Jokes

[T Dog]

For all you readers out there..these new Dr Seuss books have been rejected..

The Cat in the Blender
Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
Fox in Detox
Who Shat in the Hat?
Horton Hires a Ho
The Flesh-Eating Lorax
How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
Your Colon Can Moo---Can You?
Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
One dog, Two dog, Dead dog, Blue dog
Marvin K. Mooney, Get the F*%# Out!
Are You My Proctologist?
Yentl the Lentil
My Pocket Rocket Needs A Socket
Aunts in My Pants
Oh, the Places You'll Scratch and Sniff!
Horton Fakes an Orgasm
The Grinch's Ten Inches
Green Cheese & Spam
Who Flung Goo on Betty Sue?
Come On I Wanna Lay Ya
Russell the One-Eyed Love Muscle
Please Cane Us in the Anus
Blow Blow Til You See it Grow
Feel It, Find It, Pick It, Flick It
Horton Hears His Neighbors In Bed

8)

[T Dog]

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas Party. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:

“Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian”

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, “Son… What happened last night?”
“Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??”
His son replies, “Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, “Leave me alone, I’m married!!”

Broken Coffee Table $239.99 Hot Breakfast $4.20 Two Aspirins $.38 Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!
8)

[T Dog]

These three friends all die at the same time and end up at the pearly gates where Albert Einstein is waiting for them. The first chap approached and Alby asks him,

"What is your IQ, my good man?"

"250" the chap replies.

"Ah excellent. We can participate in meaningful and articulate discussions with my mates Plato and Newton about the Theory of Relativity, Chaos Theory, Astrophysics and the Theory of Everything. We will have much to discuss. You may enter."

The second fellow approached the gate and Albert asks him the same question.

"150" was the reply.

"Ah good. We can discuss the fascinating subjects of History, Philosophy, Economics and Sociology. We will have much to discuss. You may enter."

The third chap approaches the gate nervously.

"Now my good man, what is your IQ?"

"50" the third man replies sheepishly. To which Alby's response was ....

"How about those Pies, hey?"
8)

[DT Gun]

These three friends all die at the same time and end up at the pearly gates where Albert Einstein is waiting for them. The first chap approached and Alby asks him,

"What is your IQ, my good man?"

"250" the chap replies.

"Ah excellent. We can participate in meaningful and articulate discussions with my mates Plato and Newton about the Theory of Relativity, Chaos Theory, Astrophysics and the Theory of Everything. We will have much to discuss. You may enter."

The second fellow approached the gate and Albert asks him the same question.

"150" was the reply.

"Ah good. We can discuss the fascinating subjects of History, Philosophy, Economics and Sociology. We will have much to discuss. You may enter."

The third chap approaches the gate nervously.

"Now my good man, what is your IQ?"

"50" the third man replies sheepishly. To which Alby's response was ....

"How about those Pies, hey?"
8)

"pin thumps into ground and echoes through the state"

[Cicjose]

my dream team

[SydneyRox]

my dream team

my DT choices and not paying 100% attn

[DT Gun]

Just visualize this..

Stuck an Easter egg up my nose to be funny..

Got stuck...

Tried to blow it out bushman style...

The egg shot out but i had diarrhea all over my grandmas white couch in front of my whole family...

Stoop up...

Passed out onto couch..

Woke up licking nutella off of my face, was so strange cos i dont remember having any nutella

[T Dog]

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman Pinscher and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar and get something to drink."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead." They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing Eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Doberman pinscher?" The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."

The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

The lady with the Chihuahua figured convincing him a Chihuahua was a seeing eye dog may be too far fetched, but thought "what the heck", so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing Eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"

The woman with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a flowerin' Chihuahua???!!"
8)

[Capper]

my dream team

my DT choices and not paying 100% attn

+1 including going on a lads weekend on friday morning and not updating my team and scoring very low

[T Dog]

Q:What's the difference between a crap golfer and a crap skydiver?

A: A crap golfer goes...Smack! Oh crap! and a crap skydiver goes...Oh crap! Smack!

8)

[T Dog]

The phone rings at FBI headquarters. “Hello?”. “I’m calling to report my neighbor. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood.”
“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”
The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.

The phone rings at the neighbors house. Hey, Adrian, did the FBI come?”

“Yep.”
“Did they chop your firewood?”
“Yep.”
“Great, now it’s your turn to call. I need my lawn mowed.”
8)

[T Dog]

A man and a woman were married for 40 years. When they first got married the man said, “I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it.” In all their 40 years of marriage the woman never looked.

However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer bottles and $1954.25 in small bills. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.

That evening they were out for a special dinner at their favorite restaurant. After dinner the woman could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, “I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the bottles in the box?”

The man thought for a while and said, “I guess after all these wonderful years you deserve to know the truth: Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer bottle in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.”

The woman was shocked, but said, “I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen. And I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years.” They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later, the woman asked the man, “Why do you have all that money in the box?” To which the man answered, “Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in.”

;D ;D

[Nails]

Here's a joke:

Who's really bad at jokes?

Answer: T Dog

hahahaha just joking T Dog is awesome at jokes.

[nas]

A priest, a minister and a rabbi want to see who's best at his job. So they go into the woods, and they find a bear, and they try to convert it to their particular religion.

Later, they get together, and the priest says, "Well, when I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water."

And the minister says, "Well, I found a bear by the stream. I preached God's holy word to him. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptise him."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying on a gurney in a body cast.

"What happened?" they asked.

The rabbi replied, "I never should have started with the circ*mcision."

[nas]

"Late again!" the third-grade teacher sternly said to little Ranger.

"It ain't my fault this time, Miss Russell. You can blame this 'un on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!"

Now, Miss Russell had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Ranger what he meant by that. Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Ranger and trouble were old friends,...... but he always told her the truth.

"You see, Miss Russell, out at the farm we got this here low down fox. The last few nights, he done ate six hens. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his double barreledshot gun and said to my Ma, "That fox is back again... I'm a gonna git him!'' "Stay back," Daddy whispered to all us kids!

"My Daddy was naked as a jaybird -- no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck that double-barreled 12-gauge shot gun through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with a fox on his mind, our old hound dog, Rip, had done gone and woke up and comes sneaking up behind
Daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip done went and stuck his cold nose in my Daddy's crack!"

"Miss Russell, we all been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin!"