much. Last time I gave a urine sample there was an olive in it.
With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.
"I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know."
"Its lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom."
"My wife was afraid of the dark, saw me naked, now she's afraid of the light!"
"I told my doctor that when I woke up in the morning I couldn't stand looking at myself in the mirror. He said, 'At least we know your vision is perfect.'"
I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
8)

T Dog

#1144
June 03, 2013, 11:21:23 AM
Definitions Male/Female

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
a. female...Any part under a car's hood.
b. male...The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
a. female...Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
b. male...Playing any sport without a "cup."

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
a. female...The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
b. male...Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

4. BUTT (but) n.
a. female...The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
b. male...What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.

5. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n
a. female...A desire to get married and raise a family.
b. male...Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

6. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
a. female...A good movie, concert, play or book.
b. male...Anything that can be done while drinking.

7. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
a. female...An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
b. male...An endless source of entertainment, self-expression, and male bonding.

8. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
a. female...The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
b. male...Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

9. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
a. female...A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
b. male...A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 2 1/2 minutes.

10. FOOTBALL (fut-bol) n.
a. female...An annoying 6 month long competition for a partner's attention.
b. male...6 months off from spending time with what's her name.
;D

T Dog

#1145
June 04, 2013, 08:37:39 AM
A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven.
There are some criteria before entry is allowed.
For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No?
St. Peter told him that's bad.
Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No?
St. Peter told him that that too was bad.
Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No?
St. Peter was becoming concerned. Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime.
Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!"

The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her
surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving
her around, taunting and abusing her. I got so mad I threw my bags down,
fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet.
I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable,
cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face".

"Wow", said Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"?
"Oh, about 10 minutes ago", replied the man.
8)

T Dog

#1147
June 04, 2013, 08:31:46 PM
Keep going LaHug Meister.....100 is a great effort..lol.. 8)

GoLions

#1149
June 05, 2013, 02:59:42 PM
Don't know if this has been mentioned yet, as there are a LOT of jokes posted already, but does anyone else like anti-jokes? My personal favourite is:
A man walks into a bar. He is an alcoholic and it is ruining his family.

Holz

#1150
June 05, 2013, 03:11:34 PM
Quote from: GoLions16 on June 05, 2013, 02:59:42 PM
Don't know if this has been mentioned yet, as there are a LOT of jokes posted already, but does anyone else like anti-jokes? My personal favourite is:
A man walks into a bar. He is an alcoholic and it is ruining his family.

why did the boy fall off this swing ---  because his mum threw a fridge at him.

just soo random i had to laugh

GoLions

#1151
June 05, 2013, 03:23:51 PM
Quote from: Holzman on June 05, 2013, 03:11:34 PM
Quote from: GoLions16 on June 05, 2013, 02:59:42 PM
Don't know if this has been mentioned yet, as there are a LOT of jokes posted already, but does anyone else like anti-jokes? My personal favourite is:
A man walks into a bar. He is an alcoholic and it is ruining his family.

why did the boy fall off this swing ---  because his mum threw a fridge at him.

just soo random i had to laugh
That reminds me of another.

Why did Sarah fall off the swing?
Because she had no arms.

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Not Sarah.

SydneyRox

#1152
June 05, 2013, 04:17:30 PM
What has two legs and bleeds?? Half a dog?

Two men walked into a bar, which is funny cos the second one should have ducked.

What do you call an man Italian with a false toe? Roberto

What do you call a Greek man falling out of a plane? Condescending

;D ;D

T Dog

#1153
June 05, 2013, 08:50:44 PM
i found a few...

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
A pessimist's blood type is always B-negative.
My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum  Blownapart.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root  canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Two hydrogen atoms meet.  One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
And then there was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
;D

henry

#1154
June 05, 2013, 08:59:34 PM
Quote from: T Dog on June 05, 2013, 08:50:44 PM
i found a few...

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
A pessimist's blood type is always B-negative.
My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum  Blownapart.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root  canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Two hydrogen atoms meet.  One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
And then there was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
;D
Some of your best in here mate, loved them! Gave you a cheer for your good work  ;)
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