Jokes

[tor01doc]

Epileptic fish is gold!

[T Dog]

What do you call a chicken that likes meringue?

A cannibal.  ;D

[nas]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finallypulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'

[nas]

1. F***ing once a week is good for your health, but it's harmful if done every day.

2. F***ing relaxes your mind and body.

3.. F***ing refreshes you.

4. After F***ing, don't eat too much; go for more liquids.

5. Try f***ing in bed 'cause it can save you valuable energy.

6. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol levels.

SO, REMEMBER


Fasting is good for your health

[nas]

Dave was staring sadly into his beer and sighed heavily.
"What's up Dave?" asked the bartender. "It's not like you to be so down in the mouth."
"It's my five-year-old son, Little Johnny" the man replied.
"Don't tell me, he's in trouble for fighting in school? My boy's just the same. Forget about it; it happens to boys that age," said the bartender sympathetically.
"I only wish it was that," answered Dave, "but it's much worse. "He got our 16-year-old baby sitter pregnant."
"That's impossible!" gasped the bartender.
"No, it's not." said Dave."The little ar***ole stuck a pin in all my condoms."

[nas]

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,
        Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate. The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note

Dear Sir,
        Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part. The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint
A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company  with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,
        Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your ar*e and go as a toffee apple.

[nas]

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a check-up, only to find out that she's pregnant.

She is furious...

Here she is -- in the  middle of dealing with thisLibyan mess -- now this has happened to her!

She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming:

"You barbie! How could you have let this happen?  With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant!  How could you? I can't  believe this!  I've just found out I'm five weeks pregnant and it's all your fault
!
Well, what have you got to say?"

There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.

She screams again, "Did you hear me?"

Finally, she hears Bill's very very quiet voice, in abarely audible whisper:  "Who's speaking?"

[nas]

The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town church in Ireland..

One day he was walking down the High Street and he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.

The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.  'Mrs Fitzgerald,' he said sternly.  'This is no place for a member of my congregation.  Why don't you let me take you home?'

'Sure,' she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.  When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave  back and forth.

The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her.  When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.  After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top Of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.  The pub landlord looked over and said, 'Oi Mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub.'

The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, 'But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps.'

The landlord nodded and said,

'Oh  well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish.'

[nas]

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street.. One of them turned to the other and said,

'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'!!

[T Dog]

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right   again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a dog on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!" 8)

[T Dog]

A guy walked out to get his mail in the morning. He turns around and there is a gorilla. So he runs back inside, opens the yellow pages, finds the only gorilla exterminator in town, and calls him.
The exterminator arrives in a little truck towing a cage. The exterminator has a ladder, a gun, and a dog. The guy says, "How are you going to get the gorilla off my roof?"
"I am going to put the ladder up against the side of the house, get up there, wrestle the gorilla, and toss him off the side of the house. When the gorilla hits the ground, the dog is trained to grab the gorilla by his balls and drag him into the cage."
"What is the gun for then?"
"If the gorilla throws me off the roof first, shoot the dog before I hit the ground!"
;D

[T Dog]

“Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?
“Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”
“What sort of trouble?”
“Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”
“Went away?”
“They disappeared.”
“Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?”
“Nothing.”
“Nothing?”
“It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”
“Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?”
“How do I tell?”
“Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?”
“What’s a sea-prompt?”
“Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?”
“There isn’t any cursor, I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”
“Does your monitor have a power indicator?”
“What’s a monitor?”
“It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?”
“Yes, I think so.”
“Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.”
“…….Yes, it is.”
“When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?”
“No.”
“Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.”
“…….Okay, here it is.”
“Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.”
“I can’t reach.”
“Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?”
“No.”
“Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”
“Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle â€" it’s because it’s dark.”
“Dark?”
“Yes â€" the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”
“Well, turn on the office light then.”
“I can’t.”
“No? Why not?”
“Because there’s a power outage.”
“A power… A power outage? Ah, Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?”
“Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”
“Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”
“Really? Is it that bad?”
“Yes, I’m afraid it is.”
“Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”
“Tell them you’re too stupid to own a computer.”  8)

[T Dog]

Customer Support

Customer: I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but it just doesn't work. What am I doing wrong?
Tech support: OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive, right?
Customer: Yeah....
Tech support: And what sort of computer are you using?
Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer. It's in the CD player and all I get is weird noises. Listen.....
Tech support: Aaargggghhhh!!!
__________

Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No... Wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... Sorry.
__________

Tech support: Click on the "my computer" icon on the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
__________

Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen, pal -- don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates!
__________

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says, "Can't find printer." I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it.
__________

Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaa.........thank you!
__________

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
__________

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged in to the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK.
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes.
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work.
__________

Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
__________

Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
___________

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
___________

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
___________

Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter "a" in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
___________

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under Windows?
Customer: No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.
____________

Tech support: Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager.
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P" ... On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!  ;D

[T Dog]

As the great white shark looked on in dismay, he saw his next meal had a broken flipper.

Normally you'd think he would be excited, but everyone knows if the seal is broken you shouldn't eat it.  ;D

[T Dog]

My professor gave me an 'A' on my presentation I did today in front of the whole class. Then out of nowhere, he changes is it to a 'B'. He does this all the flowering time.

He's constantly degrading me in front of everyone.  :o