Jokes

[T Dog]

Did you hear about the magic tractor?

It drove down the road and turned into a field.
>:(

[T Dog]

Awful jokes - but I bet you will laugh at at least one

;D ;D ;D

Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble.
  Unfortunately, one was a salted.
  ______________
A jump lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
  ______________
  Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
  The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
______________
  Two cannibals are eating a clown.
  One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
  ______________
Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doctor.
  The Doctor says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
  ______________
  "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
  "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
  "Is it common?"
"Well........It's not unusual........."
  ______________
  A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts.
  The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
______________
  Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
  One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
  The other says, "Are you sure?"
  The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."
  ______________
  Answer phone message:
  "If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
  ______________
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed,
is there anything you can do for him? "
  "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."
  So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
  Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
  "What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
  "No, because he's really heavy."
  ______________
  Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
  And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
  It's either my mum or my dad.
  Or my older brother Colin.
  Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
  But I think it's Colin.
  ______________
  I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.
  ______________
  My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
  He was pulled in by a strong currant.
  ______________
  A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
  He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
  The doctor replied,"I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"
  ______________
  I went to a really energetic "Seafood Disco" last week and pulled a
  mussel.
  ______________
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire
in
  the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
  kayak and heat it too.
  ______________
A man walks into a doctor's office.
  "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
"It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises," replies the man.
  "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove."
______________
  Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
hundreds and thousands.
  Police say that he topped himself.

8) 8)

[nas]

Gynecologist's A ssistant......

A man went to Macquarie Street in Sydney having seen an ad for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.  Naturally interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read;

"The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynaecologist. "

"You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination."

"The annual salary is $65,000, and if you're interested you'll have to go to Newcastle "

" My God, is that where the job is?" asked the man.

She answered:

"No, that's where the end of the queue is."

[nas]

 Attn Grazz!!!!
                            MAKING IT STIFF!

To make it Stand,
You Wet it !
To make it Wet,
You Suck it !
To make it Stiff,
You Lick it !
To Get It In,
You Push it!

Damn!!!!

Threading a Needle when you're AN OLD FART is a dog.

[nas]

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."

On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"Seventeen people? That's wonderful How did you do it? "

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"

"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your as*hole before prison.

[nas]

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

[nas]

Three Rats wanted to Spend the Night in the Bathroom.They were discussing where they were going to sleep.
The first rat says: "I think I'll sleep in the bathtub. It's nice and roomy and seems to be well protected."
The second rat decides to sleep in the sink: "This is a smaller version of the bathtub, and will work just as well for me." The third rat decides he's going to sleep in the toilet: "This area seems to come with it's own water supply and is much better protected than any of the other sleeping spots."

The next morning the rats wake up and ask each other how they slept.
The first rat says he slept fine, quite well rested.
The second rat says he slept very well too, although a bit of water dripped on his head.
The third rat is dark eyed and haggard, not to mention soaked through to the bone. "You fellas aren't going to believe my night.
I was sleeping fine with my toes dangling in the cool water and it started raining!
Then it got dark and started thundering,&  if it weren't for that log I would have drowned!"

[T Dog]

A few more groaners:

What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.

I love pressing F5. It's so refreshing.

Me and my recliner go way back.

What did Dr. Dre say when 50 Cent gave him a sweater? Gee, you knit?

I've thought long and hard, and have decided on my New Year's resolution. It's 1024x768.

My internet bride got delivered today, she's the WiFi always dreamed of.

So, I hear reincarnation is making a comeback.
8) 8)

[T Dog]

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Carlton fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Carlton fans too.

Not really knowing what an Carlton fan is, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands fly into the air. There is, however, one exception. A little girl has not gone along with the crowd.

The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

"Because I'm not an Carlton fan," she retorts.

"Then," asks her teacher, "what are you?"

"I'm a proud Collingwood Fan," boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks the little girl why she is a Pies fan.

"Well, my Dad and Mom are Pies fans, so I'm a Pies fan too," she responds.

The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your Mom was a moron and your Dad was an idiot. What would you be then?"

"Oh," says the little girl. "Well, then I'd be an Carlton fan."
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

[T Dog]

A commercial traveller was driving through the Scottish Highlands when his car broke down. There was a cottage near by so he went up to it and knocked on the door. The door opened to reveal a burly Highlander.

"My car has conked out," said the traveller, "Where can I spend the night?"

"Why, right here of course!" said the Scot, "Come in and avail yourself of our world famous hospitality."

The traveller duly entered the humble but cosy residence."Jeannie," shouted the host in the direction of the kitchen, and in response to his call his beautiful daughter appeared. "Jeannie, make a meal for the gentleman and remember to uphold our great tradition of Highland hospitality." The traveller was soon tucking into an appetizing meal, the girl had indeed spared no effort to extend Highland hospitality to the guest.

"And now," said the Highlander, "I'm afraid I must go out and milk the cows, but just make yourself at home and take full advantage of our world famous Highland hospitality."

No sooner had the door closed behind him than the traveller set about seducing the lovely daughter. In no time at all he had her on floor and was on the job.

Suddenly the door opened and there stood the Highlander. He took one look at what was going on and his face turned purple with rage. He dropped his two buckets of milk with a crash and gave verbal vent to his wrath.

"After all I have been saying about the Highland hospitality," he roared, "Arch your back woman, and take the poor man's balls off the cold floor."
8)

[T Dog]

An old Italian woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City office building.
A young and beautiful woman, smelling like expensive perfume, gets into the elevator. She turns to the old Italian woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"
A couple of floors later, another young and beautiful woman, smelling like expensive perfume, gets into the elevator. She turns to the old Italian woman and says arrogantly, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"
Three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destination. As she exits the elevator, she peers at both women, bends over and farts, then bellows, "Broccoli, 49 cents a kilo!"
:o

[T Dog]

Last night, I went with some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around I saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired a consulting firm to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed! I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant... That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the end of our "you know what," we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

"Hhmmm...After you get it out, how do you put it back?" I asked.

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others... but I use the spoon."
8)

[T Dog]

One of my friends is a really hardcore raver. She keeps trying to make me rave with her, and she won't techno for an answer.  :o

[T Dog]

When you have had one of those TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT days, try this. On your way home after work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the section where they have thermometers. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by *Q-Tip. Be very sure that you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package containing the thermometer and remove the thermometer and carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Take the written material that accompanies the thermometer and as you read it you will notice in small print the statement that *every rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip is PERSONALLY tested. Now close your eyes and say out loud five times, "I am so glad that I do not work in quality control at the Q-Tip Company."
:o

[FisherSaints]

There was an American family, from Texas, who had never been to the city or been in a building.

One day, they went into the city. They came inside a building that had a elevator. They just stared at it not knowing what it was. They saw people go in and people come out but the had no idea where they went.

The day and son kept looking at it while the mum and daughter looked around. They saw an ugly lady go into the elevator and a beautiful lady come out. The dad stared then said "Boy go git your mamma"