Jokes

[T Dog]

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his throat to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer.

One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
8)

[T Dog]

Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped a card on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table as he tried to rise. He emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"

Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested.

She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and as John doesn't, he should be at her house around 2 PM. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John then quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"

With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by a few minutes this afternoon."

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"

In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out. But she had to play her hand out. After mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500".

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

  ;D

[T Dog]

During a visit to a mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was that defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub; then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.

"No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed by the wall or near the window?"

::)

[T Dog]

We were sitting in a fine restaurant when my wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.

I said "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"

"Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."

I said, "That's remarkable, I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."

She hasn't spoken to me since - did I say something wrong?
>:(

[T Dog]

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly:
"I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to, " his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know," she replied, "now just rest and let the poison work."

:o

[T Dog]

Toward the end of the golf course, Harry somehow managed to
hit his ball into the woods finding it in a patch of pretty
yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he
ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old
woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know
how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for
that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of
your life; better still; you won't have any butter for your
toast for the rest of your life.....as a matter of fact, you
won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"
Then POOF! - she was gone.

After Harry got a hold of himself, he hollered for his
friend, Fred. "Fred, where are you?" Fred yells back, "I'm
over here, in the personwillow."

Harry yells back......"DON'T SWING FRED!!!" "For God sake,
DON'T SWING!!" 8)

[T Dog]

Many people are unaware how much the ability to spell correctly is overrated.

Olny srmat poelpe can raed tihs.

cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
8)

[Bill Manspeaker]

lmao all gold T Dog 8)

my favourite.. ;D

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his throat to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer.

One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
8)

[T Dog]

thanks Brad   ;D

Q. Did you hear about the new magazine for MARRIED MEN published by Playboy?

A. It has the same pictures month after month after month after month after month...

8)

[T Dog]

An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby.  It was so far out there was no electricity.  When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child.  The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so.

The mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.  The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.  "Spank him again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place."

8)

[nas]

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,“I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says.
“We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

Franticaly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!”

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow  Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'

[nas]

A girl brings a guy home one night. They get into her apartment and immediately she suggests that they do "69". "What the hell is that?" asks the guy. Realizing he's inexperienced, she tries to explain, "I put my head between your legs and you put your head between mine." Still not knowing what she's talking about, but not wanting to ruin the moment he agrees to try it. The second they get in to the position, she lets go a RIP-ROARING fart. "What was that for?" he asks. "Oooopppps! Sorry, lets try it again." she says. So, they get into position again, and once more she lets one loose. The guy gets up and starts to put his coat on. "Wait, where are you going?" she asks. The guy says, " If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy !!!!!

[nas]

A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots  the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the  fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has  noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up  right now.
As she turns back, there standing next to her, is a salesman. "Good  day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely  vehicle?"
He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shower when you hear the price."

[nas]

Little Johnny Came Down For Breakfast One Morning And Asked His Grandma.

Little Johnny: “Where’s Mom And Dad?”

Grandma Replied: “They’re Up In Bed”

So The Little Johnny Started To Giggle And Ate His Breakfast And Went Out To Play.

Then He Came Back In For Lunch And Asked His Grandma.

Little Johnny: “Where’s Mom And Dad?”

Grandma Replied: “They’re Still Up In Bed”

And The Little Johnny Started To Giggle And He Ate His Lunch And Went Out To Play.

Then The Little Johnny Came In For Dinner And Once Again He Asked His Grandma.

Little Johnny: “Where’s Mom And Dad?”

Grandma Replied: “They’re Still Up In Bed”

And The Little Johnny Started To Laugh And His Grandmother Asked.

Grandmother: “What Give’s? Every Time I Tell You They’re Still Up In Bed You Start To Laugh! What Is Going On Here? ”

The Little Johnny Replied: “Well Last Night Daddy Came Into My Bedroom And Asked Me For The Vaseline And I Gave Him Super Glue Instead“

[T Dog]

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.

At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

NOW --------

Enough of that shower . . .

The donkey later came back and bit the shower out of the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.  8)