Jokes

[T Dog]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the
bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts
her Lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there
already. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it
is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy
it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the closet together. Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I
have a baseball glove." The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,
"How much?" Boy - "$750" Man - "Sold."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go
outside and have a game of catch. The boy says, "I can't, I sold my
baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy -"$1,000" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends
like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take
you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father
makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that shower
again, you're in my closet now."
;D ;D

[T Dog]

10 Reasons Not To Jog
1.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now & we don't know where the heck she is.

2.
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

3.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

4.
I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

5.
I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

6.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

7.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

8.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

9.
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

10.
I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

8)

[BratPack]

[T Dog]

No Excuse !!
It seems that four very low-handicapped players were playing their normal course. Unusually, the play was very slow and the players began to get frustrated. By the tenth hole, they began firing their tee shots at the foursome ahead of them, who were constantly in the woods and were the root cause of the slow play. Finally, the good foursome finished their round, coming in just under eight hours. After spotting the slow group in the clubhouse, they went right after them, swearing their asses off. The club pro saw this spectacle and pulled aside the guys. He said: ``Didn't you know that the foursome ahead of you are all *blind*; they're taking part in a special event.'' After hearing this, the foursome immediately had a change of heart. The first one said, ``Just to show how sorry I am, I'll pay for their green fees.'' The second replied, ``And I'll pay for their carts.'' Predictably, the third member said, ``Whatever food and drinks they want, I'll pay for them.'' The club pro considered their acts very gracious and, turning to the fourth member, said: ``And what are you going to do for them?'' The golfer, still noticeably upset, retorted,

``flower them, they could have played last night!''

[T Dog]

A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying:

"NERDS NOT ALLOWED -- ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK" He goes in and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils stashed in his pocket protector, and a belt at least a foot too long.

The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that.

The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license, he said.

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident,and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."

"Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."

8)

[T Dog]

A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in shower up to their necks. The guy says "no, let me see the next room." In the second room, people are standing with shower up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with shower up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries. The guy says, "I pick this room." Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, "O.K., coffee break's over. Everyone back on your heads!"  :o

[My Chumps]

Best one yet!

[Capper]

Heard this one the other day, absolute cracker......



Why couldn't Stevie Wonder see his friends?

Because he was married

[McRooster]

What's the difference between Caroline Wilson's person and a deflated Sherrin?










Eventually if you tried hard enough you could eat the Sherrin!

[T Dog]

What's the difference between Caroline Wilson's person and a deflated Sherrin?
Eventually if you tried hard enough you could eat the Sherrin!

oh dear... ::) ::) ::)

[nas]

What's the difference between Caroline Wilson's person and a deflated Sherrin?
Eventually if you tried hard enough you could eat the Sherrin!

oh dear... ::) ::) ::)

Lot of AIR either way!!!

[T Dog]

A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring run....run! The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya barbie, r-run will ya!" A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya barbie, r-r-run will ya!" The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up yelling "R-r-run ya barbie, r-r-run!" All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whisper, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls." After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!"  8)

[T Dog]

A blind guy walks into a bar and sits at the bar, after a while he starts chatting to the bartender and he says "hey I've got the funniest joke about Carlton Supporters", the bartender says "I'll stop you there mate, obviously you can't see, but I'm a semi-pro kicker boxer, just doing bar work until i get a few more wins under my belt, the bloke sitting next to you, he's a mate of mine from kick boxing, and the two bouncers by the door, who are in ear shot, they are both power lifters and Karate black belts. Now all four of us barrack for the Blues. With that in mind do you really want to tell your joke?"
the Blind guy thinks about it for a second and says "no way, not if I'm going to have to explain it 4 times"
;D ;D

[nas]

 An  Irishman went to confession in St. Patrick’s Catholic Church ..
'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession.
I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'
Soon thereafter another Irish man entered the  confessional.
'Father, it has been two months since my last confession.
I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie  Green?'
'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest. ‘Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary.
The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize  she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered ,
'Is that Nookie Green?'
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but calmly replied,
'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'..

[T Dog]

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex."
8)